The incredibles

A while ago I posted a poll on my blog that asked you about your religious convictions. I wasn't surprised by the fact that most of the people that participated in that poll declared themselves to be atheists. I respect each and everyone's opinion, but I want to dedicate this post especially to all those atheists out there that somehow acknowledge that there actually has to be something more than just coincidence. In an earlier post I wrote about my own way to Christianity, for yes, I once was a sceptical atheist myself. And see how much I have changed :)

Since I became a christian, I've learnt to respect the world and especially the nature around me. Besides being a christian, I'm also kind of a scientist, because I'm a fervent amateur astronomer. When I'm out there at night, amazed by the wonders of the universe, I feel THAT small, you know. And when I have a look at the Astronomy Picture of the Day's website, I'm almost always completely stunned and taken aback by the miracles that are out there, billions of miles away from us. If you only think about how life is possible on this tiny planet Earth, how there are 8 other planets - yes, in my humble opinion, Pluto is a planet - in our solar system that have their own peculiarities - think about Jupiter's moons, Saturn's rings and the incredibly active volcanoes on Venus, to just name a few - how can you be so sure that it's just a matter of coincidence? I believe in the Big Bang, oh yes, but I can't see that happening without a Creator, someone who wanted it to exist and who wants to share the beauty of His creation with us, humble human beings.

Look at the real Lord of the Rings:

Or the beauty of the Horse Head Nebula:

Or, if you're still not convinced, the complexity of the Whirlpool Galaxy:

Still, we don't have to look at the edge of the universe to see the wonders of nature. What do you think about these wonders of nature?

I can go on for ages googling anything I want, be it animals or whatever can be found in nature, everything is so perfectly made, this can't be just coincidence, you have to be honest. And every aspect of an animal, a river, a volcano - you name it - has its own perfect shape and function. 

Acts 17: 24-28

²⁴ God that made the world and all things therein, seeing that he is Lord of heaven and earth, dwelleth not in temples made with hands;
²⁵ Neither is worshipped with men's hands, as though he needed any thing, seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things;
²⁶ And hath made of one blood all nations of men for to dwell on all the face of the earth, and hath determined the times before appointed, and the bounds of their habitation;
²⁷ That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us:
²⁸ For in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring.

And then the moment came that God created man:

Genesis,1:27

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them."

Personally, I believe in the theory of evolution, BUT with a small note that it was our Creator that orchestrated each and every step in the evolution of man. He created man out of our ancestors, which were primates, indeed. God made man out of a lesser race. 

Do you really believe that you, dear reader, are as intelligent and talented as you are, just by coincidence or just because you were lucky to be gifted with whatever talent it is that makes you special? Maybe you're extremely creative and you make the most beautiful paintings. Or maybe you compose the most incredible music or have a voice that literally makes the stars fall from heaven. Or maybe you're particularly good at maths or languages or... maybe you can just make people feel at ease when they are not feeling too well... Each and every one of you has his/her particular talent, I'm sure of that. And if you think "this doesn't count for me, I don't have this supposed talent you're talking about", well let me talk to you then, face to face, for a couple of hours, and allow me to get to know you, and I'll tell you that you too are special, exactly as our Creator intended. 

I have to admit that, when I was still an atheist, I thought that some people are so smart just because they are lucky and are better than the lesser human beings among us. Now, however, I see that God gave each and every one of us at least one talent. God also gave man the ability to invent things that make life easier. When you look at the world around you, you see cities, incredibly soffisticated and complex, you see technologies that go way beyond your understanding, you see technological possibilities we could only dream about a couple of years ago. But it's all in us, because our Creator wanted it to be like that.

Unfortunately, next to the talents we can use to help each other, God also gave us a free will and a brain with which we can develop harmful things instead of high-technological tours de force that can be of use for the entire human race. That's how weapons were developped. That's how diseases came into our life. Through sin, that is. It's not a curse of God, no, people, it doesn't work like that. It's not as simple as that. However, Jesus came into the world to wash away our sins. He died so that we could live. He knows what life on earth is like, or just like Mark Schultz sings in one of his songs: He has been there, he knows what it feels like to suffer, to be despised and hated. He knows what fear, sorrow and pain are all about...

Now, I didn't write this post to try to save each and every one of my readers. I wrote this post because I see God in so many aspects of life. And although I haven't been too well lately, I know He's there. He's always been and always will. And one day, each and every one of you will know. I just hope that at that point in time, it won't be too late already. I hope you'll have met Him before that moment comes. Just look around you. Do you notice that beautiful sun, shining down on you? Do you see that baby, laughing at you? Do you see that dog, paralysed but still able to walk because someone was so kind to give him a second chance?

Of course, I hear you, there is also war, there are natural disasters, there are these incurable diseases, there is poverty, injustice and inequality in this world, but please, don't blame God! He loves us, He isn't there, high above us in heaven, to do us any harm. He is not the one who judges us and who's sitting there, waving his sceptre and causing war in Afghanistan, earthquakes in Guatemala or floods in Thailand, no! He made us and He accepts us with every fault and every talent that we have, and He knows that we can't be perfect. If we were perfect, there would right now be a rough 7,000,000,000 Jesuses on earth, which is a little bit over the top, don't you think so? I think it's just not fair that people refuse to believe in God, but do say that He is probably responsible for all the disasters and hatred in the world. It doens't work like that.

If you're an atheist, I can't blame you. It's in fact easier to think that there is nothing out there but the universe with its shining stars and glowing galaxies. It's easier to sin, and to think about no one but yourself, and to think that no matter what you do, you won't be judged in the end. I'm not saying that every atheist is a sinner and an egoist, don't get me wrong! What I'm saying is that in this world, many people, including some that will tell you that they believe in God, are self-centered and rough towards others all the time, and they forget the most crucial thing in life, namely that you are loved, and that you should show some respect for the one(s) who love you. It's in fact all about love in this world. If we loved each other just that tiny little bit more, there would be less hatred, less crime, less pain and suffering. But we can't. And why's that? Because people don't believe in God anymore these days. They don't want to acknowledge that they were created with love and in order to love. 

Look, I'm not the right person to judge atheists, and if it's ok for you, I will still be your friend, even if you're a convinced atheist. I hope you're not offended by what I wrote in this post. It's just that I'd like to grant you this feeling that you are loved and that, no matter what you have done wrong, you can always be forgiven and that there will be something better than this life in the end. I think that most of the people that only think about money, power and themselves are in fact atheists. If they knew God's love, they wouldn't be so selfish. I can see that particular change in myself already. I've become a more generous person when it comes to my relationship with others. Also, the majority of the people that don't care about nature, wildlife and the environment must be atheists because if they had allowed God in their life, they would have had a lot more respect for the world that surrounds them. 

This post is dedicated to all the incredibles. They can be incredibly stubborn when it comes to religion, but they can also be incredibly kind when it comes to their relationship with other people. Now the only step they have to take, is to take the hand that God reaches out to them... Still not convinced? No problem, you're old and wise enough to make your own decisions, and I will respect your choice...

The blind spot

Sometimes, you just feel sulky and irritated, and you might have an idea what could be the reason behind those annoying feelings. Probably some trouble with friends and/or family, problems at school or at work, or else, it's possible that you don't know how to deal with yourself. In my case, it's not really me feeling sulky and irritated. It's rather a feeling which is indescribable in itself. I mean, I can find a couple of adjectives that describe quite well how I'm feeling right now, but none of these adjectives is an adequate description of this pain deep inside of me. I'm feeling depressed, empty, lonely, desperate, torn, useless, worthlesss, vulnerable... but then all at once and put in a blender that creates a smoothie of negative emotions.

See, people, the problem is that I've been feeling like this for a while. I've written about it in an earlier post. And maybe also in this one. It all started at least a month ago. I felt unhappy with my life. And I helplessly notice that it seems to get worse every day. There are enough people who want to help me and who encourage and support me, but then they ask me what kind of problems I'm experiencing right now and what they can do to make me feel better. And there it gets really annoying, for I have no idea what's happening to me. Ok, I've been here before, but somehow, it still feels different. It's kind of a blind spot, I have no idea where these negative emotions stem from. I thought I could handle my life the way it is right now. I take the meds I have to take, I try to go to the gym at least once a week, I do the best I can when it comes to eating and sleeping... So where does this emotional confusion come from?

As you probably know, I was baptised a couple of weeks ago, and that really was a unique experience. I'll never forget how good I felt after I rose up out of the water. It should be considered as a new stage in your life, as a kind of rebirth as a christian. And, honestly, it felt like that. Shortly after my baptism, however, it became all fuzzy again in my head. The result was demotivation, fatigue, depression, worthlessness. I have to admit that I got into a kind of crisis, because I just couldn't handle these deeply dark feelings. I had no idea what the cause of all this darkness could be. Again, the blind spot turns up...

I talked to my pastor about it, I asked him for prayer. We prayed together, and he explained to me that all this rubbish is in fact not that strange, if you take into account the big decisions I've made recently that all include God and His son Jesus. By getting baptised, I made it explicitly clear that I want to belong to God and His family. The devil - yes, he does exist, unfortunately - is not very happy with that of course. And with him, his accomplices, i.e., the voices Male and Moses about whom I wrote in an earlier and quite risky post, if you remember (If not, please click on the link). In fact, those two voices originate from the devil's thoughts. He wants to destroy me by using them and by providing me of images in which I see myself cutting again... after a rough 4.5 years without hurting myself. I don't hear them explicitly - not yet - but I do get these images of cutting myself. Before I dedicated my heart to God, I was an easy prey for the influences of the devil. If you consider what those voices were telling me, you'll understand. Their purpose in life seems to be to make me suffer. 

This is what I believe I'm fighting against: the devil and his occult and devastating powers. However, I'm torn between two beliefs right now. There are people in my life praying for me at this very moment, and those people are such important friends to me, I can't imagine life without them. Other people, however, those who are in charge of my psychiatric treatment, don't believe in the devil, although some of them do believe in God and now I have to choose between them, who are also very supportive and important to me, and the people from the church. If my choice goes in favour of the church and the church's approach, I'll probably loose my psychiatric nurse who really wants to help me, but who doesn't want me to think in terms of the devil, whereas, if I choose her, a good and supporting person that I've known for years, I'll probably never be able to look my pastor straight in the eye again. This is such an impossible choice for me! Why does she do this to me? I just don't understand and I can't make a choice. I think that both of them are right in their own way. I do believe in the devil and that he can make people suffer. But I also agree with my psychiatric nurse when she says that this is a manifestation of the Borderline Personality Disorder I'm suffering from. My pastor is convinced that one day, I'll be able to live without the meds I have to take. However, I can hardly believe this, because all this has been going on for nearly 12 years... but I do believe that God is present in this process of recovery. However, I'm convinced that He created people smart enough to develop specific medicine to help people who are suffering from whichever disease you can imagine, be it physical or mental. 

The only thing I can do now, is hope that a solution will come soon and that I'll get rid of this blind spot. I honestly hope I don't have to make that choice between two groups of people that are really important in my life. I hope I will sooner or later - Ok, rather sooner than later - know what the hell is wrong with me and where this depression and darkness come from. Only then will I be able to search for a solution. For now, I'll end this post with a song that is based on Psalms 121, I lift my eyes up, by the band Kutless. A friend of mine - you know who you are - made me listen to this song yesterday, and I had to blink away a tear, because it's so appropiate for my feelings of helplessness at the moment.

Psalms 121:

1	I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills,          from whence cometh my help.
2	My help cometh from the LORD,          which made heaven and earth.
3	He will not suffer thy foot to be moved:          he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
4	Behold, he that keepeth Israel          shall neither slumber nor sleep.
5	The LORD is thy keeper:          the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
6	The sun shall not smite thee by day,          nor the moon by night.
7	The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil:          he shall preserve thy soul.
8	The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in          from this time forth, and even for evermore.

De oro

Estamos en el 2012 y tengo apenas 29 años, pero hace poco tiempo, me di cuenta de que estoy contenta y feliz por vivir en la misma época que algunas personas conocidas mundialmente. Son personas para las cuales tengo una admiración fuertíssima, como por ejemplo Stephen Hawking (el astrofísico), Barack Obama (sí, el presidente estadounidense), Brian Littrell (un cantante estadounidense) y Lionel Messi (el mejor futbolista del mundo, sí señor). Al mismo tiempo, me gustaría haber vivido en la misma época que otras personas conocidas, como Salvador Allende (el presidente chileno), Albert Einstein (el físico) o Che Guevara (el revolucionario). Llama la atención que son todos hombres, no sé por qué exactamente.Tengo diferentes motivos para admirar cada una de estas personas, pero en esta entrada quería escribir sobre un hombre que realmente tiene todo mi respeto y que es, desde mi humilde punto de vista, un hombre de oro, no sólo por sus realizaciones deportivas, sino también por su manera de ser: Lionel Messi. 

Mira, como hombre, no me gusta ni siquiera tanto, no es muy guapo - aunque es más guapo que hace algunos años - pero es su manera de ser que me gusta tanto, sobre todo cuando lo comparo con otras estrellas del fútbol contemporáneo, como el muy vanidoso Cristiano Ronaldo. Sé que son rivales eternos, y aunque ambos son los jugadores estrellas de sus respectivos equipos, sólo me atrae la manera de jugar de Messi. Cuando hace un gol, siempre dirige su mirada hacia el cielo, y dedica el gol a su abuelita fallecida que era muy importante para él. Ella murió hace algunos años, pero siempre lo apoyaba, incluso cuando era aún un futbolista muy joven. Ella era la persona que lo llevó a sus partidos y a los entrenamientos cuando era aún un niño. Yo sé apreciar esta manera de celebrar un gol.

Hace un año, visité Barcelona con una compañera de casa y también fuimos al estadio Camp Nou del FC Barcelona. Antes, ya era aficionada al fútbol y particularmente al Barça - aunque no sabía muy bien por qué - pero mi visita al Camp Nou aumentó aún mi respeto para el equipo y sus jugadores, y creo que soy por el momento uno de los aficionados más grandes del Barça aquí en Holanda. Desde mi visita a Barcelona, tengo un osito dormilón vestido de los colores del Barça e incluso con el número 10 y el nombre de Messi en su espalda. Siempre mira los partidos conmigo. Sólo faltan la camiseta y la bufanda para mí misma ;) Por lo demás, trato de ver gran parte de los partidos, esto es, si los emiten en el canal Sport 1 de Holanda. Compro los partidos, de todas maneras todos los partidos de la Liga de Campeones y los Clásicos, sean partidos de la Liga o de la Copa del Rey, o incluso la Supercopa.

Foto hecha en el estadio Camp Nou en Barcelona, julio del 2012

Hoy leí en la página de Facebook del Barça que Messi es el "rey de las estadísticas". También ha ganado el balón de oro tres veces hasta ahora. Y sólo tiene 25 años, razón por la que creo que todavía va a alcanzar mucho en su vida profesional. Está a punto de romper muchos récords. Para mí, es un gran hombre. Su patria puede estar muy orgullosa de él. Espero todavía mucho de él y tengo un respeto enorme para él.

Foto hecha en el museo del FC Barcelona, julio del 2011

Pero lo que más me gusta y lo que más puedo apreciar es su manera de ser, tan humilde, tan normal. Antes del clásico Barça-Real de hace algunas semanas, el correspondente holandés que estaba comentando el partido dijo que sólo hay una cosa especial o anormal a Leo Messi, y es el hecho de que sea tan normal, sobre todo en comparación con otros futbolistas, incluso del Barça mismo. Su compartimiento difiere tanto del compartimiento de tantas otras estrellas, sean deportistas, actores o cantantes. Es increíble que sea tan humilde. No quiero realmente hablar mal de Cristiano Ronaldo, pero la diferencia entre Ronaldo y Messi es enorme.

Sigo siendo belga, y por eso escucho la radio belga por Internet, y hace un par de meses había un testimonio de alguna mujer que había tenido el privilegio de encontrarse con Leo Messi. Ella trabaja voluntariamente para una organización para niños muy enfermos en Bélgica, y uno de estos niños, también admirador de Messi, quería encontrarse con él. Sin embargo, no fue posible por una u otra razón, pero Messi tomó el tiempo para hablar con la mujer y para firmar algunas fotos para los niños enfermos en Bélgica. Fue muy emocionante para mí escuchar esta noticia. Era una confirmación de que Leo Messi es un hombre con el corazón de oro. Se merece muchos más premios que los tres balones de oro y los no-sé-cuantos otros premios que ha recibido hasta ahora. Es un hombre de carne y hueso, pero se encuentra muy alto en mi escala de respeto para celebridades. Sé que su familia es tan humilde como él, y como mi familia también es de una clase más bien baja, me siento vinculada con él. Espero que algún día pueda hacer algo tan grande como él, aunque no exactamente a esta escala. Más bien hacer algo para que mi familia pueda estar orgullosa de mí, como creo que la familia de Messi está muy orgullosa de él, por todo lo que ha logrado en la vida.  

 
Bueno Messi, hazme orgullosa otra vez, te lo ruego :) Tienes todo mi respeto, admiración y apoyo, ahora adelante, y a ganar más copas. Tal vez sea mucho pedir, pero por favor, este año quiero que ganen tanto la Liga Española como la Liga de Campeones. Se lo merecen, barceloneses! Vostè és més que un club!

Foto hecha en el estadio del Barça, julio del 2011

Collateral damage

Why is it that some people - even those who are close to me - are so prejudiced or think that they know me better than I do myself? Lately, I've experienced some difficult moments in which people treat me as the lunatic that I (maybe) once was. However, in recent years, I have changed so much, it's almost a 180 degrees turnabout. I hardly recognise myself, in the positive sense, that is. It's just that some people - some who should know me quite well as well as some that hardly know me because I've met them only recently - seem to think I'm completely nuts and/or mentally unfit. They seem to think that I'm so into my own world that I don't notice their abnormal behaviour, for that's it, it's just abnormal behaviour. And for once, it's not me who's acting strange, that I can guarantee you.

In concrete, there are people - two persons in particular - who don't even look me straight in the face when they're talking to me. They avoid my gaze, and they talk to me, but they seem to talk to nobody in particular or direct their gaze to other people present. However, as I get the topic, I can figure out that they're actually also talking to me, without looking directly at me. They seem to ignore me, at least partially. They somehow seem to be kind of friendly to me, but at the same time they make me feel like I don't belong in that conversation. Or, when I'm not alone in the conversation, they act as if they were talking to the two or three of us that are with them, but they only look the other one(s) straight in the eye. They avoid to look me in the eye, and that really annoys me quite a lot. It also affects my confidence, because I feel as if I don't belong there, for some reason. 

Those people that act so weird seem to think that I don't notice them trying to ignore me or to make me feel the outsider, but let me tell you, dear reader, I do notice it. And it doesn't exactly help that my selfesteem is already quite low. It seems that I'm very sensitive for this type of behaviour, and that it really makes me feel uncomfortable and worthless. Is it just me, or does it also bother you, dear reader, if people don't look you in the eye when they're talking to you, trying to make you feel even more useless, even more uncomfortable than you already feel? 

You know, when I was a teenager, I was bullied at high school. The bullying in itself didn't really affect me that badly, just a little bit, but then some of them found out that they could also ignore me and act as if I didn't exist. And that's something that does affect me, very much indeed. And now everything comes back, all those sad memories, and I feel so small again... However, I don't know if they realise that what they are doing affects me so much. I wish they did, and maybe they do, but then they are the weirdos, and not me. 

People seem to treat me as if I were still that nutcase and that abhorrent person I was until a few years ago. I feel sorry to say so, but I really was, emphasis on the past time though. I admit, I was a strange, crazy person, but I've learnt to behave myself. Now I know that threatening with suicide and cutting myself can be really harmful for the other people involved. Now I know that it's not very wise to jump off the stairs when you want to kill yourself while other people are watching. Now I know that it's just insane to collect glass you find on the street and cut yourself with it while other people are present. First of all, I haven't cut myself in over 4 years' time. The same counts for a real suicide attempt. I've kind of threatened with suicide, that's true, I have to be honest. But the point is that I haven't done it. Now I can cope a lot better with the borderline person inside of me.

Unfortunately, it's not just these two persons who treat me as a stupid, useless and completely insane person, there is even more. There is one person in my life that loathes me so much, and I honestly have no clue why. There is pure hatred towards me in his attitude, and he doesn't even try to hide his loathsome feelings anymore, something he did in the beginning of his change in attitude when other people were present. Once we were very close, though. We were even best friends, soulmates, at least, that's what I thought. Now I see that person as somebody that should be family, but that in my eyes has spoilt it all. There is nothing left from what once was. And, although I'm not a saint myself, I've given that specific person lots and lots of opportunities, over and over again. Now, though, I've made a decision: that person doens't deserve my good intentions anymore, and I will no longer try to be kind to him. I will treat him in the same way as he has been treating me for years now. I'll still say hi and text him for his birthday, but that's about where the good intentions cease to exist. 

Now I realise that what I'm writing here might hurt the people involved as it's possible that they read my blog and that they recognise themselves in this post. True, I could have decided not to write this post. However, I'm so fed up with these people, and I can no longer handle it alone. I felt that I had to write about them on this blog, because they cause a lot of damage, and they are probably not even aware that they do so - or maybe they do, and then they are even more evil than I initially thought. It might sound stupid, but by writing this post, I hope that, if they read my blog - which they probably don't - they will realise that they've caused some damage themselves. To me. I know that I've caused substantial damage to them years ago, and that there's no way to make up for so much craziness. But now that I'm quite stable and that I can once again enjoy life, family and friends, they should not behave as if I were still that unpredictable, completely unstable borderliner. So if they read this post and if they recognise themselves and feel unjustly treated, they have to remember this: collateral damage is unavoidable at this level.

Sola sum

Alone. That's how I feel and how I've felt lately. I know I'm not, I have friends that really mean a lot to me and who really care, but still... Something's missing in my life, I experience this whole deep inside of me, day after day. And I can't really deal with that. It's not just loneliness, it's even more. I haven't had a boyfriend in 10 years. That's right, 10 years. I admit, that tells a lot about me, and not that much about the boys in my life. I've had these boys that were quite or even really interested, but I thought it just wasn't my time yet, so I held them off. And now, I can only look back and think about what could have been.

Now I'm left all alone. Of course I have my family in Belgium, my friends here in the Netherlands, I have Chico. But I'm not happy, I feel desperately alone. Of course there is God, the sole Person that will never ever leave me alone, but somehow He feels far away at the moment. There is this emptiness deep inside of me, and I can't rejoice those beautiful moments I've had with friends, like last week's special event: my baptism. I know, it's a kind of borderline thing, that emptiness. And that makes me even more sad, because it means that I'm not yet completely free of those stupid, irrational borderline feelings.

You know, people around me already have a job, a house, one or even more kids. All of them happy families. And here I am, still studying, still struggling to be understood by my friends and family, while I'll be 30 in a few months' time. I don't have this one special person in my life, with whom I could share some beautiful moments and think about a future together. Ok, there is this one boy that I actually think I love, but there is this big problem with him or "us". In fact, more than one problem. It's as if I'm in love with him, but I don't dare to tell him. I like it when we are together, I enjoy his company and I know that he's single too. And although we've known each other for a couple of months now, it feels as if we've known each other for years. I feel at ease with him, although it's been a while since we saw each other for the last time. Second problem, he's not a christian. And that's really tough. I thought I could handle it, you know. But this one special person in my life that actually saved me ánd my pastor both told me that it's not a very wise decision were I to dedicate my life to him. You make life even more complicated if you choose to share it with an atheist. And isn't life complicated enough already? It hurts, it really does. When will God send that one special person on my path? Or will I never know true love? I think I've had true love already, though. I keep on thinking about my last boyfriend, yes, the one from 10 years ago. We'd been together for over 1.5 years when he broke up with me, and it seems that I still haven't got over him completely. I really loved him very much, and maybe I still do. But in the meantime, he has another girlfriend, and it seems that they're very happy together. And honestly, he deserves it, he's been really gentle with me, especially if you consider the disappointing and painful relationships I'd had before I met him. I think I'll always love him, even when and if I find that special man in my life.   

It's just as if I'm mourning for a lost love, although I haven't found that love yet. Life and especially love are so complicated that it's just not fair. Now I have the choice to keep on writing about the unfairness of life, but that's way too borderline. I should look for a solution, something to ease this pain deep inside of me. I should start doing things, taking action so as to change my life and to convert this emptiness into something completely different. However, I honestly don't know where to start. I could have a look at the book written by Ms. Linehan, about how to cope with borderline problems. Well, that's actually exactly what I'm going to do, right here, right now. 

So this is Marsha Linehan's famous book which contains the key to dealing with borderline stuff and it tells me that I have to cope with these emotions because I'm probably way too far in the so-called "emotional spirit". I have to get back to basics, i.e. take my meds, make sure I have a balanced diet, avoid drugs and alcohol, make sure that I sleep enough but at the same time not too much, go to the gym or go for a run on a daily basis and do something that gives me a good feeling at least once a day. Sounds easy, but I plead guilty. I do take my meds, and I do avoid alcohol or drugs, but I sleep too much during the day, I only go to the gym once a week, and I should also establish a normal eating pattern, which sounds fair to me, but I have some trouble staying away from too many delicious things like chocolate, sweets and the like. 

This book also has a list in it, called the "scheme of pleasant things for adults". It contains 176 activities from which you can (and should) choose one on a daily basis if you're struggling with your emotions. Some of these activities are quite funny though. What do you think about these: "12. thinking that I've worked hard today", "36. wearing sexy clothes" and  - the best in my humble opinion - "122. flying an aeroplane". We don't want that to happen, right ;) However, I've discovered that quite a few of these activities make my depression even worse: "6. thinking about what will happen when I've finished my studies", "73. thinking about marriage" and "137. thinking about having a family". I'm sure you can imagine why these make me even feel worse :(

So, dear reader of this blog, whether you are a loyal follower or a lonely passer-by yourself, write something that can brighten up my day, please. I beg you. I can surely use it...

A whole new bond

Dear reader of this blog, let me proudly inform you that today, Debz has become a whole new person. 

Today was a very special day for me, the day of my baptism, my own and firm choice to follow Jesus as one of his many disciples and to accept God in my life. I already made that choice roughly four years ago, but today I can no longer deny it, and I want the whole world to know that Christ has changed so many things in my relatively short life as a christian. Today is a unique chance to say YES to the Lord: Yes, Lord, I want to follow you, all the days of my life!

I know that I have quite a few somewhat sceptical, non-christian readers, but I hope that including these people will keep on reading this post and that they won't see it as another one of those zillions of posts that want to convince you to accept Christ in your life. (It would be nice - and I wouldn't mind - if you did so, but I will still accept you as my friend if you don't. Promised.)

It's now almost 12 years ago that I was admitted to a psychiatric ward for the first time in my life and almost 5 years ago that I got admitted to another, slightly more humane, psychiatric hospital here in the Netherlands. As you might have read in earlier posts about borderline - the diagnosis I've had for years now - it was all quite heavy, not only 12 years ago, when I was just discovering that the psychiatric world is in fact quite close to hell, but also 5 years ago, when I arrived in a somewhat nicer environment that still made me feel quite uncomfortable at the beginning. It turned out that I would be admitted there for over a year, and if I had known beforehand, I'd probably have given up hope altogether. However, it turns out that God's ways are unfathomable.  I truly believe that He put me there in that clinic for a reason. In fact, I'm utterly convinced that He created the wish to study something that can't be studied at any Belgian university in my heart, much earlier in life, so that I would and could come to the Netherlands, where I could be saved. As I wrote in the little testimony that I gave today during the service in which I was baptised and in an earlier post,I was born and raised a catholic, but officially I wasn't, because we went to church only in very special occasions. My education wasn't that bad, but I didn't receive any support that could have encouraged me to actively seek for God. That's probably the reason why I became a convinced atheist. 

But then that moment came that a psychiatric nurse from the hospital began talking to me about God. Religion, and especially Jesus, became a much-discussed topic, and I kind of felt a little bit irritated initially. After all, why bother about a God that doesn't really exist? Why reading stories about a somewhat strange man called Jesus in a book that has existed for over 2000 years and is therefore old-fashioned and so not up-to-date? So one day I asked that nurse if she could ask her God to give me a sign. I was convinced that I would exactly know what to see, feel or hear if it really was a real sign from God to me. And if that happened, then I would accept God in my life, fair enough. However, I was so sure that no sign would be given to me, because "there simply was no such thing as God". When she came back after the week-end, I asked that nurse if she'd asked "her" God to give me a sign. She said she indeed had, but I hadn't noticed or perceived anything weird or special, and when I told her this, she told me to be patient. We kept on talking about the topic, and one day, when I was feeling really bad, I went to her and she saw how I was feeling: horribly bad and terribly sad and alone. So then she said: "Debz, maybe you should look to the other side." But I didn't understand, so I asked, which other side? Her answer was short but left me startled: GOD. I took a sprint to my room, I had to, because deep inside me, I felt something so very special that up until now no words have been invented to describe that feeling. It was a very excited, joyful and exhuberant feeling, that's the closest I can get to a description of that feeling. And then I knew: this WAS the sign I'd been asking for. And the strangest thing of all is that I'd already received it before I'd asked for it. How could I've been so blind? How could I've been so stubborn? The one that had been telling me all that time about Jesus, she WAS the sign! I'm so happy that she came. It hurt me quite a lot when I heard that my parents refused to come to my baptism. But she was there, the person that has saved me. Without her, today wouldn't have been possible at all! She's been - and still is - a really important treasure to me!

Now, I've written a lot about the past, let me turn back to the present. Today was a very special day. I admit, I was extremely nervous, especially because we had to give a short testimony to explain why we wanted to be baptised. After the immersion, I felt so joyful and warm inside, it felt so good... I think I had this very big smile on my face :D And then there was a superb party, with very nice food indeed, presents, flowers, congratulations from people I'd never seen before, and especially the presence of my housemate and that important woman that changed my life completely...

Right now, I'm still reliving the moment in the water, but it went so fast. However, it felt so good that, if I could, I'd do it a second time :) This is a whole new bond, or should I say a renewed bond, with God. And I'm so happy!

Before I got a ducking...

... and after I'd become a whole new person :)

To finish - it's getting late, I shouldn't be such a blogaholic :) - I want to testify what God has accomplished in my life. I had/have a severe psychiatric illness, called borderline personality disorder, and unfortunately I know lots and lots of people who have the same or similar problems. I can assure you that my life was extremely difficult until about 4 years ago. Since then, the real extremes seem to have disappeared or are at least less pronounced in my life. I'm a lot more moderate now and not so extreme and radical as I used to be. The hardest part was the coping with the extreme, intense emotions. I could be hyperactive and euforic at one moment, while 4 hours later, I could be experiencing an extreme depression. It came and went, and was as good as unpredictable. I used to cut or burn myself on purpose on a regular basis. I threatened that I would kill myself. I didn't take my meds like they were prescribed by my psychiatrist. I yelled at people, and felt rejected and left alone by the entire world. Right now, I can proudly say that I haven't hurt myself in the past four and a half years. I have had these suicidal feelings a few months ago, but instead of keeping this all to myself, I have shared it with my psychiatrist and psychiatric nurses. (Read more about them in an earlier post.) I take my meds exactly like they're prescribed. And there is no other explanation for all this than to dedicate it all to God. I was a horrible, stubborn, claiming and radical borderliner. Now, I still have to take my meds, and I have these appointments with several people, but all in all, I've found life back. I can study, I can enjoy life... That's a big difference if you compare it with the life without God. God has saved me!

Now, I can hear you say that my illness wasn't maybe that severe as I initially thought, or that I was just lucky enough to be one of the very few that seem to be able to get a grip on their life, even as a borderliner. However, many of my friends that have several similar problems seem to have got stuck. Their situation doesn't improve. Sometimes they feel well, but it can so easily change into another crisis. I'm doing quite well, as a matter of fact, on the point of crises, and I can only think of one thing: God has cured me to such a degree that from now on I don't have to depend so much on people from the health care institution. My life is far from perfect, and there are some persistent problems, but hey, I'd better not tell God that I have a big problem, but should rather tell my problem that I have a big God :D