The blind spot

Sometimes, you just feel sulky and irritated, and you might have an idea what could be the reason behind those annoying feelings. Probably some trouble with friends and/or family, problems at school or at work, or else, it's possible that you don't know how to deal with yourself. In my case, it's not really me feeling sulky and irritated. It's rather a feeling which is indescribable in itself. I mean, I can find a couple of adjectives that describe quite well how I'm feeling right now, but none of these adjectives is an adequate description of this pain deep inside of me. I'm feeling depressed, empty, lonely, desperate, torn, useless, worthlesss, vulnerable... but then all at once and put in a blender that creates a smoothie of negative emotions.

See, people, the problem is that I've been feeling like this for a while. I've written about it in an earlier post. And maybe also in this one. It all started at least a month ago. I felt unhappy with my life. And I helplessly notice that it seems to get worse every day. There are enough people who want to help me and who encourage and support me, but then they ask me what kind of problems I'm experiencing right now and what they can do to make me feel better. And there it gets really annoying, for I have no idea what's happening to me. Ok, I've been here before, but somehow, it still feels different. It's kind of a blind spot, I have no idea where these negative emotions stem from. I thought I could handle my life the way it is right now. I take the meds I have to take, I try to go to the gym at least once a week, I do the best I can when it comes to eating and sleeping... So where does this emotional confusion come from?

As you probably know, I was baptised a couple of weeks ago, and that really was a unique experience. I'll never forget how good I felt after I rose up out of the water. It should be considered as a new stage in your life, as a kind of rebirth as a christian. And, honestly, it felt like that. Shortly after my baptism, however, it became all fuzzy again in my head. The result was demotivation, fatigue, depression, worthlessness. I have to admit that I got into a kind of crisis, because I just couldn't handle these deeply dark feelings. I had no idea what the cause of all this darkness could be. Again, the blind spot turns up...

I talked to my pastor about it, I asked him for prayer. We prayed together, and he explained to me that all this rubbish is in fact not that strange, if you take into account the big decisions I've made recently that all include God and His son Jesus. By getting baptised, I made it explicitly clear that I want to belong to God and His family. The devil - yes, he does exist, unfortunately - is not very happy with that of course. And with him, his accomplices, i.e., the voices Male and Moses about whom I wrote in an earlier and quite risky post, if you remember (If not, please click on the link). In fact, those two voices originate from the devil's thoughts. He wants to destroy me by using them and by providing me of images in which I see myself cutting again... after a rough 4.5 years without hurting myself. I don't hear them explicitly - not yet - but I do get these images of cutting myself. Before I dedicated my heart to God, I was an easy prey for the influences of the devil. If you consider what those voices were telling me, you'll understand. Their purpose in life seems to be to make me suffer. 

This is what I believe I'm fighting against: the devil and his occult and devastating powers. However, I'm torn between two beliefs right now. There are people in my life praying for me at this very moment, and those people are such important friends to me, I can't imagine life without them. Other people, however, those who are in charge of my psychiatric treatment, don't believe in the devil, although some of them do believe in God and now I have to choose between them, who are also very supportive and important to me, and the people from the church. If my choice goes in favour of the church and the church's approach, I'll probably loose my psychiatric nurse who really wants to help me, but who doesn't want me to think in terms of the devil, whereas, if I choose her, a good and supporting person that I've known for years, I'll probably never be able to look my pastor straight in the eye again. This is such an impossible choice for me! Why does she do this to me? I just don't understand and I can't make a choice. I think that both of them are right in their own way. I do believe in the devil and that he can make people suffer. But I also agree with my psychiatric nurse when she says that this is a manifestation of the Borderline Personality Disorder I'm suffering from. My pastor is convinced that one day, I'll be able to live without the meds I have to take. However, I can hardly believe this, because all this has been going on for nearly 12 years... but I do believe that God is present in this process of recovery. However, I'm convinced that He created people smart enough to develop specific medicine to help people who are suffering from whichever disease you can imagine, be it physical or mental. 

The only thing I can do now, is hope that a solution will come soon and that I'll get rid of this blind spot. I honestly hope I don't have to make that choice between two groups of people that are really important in my life. I hope I will sooner or later - Ok, rather sooner than later - know what the hell is wrong with me and where this depression and darkness come from. Only then will I be able to search for a solution. For now, I'll end this post with a song that is based on Psalms 121, I lift my eyes up, by the band Kutless. A friend of mine - you know who you are - made me listen to this song yesterday, and I had to blink away a tear, because it's so appropiate for my feelings of helplessness at the moment.

Psalms 121:

1	I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills,          from whence cometh my help.
2	My help cometh from the LORD,          which made heaven and earth.
3	He will not suffer thy foot to be moved:          he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
4	Behold, he that keepeth Israel          shall neither slumber nor sleep.
5	The LORD is thy keeper:          the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
6	The sun shall not smite thee by day,          nor the moon by night.
7	The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil:          he shall preserve thy soul.
8	The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in          from this time forth, and even for evermore.