The Impossible Love Syndrome

It's a fact that I'm forever suffering from the Impossible Love Syndrome, and I'm sure as hell I'm not the only one, for you, dear reader, may be in the same situation. 

In an earlier post I wrote about the loneliness and emptiness I've been experiencing for months now, and about the sole person my heart goes out to these days. But he is one more example of an impossible love, because he's an atheist, and I won't go against God's will. He's almost everything I would desire in a man. He's quite handsome, he's dedicated to his studies/job/career, he's a nice person to be with and I can talk about serious topics as well as about funny topics with him. I've known him for a year (more or less) now, and although I don't see him that often, my thoughts go out to him every single day. But I know it's not meant to be. What's more, I suspect he's not even the tiniest bit in love with me. I think he sees me as a friend, nothing more or less. I do think he enjoys the moments we spend together and my company, but as I don't dare to talk about my true feelings for him, he doesn't know and will never know if I go on like this. Still, I think it's better to be secretly in love without him knowing it then to confront him with the truth and maybe even lose his friendship. I appreciate the relationship we have a lot, and I wouldn't want to lose him as a friend. He's a kind person, and I value his camaraderie. I'd rather have him as a friend than have to live without him, and the latter situation could become reality once he knows that I have romantic feelings for him.

What's more, it seems that our love is not meant to be. He's almost everything I'd appreciate in a man. ALMOST everything, that's right, because, let's not deny it, he's an atheist and although God doesn't forbid a relationship between a christian and an atheist, He recommends us to share our lives with other christians. I do understand why: life is a lot more difficult when you have religious issues and a lot easier if you don't. Firstly, I'd like to marry in church. No way that an atheist will say yes to me in front of the altar. Secondly, if I want children - because I'm still not sure if I'll eventually be able to have children and educate them decently, for let's face it, borderline IS hereditary and I don't want my children to go through the same madnesses I've had to go through - I'd want to raise them in church too. I'd want to teach them about God and Jesus, and I'd like to read them religious bedtime stories. I'm not sure if my supposedly atheist husband would like to go there too. He'd surely not join me in church on Sundays, and the Bible will presumably be a source of irritation and maybe even exasperation. 

Anyway, this is not my first and only impossible love, many times in my life I've been irrevocably in love with the wrong kind of people. And no, I don't mean that there's something wrong with my loved ones, but it were just indications of me having to cope with this Impossible Love Syndrome later on in life: our so-called love was just one big illusion. 

Let me clarify the aforementioned statement with a few examples. WARNING: a few of these examples will probably make you laugh or even give you a low opinion of me. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing is up to you ;) 

First of all, I've had a soft spot for more than one male teacher. It already started when I was a mere 11 years old. We had such a nice, funny and dedicated teacher that I kind of fell in love with him. Not real love of course - I didn't have a clue what real love between a woman and a man was at that moment - but I wished that he was a friend of mine or even my father instead of a teacher. Later on in life, there were various other teachers I was very fond of, and it still happens, you know, even at university. At secondary school I somehow managed to actually fall head over heels in love with a teacher, but luckily I wasn't the only one. However, I regretted that it was so obvious (the entire class knew this, maybe because each and every one of them shared my feelings for him). Now, at university, I can estimate my chances a lot better, so I know that the love I feel for my teachers is just an example of impossible love, and that's why I keep it at a certain level of fondness. I mean, fondness is perfectly allowed, isn't it? I can also somehow regulate my feelings when I learn that they are married or have a girlfriend. Then the feelings of love are converted in true and sincere fondness, and I know that something such as love is not possible, but I also realise that their presence in my life is even more important to me, so I try to keep in touch. Sometimes this works out very well, but regrettably it's not always possible.

Now, about a truly impossible love. When I was about 14, there was this boyband, the Backstreet Boys. I was quite a big fan, sang along with their songs with a surreal passion I can now only dream of and had my room stuffed with their posters and other must-haves as a huge fan. And yes, there was this one boy - who is now a happily married man with a ridiculously handsome 6-year-old son- I couldn't get my eyes off: Brian Littrell. Not only did he have the most wonderful voice, but I also sank away into his deep blue eyes... I guess I was enchanted. It took me quite a while to figure out that my deceptive dreams would never become reality. Unfortunately, also this love was impossible, and I still haven't gotten over it. I can still stare at his picture with that dreamy look in my eyes and that tiny little smile that covers my lips...

Let's get to the more serious stuff now. As you might remember from an earlier post I've been in love with women, and as a christian I know that this kind of love is not exactly tolerated, because it's just not meant to be. It's not what God wants and what He has in store for us (with all due respect for homosexuals, but I know that I don't want to marry a woman, let alone start a family with a woman). The first time I fell in love with a woman was when I was only 16 years old. Actually, she fell in love with me, and then I was so thouroughly confused and therefore I thought that I also was in love with her, which could have been the case though. Until now, I haven't been able to exclude that possibility. I still think about her with a wounded heart, because it could have been beautiful. Still, it's not what I'm aiming for. I want to start a family with a man and share many beautiful - and without doubt also some less beautiful - moments with him.

Also, there have been other cases of impossible love, truly impossible love in the sense that my love could never ever be answered. I'm just not able to figure out if a guy is gay or not, and I strongly suspect that that's the reason why I've sometimes fallen in love with a homosexual man, only to find out later that he was gay. That's a pity, because somehow, some gay men are really very attractive, probably because to them, their looks are mostly quite important. Especially some gay latinos are so cute, frankly! 

I've had these more innocent cases of impossible love, for Brian Littrell was not the only famous man I've fallen in love with, but I won't go into more detail here. Instead, let me go back in time and have a look at the boyfriends I've actually had. Only the last one - I dare not mention his name because there is a slight possibility that he or some common friends read this blog - was my only true love. He's also the reason why I've been single for the past ten years. That's right, 10 years, I can't possibly believe it. Strange thing is that I'd always thought that he was an impossible love for me. He was just too handsome, too kind, too seductive. It was too perfect to be true. Anyhow, we had a relationship for over 1.5 years. But now I see that I've been right from the beginning: he WAS an impossible love, because it was just an illusion that we could be together and share our lives together. A pity, isn't it? I miss him a lot, he was my only true love until now, and maybe for ever... However, I have to be patient and wait, because God has something in store for me, at least, that's what I hope. And if my destiny is to stay single - because let's be honest, I've had these bad and painful experiences with men - then single it will be! Right?