The unloved

Am I one of the unloved? Sometimes, that's what I think and feel, while on the other hand I also know that there really are quite a lot of people who do love me, or at least, truly like me and are true friends. But when you realise that members of your family that should be close to you make you feel part of the unloved, then that hurts. 

It's almost Christmas, and I will spend the holidays in Belgium, with my family. I know that I am one of the lucky ones, because I realise that not everybody has the opportunity - and the luck! - to spend the holidays amongst their loved ones. Not everybody will be able to have a seat at a festively decorated table, to unpack a beautifully wrapped present or to give your loved ones a big hug when the clock strikes 12 on New Year's Eve. I'm not only talking about the homeless or about people who are ill and have to spend Christmas alone in a hospital or other institution, but I'm also and specifically referring to people very close to me (you know who you are).    

I acknowledge that you cannot choose your own family, but somehow I can't believe that God puts you purposefully in a family that doesn't love you. Frankly, I know that my mom and dad truly love me and that their love is unconditional. Although they can't express themselves by telling me literally that they love me and that they're proud of me - words I'd happily hear coming out of their mouths one day - they provide me with all the help and care that I need, even though I live far away from home and I'm actually at an age at which I should be able to deal with my own problems properly. I know they'd go to great heights to help me if they could, but some problems can't be solved by other people than by me, myself and I.

My mom and dad, I'm truly thankful for them!

However, it's not all roses there when I think about the upcoming holidays. It's just that I don't feel loved by all of my family members - nor is it my aim to be loved by each and every one of them, don't get me wrong - but I feel pretty much unloved by more than one person, and it's tough to admit that especially one of the family members I care a lot about actually destroys the holiday mood I'm in, because her behaviour has changed so much in such a short period of time. Whereas we were never as close as I'd have loved to when I was younger, she was one of the few people that seemed to care about me when I got admitted to the psychiatric clinic, 12 years ago. She came to visit me regularly, while she had a job and her own problems to deal with. Although her behaviour changed a little when I was coming and going from one psychiatric hospital to the other, I saw her as an ally, as someone I could trust on. And when I moved to the Netherlands, I noticed that our bond grew even stronger, and I was happy and thankful for that. Also, some changes in her life strengthened our ever-improving relationship. But then the probably inevitable happened: because of some other person that we both know, her attitude towards me changed dramatically, not even that long ago. I wrote about her behaviour in an earlier post. She probably had to choose between that person and me, I honestly think that that person forced her to choose, although you might think this idea is more or less ridiculous. It IS ridiculous, of course, but I'm afraid it is happening right here, right now: manipulation and forced choice.

I know that it's impossible to be loved by the entire world, but imagine how nice and awesome that would be! Now, though, I feel quite the opposite. I belong to the category of the unloved. I don't have a husband, I don't have children... I do have friends, but, as always, I'm so afraid to lose them. You see, the thing with borderline is that friendschips are quite complex things to deal with, just because it's extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship. And I know that my friends love me, but still it's as if I belong to the group of people that is part of the unloved. I haven't got anything special to offer, no special talents, nothing really... I feel rejected by society because I'm a psychiatric patient, because I can't function normally and will maybe never function in a normal way. Still, not only society rejects psychiatric patients. I've lost quite a lof of friends because of my illness, and within my family I'm not particularly the most popular person, precisely because of my mental health problems.

I realise that, after having read this post, some people, friends and/or family, will tell me that they do love me, and will maybe feel slightly offended because I claim to be one of the unloved. However, whatever they say, I'll still feel as being part of the unloved. It's the same with the feeling of being alone: it's always there, lurking in the shadows, and it frightens you, because you know it's in fact part of the work of the devil. He wants you to feel worthless, lonely and unloved, whereas God wants us to know that we are loved, not only by Him, but also by our christian brothers and sisters. 

As you may have read in an earlier post, I have never been very popular at school either. I've always been bullied because I got high grades. So here counts the same: rejected by all those fellow students and unloved, so unloved. Instead of being loved, I was laughed at, ridiculed, bullied. In fact, it's not that strange that I've developed this feeling of being unloved...

 The strange thing is that being unloved doesn't make it more difficult to love somebody else, at least, that counts for me. However, it's annoying to feel unloved by everybody, especiall by the one person I wrote about in this post, for she is/was very special to me, but all my efforts to strenghten our bond right now haven't had any effect. It goes even that far that I'm almost giving up. Why would I invest time or effort in her if she criticises my every single movement, if she hardly directs her words and gaze at me, if she blackmails me behind my back? Is that worth it? 

Lord, please give me the strength to deal with this situation. Amen.