The first year of the rest of my life

2013... Who doesn't like the sound of that? Well actually, I do. I'm quite into numbers, if you remember well, although I shouldn't be (I know). Anyway, there is no escaping anymore. 2013 has come in all its glory: abundant food, even more booze - for some people at least, not for me, thank you - and of course, fireworks, even in the small city of Waregem, where I'm residing at this very moment.

In my last post of 2012, I returned to some resolutions I'd made in August and it became clear that I hadn't accomplished much, if anything. That's why, in fact, it can only get better from now on. I should definitely change some things, but as long as I'm in Belgium at my parents' place, I won't be able to do a lot. There's too much distraction, I can't focus on my thesis, so I blog, I visit family members to wish them a happy new year and I eventually study some Portuguese. But I know that I should actually be writing that bloody third chapter, in order to finish the theoretical framework of my thesis. Help, people, I've got thesis issues!

Somehow, I was afraid that 2013 would only bring bad news and bad luck. Now, however, although some things have happened - and are still happening - in my family, I can't decide whether these are good or bad things in the end. Because of one "rotten apple" in the whole family, my grandparents are living under the constant threat of fear and intimidation, but the situation has also created a renewed bond between my mother and her brother and sister. After a rough 10 years in which they were hardly looking at each other, let alone talking to each other, it seems that this situation has brought a cure for their hostilities. Now they've agreed on a few points, and thank God, they're talking again. Of course, you never know how long it's going to last, but let's hope that that one "rotten apple" will keep on playing her dirty game, so that the rest of them, that is, my mother, her brother and two sisters, will also have one very good reason to keep on fighting together: my grandparents.

Still, I have to admit that this whole situation is getting me down. I see ghosts, and luckily I still know that it's just a figment of my imagination, but I have to take care. Right here in Belgium, none of my therapists is available right away. I'll be back in the Netherlands within a week, but until then I'll have to stick to myself, which means that I'll have to do everything I can to keep a clear mind and to stay in charge. I can't get stuck in my own worrying thoughts, I'll have to learn to cope with this part of my brain that evokes fear and unrealistic thoughts. I can't help it, but I see this uncle and aunt of mine do terrible things to my grandparents and my parents. It could be a good script for CSI or NCIS or something like that, but let's not go into detail here. That would only make things worse, I'm afraid. 

Instead, let's get back to 2013. In fact, let me make this statement: 2013 is the first year of the rest of my life. From now on, things will have to change. I want to finish my MA in Latin American Linguistics and finally graduate. Then the biggest challenge of my life will await me: finding a job, or else, do another master of one year, in order to get qualified to teach Spanish at secondary schools. However, I'd prefer to find a job this year, because I'll be 30 in a few months' time, and although I perfectly know and realise that it wasn't a deliberate choice to study until I turned 30, it feels bad to know that my age mates have been working for years now, and I still haven't finished my studies. This year, however, I want to make it happen. The only possible problem that can turn against me and my graduation is my mental health. As I'm experiencing a lot of side effects - too many, to be honest - I want to give the reduction of my meds another try. I know, it's probably not a good idea, but what other choice do I have? I can't get up before 10 in the morning, I feel tired all the time, I lack energy... I have to do something.

Still, I want to change some other things in 2013, because now is the time to do so. And then I'm not only talking about my New Year's resolutions, but especially about other things like enjoying my time here on Earth. It's been proven so many times that our time here is short, way too short in some cases. Every day could be the last day of your life, or mine. I also realise I'll probably outlive my parents and grandparents, and that's enough reason to enjoy their company when that is still possible. I care a lot about my family, and they are the only reason I'm still in doubt between staying in the Netherlands or returning to Belgium. However, I also care a lot about the true friends I have in Holland, especially the new friends I got to know in 2012. I know they care a lot. You know who you are!

It's high time I did something about my health too. I've gained way too much weight since the summer holidays, and I know that's because I haven't been exercising much. Overweight is something that is obviously present in our family, so I have to take care. People die because of overweight, and as for now, I don't want to die (yet). I should go to the gym more often and even try to enjoy my time there, for I'm doing something to improve my health, mental health as well as physical health. It's just that I'm not feeling ok and I hate my body because of all this overweight. 

If I take it for granted that this year is the first year of the rest of my life, no matter how long or how short it's going to be, I should undertake some action. I want to graduate, maybe find a job, work out in order to feel more healthy mentally as well as physically... If this is the first year of my life, I don't want to have feelings of hatred against anyone. I don't want to have conflicts with other people, especially not the people I really care about. I want to live in peace, and I want to be able to forget about the bad things that happened in the past, especially the horrible things that happened in psychiatric hospitals here in Belgium and some situations I had with family members. I also want to set things straight with a few teachers I had here in Belgium, teachers from my secondary school. I want to contact them and tell them about what really happened, because I'm under the impression that they don't know the entire story, and that they still see me as the lunatic I once was, and that is really unfortunate! If this is the first year of the rest of my life, it's high time that I put myself on the map, in order to try to make people see who Debz really is.