So here I am, sitting in a corner, sulking about my 30th birthday, looking back at the year when I turned 18, the year where everything went wrong. You see, when I turned 18, I was admitted to a youth psychiatric clinic, while in my mother country - Belgium - you're supposed to be the star of the day when you turn 18. You could compare it with the sweet 16 parties in the US. I remember very well that, when my sister turned 18, there was a huge party with friends, family and schoolmates. I was 12 and was enjoying it as thoroughly as my sister did, for I was the younger sister of the birthday girl, and I received quite a lot of attention actually. I even declared my love to an 18-year-old who didn't know what to do to hide his blush and embarrassment. However, when I turned 18, the light went out at 10PM, I was alone in my room with bars before the windows and I had received exactly one birthday card, a card made by the crew of nurses and therapists of the clinic. I still have that card, for that matter. I can't remember whether I cried that day, but I do know that I was trying to do my best to behave in order to stay out of the isolation cell, which was quite a challenge, because - as you can probably imagine - I wasn't feeling quite happy that day. In fact, it came to a confrontation with one specific nurse, and he threatened to drag me to the isolation cell, even though it was my birhtday. He said he couldn't care less. I was kind of lucky he didn't carry out his threat, because I remember coming quite close at pissing him off completely because of my unacceptable behaviour at that time. All that fuss just because I was kicking a stake...
Since then, every birthday reminds me of that day at the youth clinic. What's more, it wasn't the last birthday I would spend in a psychiatric clinic, no. 5 years ago, 1 year ago... same story, other location though, and a much more humane treatment. But isn't it time to come out of that corner, in which I push myself every year, sulking about the past, about all the unreasonable and unfair treatment I have received? Isn't it time I started enjoying my birhtdays from now on? I mean, 30 could be a turning point, right? Last year, although I was admitted to the clinic, I could freely leave and a friend of mine took me in her car to the seaside. I've always adored the sea, especially in spring, when there are just a handful of people at the beach, playing with their dogs or trying to lose a few pounds while running a mile along the beach. It's a lovely sight, and I can appreciate the atmosphere.
Maybe this year will even be better. At least, I could give it a try and see what happens if I come out of my much-hated sulking corner and discover the world around me. The 23th of March is supposed to be a beautiful day of spring, with just enough sunlight and warmth to leave your scarf and cap at home, while taking a stroll in the park where the daffodils and crocusses truly announce spring. Well, that's how it's supposed to be, for this year, another amount of snow has been announced. Well, we'll deal with it, I did see some crocusses in the park already, and it would make a beautiful picture, a lovely yellow, white or purple crocus in the snow, wouldn't it?
I'm actually receiving guests from Belgium, two cousins of mine who really seem to care about me. It surprises me time and time again that there are people willing to make the best of a situation that seems at first sight hopelessly wrong and difficult. However, let's assume that 30 indeed IS the turning point. Well, what about it, Debz? Maybe you could finally use the gained wisdom - as that comes with age, I've noticed - to do something with your life. Finish that bloody thesis, write motivation letters and send your CV to some interesting language teaching institutes, or become that hands-on expert you want to become so badly. Sounds quite good, actually - and then there came a smile upon my not so cheerful face...
Let's make today a better day. Let's start by letting loose all these memories from the past. The past is the past, and there is nothing you or I can change about it. As it is written in the Bible (Luke, 9: 62):
62 And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.
See, I can't escape from the monster called Time. We all age, every day brings us a day closer to our death. So the coming of this number 3 behind my name is unavoidable. There's no escaping, whoever you are, no matter how rich you are, no matter your own wishes. When it's your time, when God calls you, there's no escaping. You can't buy yourself some extra time on Earth, or in my case, some extra time to stay in my twenties. And even if it were possible, I could spend my money on other, more useful things.
You know what, I'll spoil myself a little bit today. Just a little bit. I don't drink alchol, but I could have an ice-cream. Or a milkshake. Or even some French fries with a delicious-smelling steak... And maybe I'll alow myself to be a bol.com-aholic for one day, just one day. Although I like Amazon better, and with this credit card I got not so long ago, spending money becomes as easy a habit as eating or drinking. I could do it more than once on a daily basis, only to look at the end-of-the-month bill with wide and noncomprehensive eyes. Did I really do that? How come? This can't be true. Unfortunately, these people don't make mistakes. No one makes mistakes when it comes to receiving money.
The day has just begun. Another 23 hours lie in front of me. I have to remind myself of this: it won't be possible to make the self-fulfilling prophecy come true. See, for years I had the idea that I would die before I turned 30. Even this week, I was thinking about killing myself, because I just couldn't bear it. Not another crappy year added to this already putrified life, especially not with the change from twenties into thirties! But I guess I have no choice and I'll just have to endure it... for a change. Despite all that I've been through and all that has happened, I've survived so far. What do you think about that?
Have a happy day, people. I'll keep you posted. But I do want some chocolate cake. Or a chocolate muffin, or a brownie. As long as it contains chocolate ;)
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