What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

There were times in which I lived in constant fear, times in which I lived under various threats. I was afraid, not in the least of myself: who I was and what I could do - in a negative sense, that is. I'm talking about those times in which I used to hurt myself on a regular basis, those times in which I lived with paranoia, those times in which those two voices in my head dictated what I should and what I shouldn't do. Life was truely horrific back then...

Still, it is widely known that most disadvantages also bring some advantages along with them. And now I can look back at those times and tell you, dear reader, that even though I'm diminishing the amount of antipsychotic meds, I'm quite okay now and that that hopeless situation has more or less stabilised. That is when you know that negative things, negative situations and people who have a negative influence in your life can actually make you stronger. That is, when they don't kill you first. 

 
I've been through a lot, and still there is a lot of sh*t in my life, primarily caused by specific persons, but I don't give up. I keep my head up and I work towards a better future. However, it's not always easy, as some people can really get under my skin. Even in those extreme situations though, I have to keep calm and reconsider their value in my life: Are they really that important? Or do I just give them too much importance in my life? The latter seems to be true most of the time. I'd better value those persons who really care about me. As everyone acknowledges, you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. And it's not as if all my family members have this bad influence in my life, no, not at all! There are many who truly love me and care about me, even when I'm in a complicated situation - you know who you are. However, some carry more weight in one's life, and it just happens that one person who carries a lot of weight hurts me a lot every now and then by, for example, begrudging my luck. Is it jealousy? Is it just bitterness? Frustration because things don't go like they want? Actually it doesn't matter, but it's not fair, that's the least I can say. But hey, even though it affects me, it doesn't kill me, quite the contrary in fact, it makes me stronger!

It's been 13 years now that my life was turned upside down by a depression that slowly but gradually took over, disguised as a Personality Disorder. As you may have read in earlier posts, I suffered from severe depression, selfharm, psychotic episodes, a growing feeling of uneasiness, unhappiness and bitterness towards myself, to name just a few. For those who have known me for more than 10 years, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The others may consider themselves blessed ;) No, honestly, I was a completely different person. And sometimes, that person tries to take over, even in the present, but I'm stronger than I've ever been and I know how to handle these situations. Now, I can reflect better and I know how to recognise and take care of my weakest points. And I have to admit that these weaker points are those that have made me who I am right now. 

This week, for example, I talked about the voices in my head with one of my best friends. He was quite interested, and also asked me if I was okay with it, because I showed him some of the drawings I made about my deepest feelings and about the things that torture(d) me in my life. I consider myself lucky to have a friend like him, and although it was at first somehow weird to talk about it - it's not as if I do this every day - it was also good to talk about the voices, just to check how strong I am when it comes to this. He recommended me to watch a very encouraging video. I'd like to ask you to take your time to watch this video. What this woman, Eleonor Longden, says... oh man, I recognise this almost entirely, with the only difference that I'm not yet as far as she is when it comes to coping with the voices an sich. Just watch this video... One day, I want to be able to do what she does: give a testimony like hers, and be a true inspiration for others.

The upcoming week is quite an important one. It will be a week of negotiations and big decisions, that much is certain. It could mean an enormous change in my life. However, much is at stake now. Now I have to get to know myself and recognise my weakest points. Now I'll have to get over all those persons that make me feel worthless and unloved, even in the present. I have to grow bigger than my problems. I've already survived a lot, thanks to all the sh*t I've encountered in my life. I can honestly say that it has made me stronger, much stronger. It still affects me, I'm still quite a vulnerable person, but I can somehow build walls around certain parts in my life that are still weak and easily hurt. I don't always succeed unfortunately, but hey, that's life, probably. 

I'm blessed because of the fact that I don't have to hurt myself anymore. It's been five and a half years that I did this for the last time. I feel so proud that I've been thorough in my fight against selfharm. I've eradicated the thoughts and the urge to cut myself. Now it's time to take the following step: helping others to gain control of their urge to cut themselves or to hurt themselves in any other way. And this wish could well become reality soon, who knows. I'll keep you guys posted! For now... keep your fingers crossed for me, please. Next week could turn my life upside down once again, but then in the positive sense this time :)