While reading the book, I was wondering what my fear landscape would look like. What are my biggest fears? So I thought I could write a blog post about it, just to have a view.
First of all, my biggest fear is that all the people I love, and my parents in particular, will die. Of course they will die, but I mean soon, within a couple of years or even months. What's more, my biggest fear is that they will die in a car accident when they come visit me in Leiden, or from a scary disease such as cancer. My dad smokes a lot, and I'm afraid he will die of lung cancer. I'm afraid that people in particular will die, but most of all my parents. You could say I'm afraid of the deaths of all the people around me. I'm afraid that everyone around me will die and there will be no one left so that I'll be all alone.
A second fear is that I won't be able to make it on my own and that I'll have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital once again, soon that is. It's just that I'm feeling so unstable and unsure about my mental health that I can't guarantee that it won't happen again. You see, the problem is that I feel that I'm losing the fight against my personal demons. I'm still fighting, still struggling, because I never ever give up. However, the fear to be admitted once again is real. And the fear to be put into an isolation cell is even bigger. You see, I have these moments in which I feel myself locked up again in an isolation cell. I can't explain how that feels, but I can guarantee that it isn't a nice feeling.
Another fear I would have to face if I'd go through my personal fear landscape is the fear of fire. I'm extremely afraid of fire. When I leave my place, I'm always afraid a fire will destroy the place while I'm gone, and sometimes I'm afraid that one person in particular will cause the fire. Sounds crazy? You've got every reason to think I'm crazy, but believe me, when you see constantly images in your head in which that specific person throws a Molotovcocktail in your room so that it burns down to ashes, you get afraid. Also, a fire can happen because of short-circuiting or whatever. Accidents happen so easily, so often...
Maybe you wouldn't expect the next fear, but it is fear of myself. I don't trust myself, because I'm constantly under the influence of pills, and sometimes I have these moments in which I want to quit taking those artificial aids. I do know they help me to keep control, and I do know I need them, but can you imagine that, after 14 years of taking those stupid pills, I'm getting tired of taking them? It's a dangerous, unbalanced situation. In the past, I've done this before, unfortunately with bad consequences. However, it's learnt me that I don't have to quit taking my pills. But I get t-i-r-e-d of taking them, so freaking t-i-r-e-d... The fear is that, if I quit taking them, I will surely get a relapse and have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Also, if I don't take my pills, I become a different person, a dangerous person, because then, the world around me becomes threatening. Then I can attack people, especially when I'm under the influence of voices. So that's why I'm afraid of myself... afraid that I will lose the battle with the pills. Afraid that I will lose the battle with the cutting glass. Afraid that I will lose the battle with my (in)sanity. So afraid...
Another fear is a little bit difficult for me to explain, but it's important that I tell about it. Many among you have probably asked themselves why I'm still single. I'm 31, and I've been single for 12 years now. That's a while, isn't it? Is it because I haven't had opportunities? Oh no, there have been opportunities. Is it because I'm a lesbian maybe, and I don't want to tell anyone? Oh no, I'm straight, I'm pretty sure about that now, although I've got a past with a lesbian girl. Is it because I'm afraid? Yes, damn sure it is! And why am I afraid then? Well, let me explain it to you. I'm afraid of the sexual deeds. I've had three boyfriends, and especially the first one has abused me sexually. That's why I'm afraid to have sex. And you know how men are. They just need sex. I don't know any man or boy for that matter who doesn't need sex in a relationship. And all the people in church say that there is a man for me, somewhere, because God created humans to be together, as man and woman. However, I know what happened, and I don't want to go through that again. I truly think that my fear of having sex is the reason why my last boyfriend broke up with me. I just couldn't give it to him. I was too afraid, too tense. Maybe I should have put this fear even higher up the list, but it's something I feel ashamed of. However, it's an important thing that makes Debz Debz. It sure as hell made me feel attracted to women for a while, but I knew that was a big mistake only shortly after that, because I can't imagine myself having sex with a woman either. If I could only find a man who would contend himself with just hugging and holding hands...
Another fear is fear of heights. I truly try to gain power over this fear, but it's difficult and dazzling when I'm up high. However, at the same time, it's amazing. It gives me some sort of adrenaline rush. I can say this is a minor fear, just like fear of darkness. You wouldn't expect that from an amateur astronomer, would you? In fact, I'm quite afraid in the dark alone, especially when I'm strolling through Leiden or when I'm in an unknown place. It helps when someone is with me, but still, I'm not feeling at ease. It's because I don't see well enough in the dark, I guess. These are some minor fears, but I'd still have to face them in my fear landscape.
That makes six fears, which is in fact few. I'm sure there are more things I'm afraid of, but I'll leave it to these six. Now I'm very interested in your fears and in your reactions to my fears, dear readers. Did you or didn't you know about my fears? I'd be glad to read your comments here :)
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