Good intentions, bad decisions

Oh, how familiar this sounds to me. I have good intentions, people around me have good intentions, but we all make these bad decisions that can affect other people's - and our own! - lives. What can there be done about it? It's quite a delicate subject. However, let's tackle the problem and see which path this post will follow...

Recently, I've had some good intentions, especially when it comes down to me, myself and I. I want to be able to live through the day, so to speak. I want to be able to go to bed at night while being able to looking back at the entire day and saying to myself: "Well, mission accomplished, you're still alive!" Sounds a little bit exaggerated maybe? I can tell you honestly that this is not the case. Nor is it my intention to make you worried. Somehow, things aren't going the way I want them to go. I still have these thesis issues, I have family issues, I have money issues... but alright, who hasn't issues? Still, in all this mess, I've got to find myself back, which is quite a difficult task, so difficult a task as I've never faced before, it seems. 

People tell me I have to take good care of myself. Sounds easy, but if you've ever had moodswings, you know damn well this is not an easy task. It comes down to this: the easiest thing to do is to lie in bed all day, trying to catch a few hours of extra sleep, not thinking about all the rubbish in this fucked-up life... But it doesn't work like that, of course. You have to get up in order to have breakfast, you have to brush your teeth, you have to go out to Albert Heijn in order to get some food on the table, you have to go to classes, to appointments with people who have the best intentions with you. That's a fact. You can't just hide in your bed all day. If only I could... I don't like to face reality at this moment. 

But Ok, let's turn back to the good intentions, all right? In order to get through the day, I have to drug myself. In fact, the meds are neatly prescribed, but I notice that the effects are wearing off faster and faster every day. In order to avoid another emotional crisis, I actually have to take more, which I did twice this week, without the necessary prescription. So far the appropiateness of my title: Good intentions, but terribly bad decisions. I shouldn't do it. I shouldn't augment the dose all by myself. Also, I shouldn't depend on other people. I'm so happy to have kind people around me, people that really want to help me. I'm not only referring to psychiatrists and nurses, but also to teachers. Today, once again, I asked my English teacher for a ride home, and kind as he is, he didn't have any objection. The problem was that I'd taken too many pills, yes indeed, the kind I was talking about in an earlier post, and I didn't feel very steady when I wanted to leave the classroom. But I feel guilty, in the first place because I shouldn't have (ab)used that extra dose of Tranxene, and in the second place because I don't want to depend on my teacher to bring me home. This wasn't the first time he brought me home, you know.

Other people around me also have good intentions. My mom for example wants to bring my sister and me back together again, but after what happened a couple of weeks ago - you can read about it in this post - I don't know if something that's been hurt so much can be mended again this easily. Also, I have to take the decision whether I want to see my sister back between now and two weeks time. How the hell am I going to make such a difficult decision? What's more, whatever my decision will be, it'll be a bad one for at least somebody. I'd rather have some more time before I see her, I want some responses at questions posed in the letter I wrote to her.

 
Talking about my sister, I've been through a lot of crap the past four weeks. I had the good intention to write her a letter in which I'd be very honest and tell her about the pain she's caused, but not in an impulsive way, no. I'd thought really well about it before mailing it to her. I expected a response, because I asked a couple of questions in order to improve our relationship. Somehow, in her opinion we're even now: she's had her say, I've had mine, so we should be able to start with a clean sheet. I had a good intention, but presumably made the wrong decision. I shouldn't have written her that letter at all, because she still seems to be unaware of the pain she's caused me. Not one apology, not one acknowledgement of my love towards her, not one remark about my openness... nothing. Why did I write this letter? What was I thinking? We're so different, how is it even possible that we are sisters? 

And what do I do to ease the pain? Right, take more and more pills. I think this is addiction, and although I had - and still have - good intentions, I make bad decisions. I should maybe try to write something down in my diary, or to draw or paint something. However, with all that's happening, this is too overwhelming. I just don't have the time nor the motivation to learn how to cope with these feelings in a healty way. So I suppress my anger, anxiety and sadness with tranquillizers... My only intention is to stay alive, without having to cut myself. My purpose in life is to finish my MA, to get a job I like, to be happy. So many good intentions just to stay alive, but these also mean that I make bad decisions. However, I think it's fair to admit that pills are a better alternative than cutting myself or committing suicide, if you'd ask me. 

Do you have good intentions towards me, dear reader?