Is it just me, or... ?

... is the world getting more and more menacing every minute? Yes people, it's been a while since my last post, but here I am, back again, although not feeling all too well to be honest. I'm not certain if my own health is in peril, but I know for certain that my grandma's is in jeopardy. After thirteen weeks, she could finally leave the hospital and go back home. That was not even three weeks ago. My granddad was crying out of sheer happiness, and I had a hard time not to cry along with him, because I was also very happy that we could have her back at home, where she belongs. However, Wednesday she will be admitted again, only to undergo another complicated and risky surgery on Friday. And not just any Friday, no, Friday the thirteenth, for crying out loud! As you might have read in an earlier post, I wanted to get rid of all my superstitious thoughts and feelings. However, it didn't work out too well - as you might have noticed - so I'm actually pretty afraid that something irreparable will happen and that we will lose her. And no, I'm not willing to give her out of hands yet, quite the contrary, I deliberately want to fight for her if that would be of any help.

My grandma. I'm so proud of her, because of her perseverance and happiness that keeps us as a family going...

It's not the only thing that keeps my mind spinning, though. Although I've finally finished that bloody thesis, I haven't had an easy time. First of all, I'm looking for a job, not yet desperately, but still... I should be able to earn some money to pay the bills. And then there is the reason why I'm writing this blog. My mood hasn't been too good lately. It's probably just because we're on the verge of switching to the "autumn modus", but it bothers me. And it's not only my mood. You see, I have these "ideas" that disturb my well-being. "Ideas" that some specific person will harm me, or my family and loved ones. "Ideas" that something terrible is happening to the people I love. You see, it's not only my grandma who's experiencing health issues, there's also my Blue friend. You might know him from his blog or not, but he's not feeling too well either. He has some quite serious neurological problems, and I wish there was a way in which I could help him, but I can't think of any. So I just sit here, in my 12 square metres, waiting for him to post something on his blog so that I can live in peace and quiet again. 

There's more, however. The above-mentioned ideas are not exactly what bothers me the most, no. What bothers me most are these "ideas" that other people want to do everything to do me harm - me or my family in any case. To put it more concrete: I'm afraid that someone wants to kill me. Someone in specific, indeed, but it's quite risky to put more details on my blog. However, I don't think she - for it's a she, indeed - shows any interest in my blog. Still, you never know. I'm afraid she wants to poison me. She can do that if she wants, there are possibilities for her to do it. I'm afraid she wants to make me abandon my house. Look, as I'm not a student anymore, I'd really prefer not to live in a student's flat anymore, but as far as I know, I'll have to put up with this situation for at least one more year, because Leiden has its housing problems for ex-students. I know for certain that she doesn't like me, and I experience her presence as extremely menacing. That's why I wrote that opening sentence. Look, I just think she wants to get rid of me, the sooner, the better, doesn't matter how. I do think she has some psychological issues too, and that's what scares me even more. I don't think she's a normal person, and I especially deny that she has any good intentions towards me. 

Ok, I've been asking myself if this is really as realistic as it seems to be for me at this very moment. I have to take into consideration the fact that I'm trying to reduce the amount of pills, especially the anti-psychotic Cisordinol. I've told my psychiatrist that I'm ok, but at the moment, I don't know if I can say this without lying to myself or to him. I acknowledge that these menacing thoughts could be a result of the lower dose I'm taking, but I don't want to give up yet. I mean, I've only diminished from 10 to 8 mg, which is practically nothing. One thing's for sure: I'm so obsessed with her wanting to get rid of me that I see things happen as if they were real. Like what? Well, like her putting some poison on my stuff in the kitchen. Or her leading a trial in court to put me out of my comfy student's room. Or her sending a gang of rapers and/or killers to me when I'm alone outside in the dark on the streets of Leiden. 

So what should I do? I know something's not quite right, but I don't want to put the blame on the pills. Hell, that's just not fair. I've been praying to God to make this experiment happen and to achieve my goal, that is, to be able to live with less numb-making pills. I know I should probably tell my psychiatrist and/or my nurse, but I just don't want to. I don't know if they'll immediately link it with the rescheduling of my pills, but... Oh Lord, I feel so helpless and worried, not only worried about my own mental health, but also and especially sick with worry when I think of the creepy illness of my Blue friend (he's only in his forties, he can't just die, can he?) or the unclear health problems that my grandma is experiencing. 

 

Anyway, one thing's for sure: I have extreme difficulties with thinking of "her" as just a person in my life. I keep on seeing her as the origin of all evil, indeed, as a servant of our common enemy: the devil. I have sufficient proof to say that she's a direct descendant or servant of the devil, but I can't put it here, for fear of getting into serious trouble. I'm off now, have some other stuff to do. I just hope and pray that everything will turn out to be all right. I'll try to keep you posted...