We all have our own struggles in life. Usually, if one struggle is (almost) over, another one appears. Since last Tuesday, I'm officially DM, Master of Arts. That means that the ongoing struggle with my Master's thesis is over. Finally, as some might say, without any congratulation whatsoever for having graduated Cum Laude... :S However, after graduation follows the one-million-dollar question: What do I want to do now I've graduated? What kind of job do I want to do? And especially: Will I ever find that job that is a perfect match with my high hopes and wishes?
During the summer break, I'd applied to be a teacher of English in The Hague, but I was unlucky because there weren't enough students to let the course go through. I wasn't immediately worried, it was only my first job interview. Still, I'd liked the sound of it, so I was just a little disappointed. Although I graduated as an MA student of Latin American Languages and Cultures - with Linguistics as my specialisation - I do have an affinity with English. I can express myself better in Spanish, though, but still, this was a job that suited me. In the end, it turned out that it was better it didn't go through, as my grandma became seriously ill - as in lethally ill - and I was needed back home, in Belgium. I had to be there for my family, and especially for my grandma. Now, 5 months after the facts, she is back home, still not completely recovered, but stable and - I hope! - more or less happy that she's still with us, the family that practically adores her. I'm back in Leiden and I've been looking for job opportunities. I applied for two jobs with a motivation letter and my CV, but without any result. At the moment, I'm working as a teacher of Dutch, Spanish and English, as in, I give some friends of mine private lessons in these foreign languages. I enjoy it a lot, especially because I can give them all my attention, as I only have one student at a time. It also means that I can mould their knowledge somehow, just as a potter moulds the clay. It is a satisfying pastime, but it's not enough to pay the bills every month, if you understand what I mean. I don't want to give it up, that's for sure, but I need something I can use to pay the rent. And then there were the chats with my ex-psychiatrist...
She's a special person, always been, from day 1 on. We met when I was only a week or so here in Leiden. I had to go to the ER because I'd cut myself badly. After the wounds had been looked after, there she came, as a psychiatrist still in training. She was my first positive encounter with psychiatry, I have to be honest. Long story, I won't bother you with it now, my dearest reader. Anyway, it's been about two years now that she left Leiden and went working in Utrecht, where her qualities were better appreciated. Since then we've been seeing each other on a more or less frequent basis. She's helped me through a difficult period, although she wasn't my psychiatrist anymore. She's been of invaluable help and I can compare her with a precious diamond, there's only one of those on our planet Earth. Later on, when I was already feeling better, we talked about many different subjects, and one in particular that kept coming back time and time again: working as a hands-on expert in a psychiatric setting. She was of the opinion that it would be something I had to keep in mind. So I did. All our chats haven't been in vain: at the beginning of September, I wrote a letter to a psychiatrist she frequently works with, in Utrecht/Zeist. Of course I hoped there would come a reply, some interest, maybe even an invitation to go and talk with that specific psychiatrist. And guess what, today I had an appointment with that psychiatrist and her team coordinator. I can hardly believe it, but it wasn't some dream nor an illusion, no. It was as real as can be.
So I went to Zeist by train this morning. And guess what, Debz wasn't that nervous. I'd say, just a little bit of healty tension. I'd decided that, whatever would happen, I'd stay myself, I wouldn't try to present myself as a different person, one that is better, less emotional, more stable or... no! I would be the person I am right now: a newly graduated Master of Arts, looking for a job in which I can excell, more or less stable, human - thus emotional when it comes to certain topics - borderliner, yes, but one who has learnt a lot in the past 13 years. And that experience is what characterises me. See, I have this heavy backpack, and in the backpack there are some good things I could certainly use as a hands-on expert, but there are also some heavy rocks I have to carry along with me, only because they are in the backpack I picked up some 13 years ago. I cannot just drop them, it doesn't work like that. I may need them in a later stage of life, who knows.
Anyway, I didn't feel very comfortable at the beginning, and then there came some questions that were quite tough to answer. Somehow, I managed to stay myself, and I answered out of this spirit of mine, one that tells me it's okay to be who I am. Afterwards, however, when I went back to Leiden by train, there was this nagging doubt. Was it somehow okay? Had I been thorough enough? Will they accept me for an internship? But I also thought: this is exactly what I want to do! I want to help other people, not only fellow patients but also social workers, by looking in my heavy backpack, and using the tools I find in there. I want to be of some significance in people's lives, also when this means I'll have to deal with a lot of suffering, not only mine, but also the suffering of the patients I will eventually work with. Rumour has it that the psychiatrist as well as the team coordinator want to offer me an internship. How awesome would that be?! Still... there is this - other - one-million-dollar question: Is there money to pay someone like me? And what do the other members of the team think about a hands-on expert like me forming part of their team? The truth will be revealed next week, at the earliest. So I'll have to endure this feeling of insecurity, of nagging doubt... I mean, although I am already a hands-on expert - by my past (and present) as a psychiatric patient - I don't have that many experience. So that's something they have to keep in mind. I'll first need training, and only then will we know if I can be of any significance in their team. I really pray to the Lord for this chance, this opportunity. If they don't give me the chance to prove myself, they will never find out. It will be tough, yes, it will sometimes maybe even be unbearable, but at least, I want to have given it a try...
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