it's almost X-mas! The most important day of the year! I nearly forgot to send you a letter, but if I send you this one by Super Dooper Santa Post, it must reach you on time.
Dear Santa,
this year I don't want to ask for books, nor for CDs or DVDs. As you might remember, these are my regular wishes. Nor am I that kind-hearted at the moment that I wanted to ask you for world peace or any such thing. No, this year my wishes go out to me and my family. Admittedly, a bit egocentric, that much is true, but 2013 hasn't been one of the most remarkable years when it comes to luck or positive things for me and my family. First of all, there was my grandma's health which has been in jeopardy more than once. Then there was my mom's complicated back surgery, from which she is still recovering. Also, the deterioration of the bond between me and my sister and brother-in-law. Not to mention the death of my true and loyal feathered warrior Chico. And now I'm here, writing you this while I'm lying in a bed in a closed ward of a psychiatric hospital.
I'm truly dispapointed in 2013. I'd known - almost predicted - it wouldn't be a good year, but this bad...? No, that, I hadn't expected. Surely there must have been some good times, you must ask me. Well, for one, I graduated Cum Laude and can call myself now a Master in Latin American Linguistics. Furthermore, and difficult though it was, I lived three months with my family in Belgium, to take care of my mother and grandmother. I hadn't been so close to them since 2002. It wasn't always perfect, but I was close to those who needed me. That felt really good. I also was the only one who didn't give up on my grandma's health. I knew for sure, thanks to God Almighty, that she would come out of the coma and that she would recover, albeit with some ailments here and there. I had Faith, Faith that I've lost now when it comes to my own situation.
I don't only think of myself and my family, but also of good friends and their family who have had to go through difficult times. It wasn't a good year for some friends who lost family members and loved ones. I can try to enumerate them, but I'm afraid I'll forget someone, so I don't. Cancer is a tricky disease, spreading rapidly and destroying people's lives. Heart attacks occur more and more often, and again, with people who are still young and vivid. Sarcoidosis is bothering my Blue Friend, of whom I still think almost every day, because he was the one who encouraged me to start this blog and because I've got loads of respect for him.
You see, dear Santa, there are many things not going too well. And then I should make a list of wishes for the festive days? ... I don't know, Santa. I can sure as hell ask for a stronger bond between me and my family members. All of them, a few in particular. I don't want to waste time crying over spilt milk. I doesn't make sense to look back, but rather to look forward. There is so much more we can do... together. I'm so happy that the family on my mom's side is gathering together again - with the exception of one we don't need to talk about. Together they take care of my dearest grandparents. As I'm in this hospital involuntarily and decided by law, I won't be able to go to them to wish them a Happy New Year. That breaks my heart, honestly. What breaks my heart even more is that my parents are apparently so ashamed about my situation that they're lying to people about my whereabouts. I understand that they lie to my grandparents, because they aren't too well, but I'd wish they told (part of) the truth to my two beautiful nieces. They're 6 and 9, for Christ's sake! They must be able to handle the truth: aunt Debz is in Holland in a hospital because she isn't feeling too well, but she's got a lot of very good doctors and nurses around her that take care of her. Dead-easy, right?
However, Santa, there are a few things we need to discuss. The voices, you know. Where do they come from? What is their purpose in my life? Why don't they go away with the prescribed medication? What more can I do to push them away, in the background? Because that's where they belong... So tough a relapse I've never had before, and it's hard to accept it. The voices haven't been so strong ever before, nor have there been four. The Snake Princess wants me to join her army, the other three want me to escape, bang up a few people on the road and jump off the thirteenth floor of the parking garage. All they want is destruction, aggression and violence. I don't want to take this any longer, Santa. I want to cooperate with the nurses and the doctors, although the latter ones don't take my case seriously, so that cooperation is a bit harsh. Still, Santa, I have to have hope for the future. I have to find back that pride I had when I just graduated. Celebrating X-mas in a closed ward of a psychiatric hospital involuntarily makes me very unhappy, but there's nothing I can do to change it. There are apparently no redeeming circumstances.
Dear Santa,
this was my 2013 letter. I'm calling for peace, peace in the family and peace in my heart and soul. That's all I want. I hope you have a piece left of it in your enormous store.
Sincerely yours,
Debz
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