Feels like home

I knew it would happen one day. I knew it for sure. Only, I wasn't sure when and if it would feel good and especially, if I would really be okay. Today, that day has come. After a long night - which was the initial intention - that took eventually 15 weeks I'm back home in my cosy student room in Leiden. And honestly, I think I've deserved it, because I'm really free now. The judge had initially decided that I had an RM ('rechterlijke machtiging', judicial authorization) until the sixth of June - a period of six months, which is standard. Of course, there was always the possibility to go home earlier, that is, if I got better and if I behaved, which I didn't always do, let's be honest. I've seen the inside of an isolation cell more than I liked. Anyway, I consider myself lucky, because there exists also a conditional RM. However, I'm completely free, they took away my RM. Isn't that a reason to celebrate?

The view from my hospital room, yesterday evening late... Last night at the closed ward!

Coming home feels good, especially good to see that Timo has almost completely recovered from his illness. He had an infection from a mite, and add the stress from my absence and you get a sick bird. Now he's happy again, talking, flying, whistling... My good old budgy is back in town, as is his momma ;)

The coming weeks won't be easy though. I'll get help from nurses who come to my place and with whom I can talk and evaluate the day. We'll also clean up this mess which was once a clean student room. It's just one of the many projects I have. As you know, I'm writing a book in Dutch, and I'm also preparing something for the nurses from the closed ward. I won't go into detail because at least one of them reads this blog regularly, so it has to remain a secret for now. 

Furthermore, it feels good to be home, a positive start. With the help from the nurses I hope I'll be able to be fully recovered within 6 weeks' time. That's the time they give me to recover. After that, I'll have to arrange things again with my psychiatric nurse and psychiatrist. I'm hoping that my temporary psychiatrist will take me seriously too. It's only for six weeks, but we still have to get to know each other and he seems very serious, in the negative sense, unfortunately. I asked him about mood stabilizers. He'll think about it, which, in my opinion, means that he won't join my ideas.

Anyway, I couldn't have done this without my Lord. He is my Shepherd, he is the One that made this possible, because if I didn't succeed in getting better in those 5 weeks, I'd have to go to a centre where they are very strict, the CIB (Centre for Intensive Treatment). And believe me, you don't want to go there... although during the intake this week, they told me some different stories so it seemed that it's less strict and threatening than I thought.

Unfortunately, with a laugh, there are always tears in my case as I'm a rapid cycle bipolar person, or so it seems. I'm really going to miss some - if not most - of the nurses. After 15 weeks of intensive treatment in a high care setting, you get to know people and they treat you with respect, they treat you as a human being, the dozens of separations not included by the way. There was this supernurse I wrote about, but unfortunately I couldn't say goodbye to him, because he's injured and was also enjoying his holidays this week. In fact, during the last weeks I noticed that he's not the only one who deserves that title. There was this one nurse I could call super dooper nurse, because we've been working a lot together during the past few weeks and it was a real cooperation. We shook hands every day, every hour, at every achievement. He'll be missed by Debz, a lot! But honestly, most of the nurses of the closed ward have taught me at least something. There was this wise guy who also has budgies - 5!! - and a dog with the same name as my teddy bear, Lotje. He has shown many different sides of himself, but I'm grateful for the good and thorough conversations we had. 

I also think that I'll have to subject myself to more therapies, serious therapies, to get to know myself better and to be able to handle my emotions in a more steady way. I'd already started Schema Therapy non-verbally with my creative therapist and I want to pick it up again after the intensive visits by the nurses are over. Now is not the time, I think, it's just too early. You see, that's where it went wrong, that's where I heard those voices for the first time again, after all these years of imagined freedom: "you're worthless, you're nothing, you're a mistake" (their words) Now I know that I do deserve a good life, and I will fight for it. I'm thinking of taking up karate, I want to do some voluntary work and I want to keep on giving private lessons. Also, I want to join the astronomy club here in Leiden. You see, a lot of plans, but now I hope I can make most of them true! Please people, pray for me, praying is a powerful tool. If you don't believe in God, so be it, but then think of me. I can certainly use the support...