I've been feeling alone and worthless again for a couple of weeks now. Some things aren't going too well. And of course, then we have this whole autumn/winter thing. I don't really like it when the days are getting shorter and colder, and when the leaves are falling from the trees, how beautiful the colours of the leaves may seem. It gives me an utterly sad feeling. Everything seems to be dying. And here I am, in my beautiful apartment, but all alone and grieving a little bit. See, one of our family's friends is very ill. And then I'm talking about terminal cancer. The prospects aren't good. It hurts to have to see how life's slipping away out of someone. It's hard to deal with the fact that death always wins, no matter what we try, no matter how many prayers we say. In the end, death wins the game.
My black dog is getting bigger and stronger every day. I have difficulties to motivate myself to do something. As I wrote, I'm feeling alone and worthless again. Depression is taking over and I'm feeling so sad, nothing seems to please me anymore. I try to divert myself, by listening to music, by watching episodes of Game of Thrones or by dragging myself to my karate lessons, but nothing seems to help to get a better feeling. I do realise it's just the Black Dog, but still, it's tough. Last Friday, I cleaned the house, which I should consider a small miracle. However, I didn't get out of the house until the day after that. I notice that I'm not into leaving the house a lot, and if I do, it doesn't help to defeat the Black Dog.
What else does the Black Dog do? Well, first of all, it takes away my self-esteem, my self-confidence. I feel so unsure about myself. This doesn't help when I go to my karate lessons. On the contrary, I'm so insecure and I don't want to make mistakes that I even doubt whether to go to the training or not. Cause if I don't go, I can't make any mistakes. If I could, I would lie in bed all day, cause sleeping helps. It means I don't have to think about life and death, I don't have to think about anything anymore. Because of the presence of the Black Dog, I feel empty and lonely. I don't want to get in touch with my friends, because I don't want them to see the person I am when the Black Dog gets loose. It may sound a little awkward, which it actually is. Maybe it's even contradictory. I observe that this is my coping strategy: when I feel sad and depressed, I try to solve it on my own. But then, I always fail, and end up feeling worse. However, I don't want to bother my friends, I want to be in touch with them when I'm all right, that's so much more fun!
There's one thing that has to be clear, though: in this battle between me and my Black Dog, he won't win the game! I will never, ever give up! I'm not that person anymore. In the end, I'll win, no matter how much time it'll take. I'm a fighter, I never give up. The Black Dog will some day be small again. And eventually, he'll go back to sleep. See, the clue is to not let him grow too big, to keep control of him. And yes, maybe he's in control now, but not forever. I keep on going to my karate lessons, with a little help from a friend, that is. I get out of bed every morning, albeit a little late. I see my therapist every week and we discuss the topics that keep me busy. Today he reassured me by telling that the topics we tackle are not even that weird but actually quite normal, that they don't show me my "psychiatric" side but rather that they show that I'm entirely human, and that I'm dealing with very normal, human things in life. Yes, it seems that I'm struggling with topics every teenager/adolescent gets confronted with. I might be experiencing puberty now, something I skipped when I was 16. Could it be?
To be continued...
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