Back behind closed doors

It's unbelievable. It's incredible. It can't be true. It's also indescribably difficult for me to tell you this. Because I was doing so well. Because I was on the outside again. Because I was finally making some progress. But it's as true as the fact that Elvis Presley is dead (yes, my Blue friend, he is dead): I'm back behind closed doors, as in the isolation cell. 

What happened? Well, I was on the edge of reason. I was mad, mad on somebody. Won't mention who, however, but (s)he who reads this will know that I'm talking about him/her. We just had a row. On Facebook, for that matter. Welcome to the modern world where cyberfights are possible ;) 

I went to the isolation cell to calm down for just one hour. This is an inside agreement: If you don't feel well and you're afraid things are only going to get out of hand and you're going to end up there anyway, but then for a larger amount of time and involuntarily, just go there for an hour. After the hour had passed, I had a look at what (s)he had written on Facebook via my mobile phone and although it was still a bitter pill to swallow and although I was still fuming, I decided I didn't want to spend an extra hour there in that rotten cell. So I went back to the ward. Wrong decision! The doors to the ward opened, and - as one of the nurses told me afterwards, for I had a black-out and can hardly remember anything between the moment of walking in the corridor, back to the ward and being in the isolation cell for the second time - I took a dive for the entrance door, so that a nurse had to grab me away from there. Punishment: isolation cell, back to step 1. I was in step 8 at that time, goddammit. I had the freedom to go outside with company. How incredibly stupid of me! But then again, how much control did I have? It were these m*therf*cking demons... again...

Had I listened to my inner voice who told me to stay just one more hour in that cell! Had I had the power so that the demons didn't take over my body, for that was what happened: they took over my body once again and took a dive for the entrance door, with the purpose to escape. It's always them! I loathe them! I despise them!

Three nurses brought me to the isolation cell, but soon they called alarm for more. If I remember well - but my short term memory is terribly short at the moment - at a given moment there were six people on and around me, and still it took them so long to undress me and to put me into wrapping blankets. I was fighting all the time, thank you so much, memories from Belgium for what happened over there. That obviously doesn't help. I just can't cooperate then. I have to fight, to resist, to show what I'm worth. That's my way of coping with the situation, because then it feels like I'm dissociating. I'm in a completely different world. And then I'm not myself. I'm a monster, because I'm very strong. That explains probably the six people. Finally, when everyone leaves the cell and they leave me in the wrapping blankets, I lose all my power and am as powerless as a newborn kitten.   

Now we're almost two days further. I can't bear it anymore in that cell, I just can't. Luckily, the time outside is increasing and thus the time inside is decreasing, but still... I still have to spend the night there, in which I wake up at least 5 times. I'm there from 9.30 PM till at least 7.30 AM. With a bit of luck, then I can get out, if I'm in one of the higher phases. See, this brilliant psychiatrist of mine has made this brilliant plan: the first shift, I can get out 3 times a quarter of an hour, then 3 times half an hour, then 3 times an hour, 3 times an hour and a half - where I am right now - 3 times per 2 hours, and then one day in which I only have to rest there after lunch and spend the night there. Right then we're in step 6. Step 7 means deseparation. However, step 7 is divided into step 7.1, 7.2 and 7.3, another brilliant invention from my brilliant psychiatrist. So this deseparation takes 3 days for Christ's sake! And then I'll finally be back in step 8, that is, if everything goes as planned. And then, only then, can I get back to the outside. So it seems I'll be back behind closed doors for a while again... and we'll have to deal with that, want it or not...

PS: Seems like today is not my lucky day... After their conclave, the nurses decided I can't go from phase 4 to phase 5, and all because of the fact that I dissociated in one of the three mobilisations...  That sucks... :'(