Fresh air and Guaraná

Sometimes, life is hard and you just have to deal with whatever gets in your way. I've been in a closed ward of a psychiatric hospital for 5 weeks now, and I can tell you, it drives me crazy. Last Wednesday was the first day I could legally go outside, but we just went to the building next to the clinic, so for me it wasn't really "outside", if you know what I mean. So I wanted more, but Thursday was a nasty day and as I had to have someone who accompanies me, I had to stay inside. But then finally came yesterday, and me and my friend Luiza - such a precious young lady! Love you, girl! - really went outside to get some fresh air and some Guaraná.

You can't imagine how frustrating it is to be locked up and to be denied to go outside for such a large amount of time. Also, they checked my blood and figured out that my vitamine D level was too low. The doctor added somewhat guiltily: "This often happens with people who spend a long time on the inside". And on the inside I have been! Last night was the sixth night in 5 weeks I could spend in a normal bed. All the other nights of those 5 weeks I had to spend in the isolation cell, can you imagine? I blame them, the doctors and the nurses, for my weak health condition right now. Because that's what it is, I'm weak. I can't walk a mile, let alone run a mile. 

I'm happy they let me out of the isolation cell, now almost a week ago, but the struggle against the demons continues and is tough, very tough. Every now and then they get their grip on me, and I can't withstand their power. Also, I get little to no support from my family. That is tough, I can guarantee you that. I won't go into details, it would be one whole list of accusations and I don't want to do that, but if they could only support me, ask me how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, what they can do to help. But no, nothing of that, only threats, accusations from their side and worries from my part. 
 

Anyway, let's not go there. Let's go back to yesterday. We went - how cliché - to McDonald's. A McFlurry. Tasty if you haven't eaten one for such a long time, I can tell you that! I was completely flabbergasted by the McFlurry Stracciatella (or how do you write that? I speak five languages, but no Italian), but they didn't have it anymore. So I chose the McFlurry M&M's. Always good and tasty, even though a little bit predictable for Debz. Never mind, I liked it. And Luiza had another one, but I can't remember which one. So far my short term memory. 

After that, we went to a shopping centre, but first, what I liked most of the entire trip we did: just sitting in the car and have a ride. Seeing things. Sitting in a comfortable position. Just sitting there while someone drives you through Leiden and its environment. Awesome, that's the word! I'd been locked up and had seen nothing but the ward's corridors for the past five weeks, remember??

In the shopping centre there were quite a few people, so it wasn't easy to not get distressed. But I think I did quite a good job. We went to Albert Heijn to buy some Guaraná. Don't know what Guaraná is? Oh, you are such an unlucky person, I must say! It's a Brazilian soda and it tastes really good. Luiza is half-Brazilian - if not more ;) - and she bought almost the entire shelf. I was lucky to get some of hers :D 

Then came the most difficult moment: getting back to the clinic, which went extremely well. It was only when Luiza and her boyfriend went away that it went wrong. I started dissociating. Seems it always happens when the emotions get too high... *sigh* 

But that still leaves us with the fresh air and the Guaraná. I've just had one - a Guaraná - and I'm doubting if I should or shouldn't take a second one. They're just delicious, just try it once and you'll have to agree with me!