It's almost three months since I've been here, at this closed ward of a psychiatric hospital and one thing is for sure: when I came here, I didn't have these speaking and articulating issues. Sometimes, the saliva leaves my mouth even while I'm awake and without speaking, because it's mostly during the night that I have these problems or when I take a nap during the day. When I wake up, my pillow is almost entirely wet where my head has laid all night. However, during the day, in plain sight, I feel really embarassed and ashamed. As if I were a toddler learning how to speak properly concerning the way of speaking or an old drunk in the way of articulating. It hurts my feelings and my self-esteem. When I'm in a shop, they don't understand me and have to ask at least two times what it is I want. I see the impatience in their eyes, I see their boredom. They don't know how to handle someone who speaks like this. They've probably condemned me to the ranks of scum anyway.
It's just, I can't do anything that I can help to diminish the side-effects. Sometimes, it's just as if the side-effects are more prominent than the positive effects. So what should I do: keep taking the freaking meds or quit with it all?
Anyway, I'm still here against my will. The finishing date of my RM (judicial authorization) is approaching, but the psychiatrist has asked for a re-evaluation. The second opinion of an objective psychiatrist obtained the same result: affirmative. However, it's the judge who decides. If I can convince him/her that it's not necessary for me to be in this hospital, then I can go home. However, it will be tough, because I'm not so strong verbally and not in the least because a lot has happened. Maybe I can write him/her a letter, just like I did the last time which gave me a better verdict than I'd ever'd hoped for: only 4 months instead of 6.
Still, we don't know when the judge will come, only one day before the meeting will we know. I'm nervous already, although it can be tomorrow so to speak, but it can also be between now and three weeks. Also, the length of the RM can vary between 6 months and a year, but the fact that I've been in and out of psychiatric hospitals and because they - psychiatrist, psychologists and the rest of the staff - see some progress, seem to turn out negative for me. I'm afraid I'll get that extra time on the inside.
It hurts to be so lonely, so far away from friens and - especially - family. The problem with an RM is that you're in principle not allowed to travel abroad. And if they're very severe, travelling from the Netherlands to Belgium would be a crime. Just hoping not to get caught when I'm on the train, because on top of all that, my ID has expired. Still a lot to do before I'm able to go to Belgium alone by train, though... wish me luck!
