Yes, it was a rough year, but I've survived. This is the first time ever, since my psychological problems started, that it's been a year:
- without psychosis
- without suicidal thoughts
- without having to be admitted to a clinic, not even for one night
- without a crisis that got out of hand
- without a suicide attempt (in particular by taking an overdose)
I could consider myself blessed. A year ago I would never have acknowledged that I would be where I am right now: stable in the most basic sense of the word, in my own apartment, having published two books and now even looking for a job to fill in the gaps that can't be filled with the few private lessons I'm teaching at the moment. Furthermore, being an active member of the Leiden observatory as well as of Daidokan Karate club gives me the feeling I belong to society in some way. I mean, I no longer feel a burden for society, which I did when I was admitted. I had a strong feeling of inferiority and it was just as if I was an expensive member of society. I didn't participate, I was nobody, nothing... Right now, I'm getting rid of that inferiority complex.
October 5th, 2015, marked the end of a period in which I'd had to fight for my life, quite literally in fact. It was a difficult period in my life, if not the most difficult. Confrontation with my most extreme emotions, my deepest fears, also with the complex person that I am. It wasn't easy, but I eventually obtained the greatest good: freedom! They discharged me and trusted that I'd find my way back in society. And guess what, I managed to live up to their expectations! Soon after I was back home, I started looking for a place to live in because, let's face it, I couldn't keep on living in a student's flat in a 3-by-4 room. And look at that, almost 14 years after coming to Leiden and moving into the Pelikaanhof, I finally found my own space! I'm still in treatment, but next to that I'm doing things that I really like. I'm teaching Spanish and Dutch as a second language to Portuguese native speakers. Also, I'm a volunteer at the Leiden observatory and I participate in a council from and for clients from the psychiatric clinic here in Leiden. Furthermore, I'm practicing karate, something I'd been dreaming of since I was eight. So it seems as if I'm doing great.
People aren't economical with their compliments, which I do appreciate. They see what they see, and that's kind of the truth: things are going well. I've finally found my way in life! I'm happy and it seems as if - finally - the odds are in my favour. Especially when I received the keys of my apartment did I realise that maybe times are finally changing. All those years of bad luck... or maybe it isn't a matter of good or bad luck, I don't know. And I know that, when things are going well with Debz, then things are going okay with my mom too. So all these things mean that my mom is doing great as well, which gives me joy.
And yes, you felt it coming, right. There is a BUT. Of course there were difficult moments during the past year. I only managed to put on a mask in front of people then, in order to hide it from the outside. You see, this life remains a struggle. People are too naive when they truly believe "everything" is all right. My mind is sometimes clouded with inferiority thoughts, sometimes I feel worth less than nothing. The only difference is that, now, I somehow know how to deal with these thoughts. No week passes by that, during my session with my psychologist, I have to cry because I feel miserable. Sometimes I feel hopeless. More than once a week I feel so lonely that I get sad and I sometimes do ask myself why I keep on going. But then, eventually, I get up and start the day, although it's maybe late already and although I'm not really in the mood. Eventually I feel better, and go to my appointments. I teach. I go to karate. I study in order to keep my brain working. And no, it's not always easy. But hey, look where I come from! Finally I can truly say that I am proud. I've got so far already, but that doesn't mean it's going to get easy from now on. Quite the contrary, I'd say. Every day I set a new record. Wauw! In fact, I should celebrate every day, but maybe that would become boring after a while. Let's just celebrate this day, today. Quite a milestone it is!
This has been written by a truly proud and happy Debz :)
