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| RIP Marieke |
It was then that I realized once again that I'm lucky, lucky to be alive, lucky to have the life that I have. But no, it is not as easy as it seems, although some, if not most, people will think I get everything for free. But they probably don't know where I come from. I know where I come from, though. I'm still a psychiatric patient, with a severe psychiatric disorder, as the ladies and gentlemen psychiatrists state. I still have this double diagnosis: the main diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder, although a year ago my psychologist claimed that I lost the rough edges of this diagnosis. He also claimed that I nearly lost all the characteristics of the second diagnosis, which is Psychotic Disorder (not otherwise defined). I mainly agree with him, but I think I lost the characteristics thanks to the meds I currently take. I've been on Clozapine for the past four years, and although this is actually medication for people with severe schizophrenia, it seems to keep the teasing voices in my head away. I'm very thankful for the fact that the psychiatrist I had at the CIB had the guts to try out the Clozapine. He literally said that if the Clozapine didn't work, that we would be out of options. But fortunately, it dit what it was meant to do, and at this moment, I've been free of psychoses for over four years, which is unprecedented.
At the CIB I saw a lot of young girls throwing away their future by being rebellious and having a lot of self-pity. That's when I finally woke up and decided something had to change. I started working hard, especially in therapy, I stopped playing games with the meds and started taking them as I was supposed to do. After a year at the CIB I could finally go home, unlike most of the other girls, who were transferred to other clinics. I started with a clean sheet, with the help of nurses of the FACT-team here in Leiden. After a couple of months, I was even lucky to swap my student flat for a newly-built flat. That was another big change in my life, and I still thank God for the beautiful opportunity He gave me. The flat is awesome, it's so beautiful and I enjoy living here every day. But that was the easy part. The most difficult part was still to come.
For many years my days were full of activities. I finished university in 2013, and as well during my studies as after all those years at university I'd been in therapy, so my days had always been full of activities. But when I came back from the CIB in 2015, there was little left of all that. At the beginning, I still went to the CIB a couple of days for some therapies at the day care centre, but my psychologist was against this. He said I had to learn to take care of myself, and that I had to find activities outside of that small world I'd been in for too long. Of course he was right, but at the beginning, I felt rejected and hopeless. How could he expect so much of me? I couldn't possibly do everything on my own? I needed the help of therapists, right? Well... no, not exactly. So, very slowly, I started building up my life. I found activities which got the label "healthy" from my therapist: I went to the Leiden observatory, I went to karate, and slowly but gradually I picked up teaching private lessons at home.
So that's how it all began. I observed that I really enjoyed teaching. And I think I can honestly say that it's something I'm actually pretty good at. I have a lot of patience and discipline, two indispensable characteristics for being a good teacher. I especially enjoy creating my own exercises, my own hand-outs, my own practice tests. It gives me a good feeling, as if finally, I'm contributing to society in one way or another. However, I know that many people I know despise teachers and look down on them. They really don't have a clue of how much work there is involved in teaching. It's not those couple of hours of teaching, it's all those hours dedicated to the preparation of a lesson that count. And people just don't see that. They have no respect for teachers, they even accuse them of being profiteers, because they have so many holidays. Well, people really have no idea how much time teachers spend working outside their classroom, at home, late at night, behind their laptop, working out some exercises or a practice test. Because yes, one and a half years ago, I also started teaching small groups at the Women and Child Centre here in Leiden. I can honestly say that I enjoy teaching groups even more than I do teaching individual students. I teach Spanish to small groups of women as a volunteer and it gives me a good feeling when I notice that my students seem to learn something, especially because I teach the beginners group, so after ten weeks, they are able to say something in Spanish.
It's been three and a half years that I'm home from the CIB, and no, it's not easy to organize my days. It's still a struggle to get up in the morning for example. As my meds have quite a lot of side effects, it's difficult to get up early. Also, they can give me stomach aches from time to time. And I still sometimes struggle to accept the fact that I have to take 17 pills a day. I know it's for the greater good, but still... When it's that time of the day again to take a couple of pills and people get curious, it's not easy to explain that or especially why I have to take them. I know I shouldn't bother: someone with diabetes also needs his/her insuline shots, but still, the taboo is still quite big when it comes to psychiatric meds. But, I can guarantee, those meds can be life saving. Never before have I had meds that could keep the voices outside. I truly hope my life can continue the way it goes now. I have to work hard every day. It starts with getting up in the morning, swallowing those five pills, and starting to do something instead of getting back to bed when I have no appointments. Things are going well, but it involves a lot of effort, day after day. I'm actually going to start a procedure to find a paid job with the help of a job coach of the mental institution. It's called an IPS-trajectory (Individual Placement and Support) and it's meant to help people with psychiatric disorders to find a suitable job. I do love what I'm doing now, but it's not enough to pay the bills and I also think I'm ready for the next episode.
What I actually wanted to say: yes, I'm doing fine, yes, things are looking good, but I don't get everything for free. I work hard, and I think the only way I got all my successes is the hard way, i.e. by fighting hard against all the things and people who are against me. Because yes, I've lost lots of friends the past years, not only when I was admitted at the CIB, but also after that difficult period. People couldn't deal with the fact that suddenly, I didn't have that much time anymore to hang out all the time. I do know now who my real friends are: those who understand that I need time to work and also time for myself after I've been working hard. Because life still isn't easy, nor will it ever be. But I choose to live, and it's a pity that so many of my fellow CIB mates can't see that there's another way out, way beyond suffering, pain and eventually death. I wish I could convince them, but it's their decision. I pity them and I wish I can convince those who are in doubt between life and death: a good life is possible, just don't give up and fight! If I can do it, so can you. Just don't give up yet. There's always another way!
