While fireworks are cracking incessantly outside - and it's not even 12 o'clock! - I've decided to write something on my blog, a blog I've neglected for nearly five years, as I just discovered a few minutes ago when I verified when was my last blog post. The last hour of the year 2023 has just begun, fifteen minutes ago. So what was the reason that I haven't written anything on my blog all this time? Maybe because I didn't have enough inspiration to write anything on it? Or was it just that the main reason for writing - to cope with difficult situations in my life - had somehow disappeared? I have to admit that, for a large period in my life, things have gone incredibly well and that, since a couple of months, unfortunately, luck seems to have turned its back on me. So that could well be one of the main reasons for picking up where I had left. As I always felt better after posting something on my blog, that could be what I am looking for at the moment.
Right now, I'm alone, at home in Leiden, celebrating New Year's Eve, welcoming the year 2024 in about half an hour. Alone, yes, and people might think that is really sad. It actually is, however I've been trying to disguise it for all the people in my environment. It's not that nobody invited me, no. I was welcome to celebrate New Year's Eve with many different friends, but I declined each and every invitation. It's just that initially I didn't feel like celebrating anything. A lot has happened recently, and I preferred to be at home this evening. Initially I didn't even want to celebrate anything, but recently I've had some small successes in my life, which have encouraged me to do something special at least this evening. And in fact, this is an ideal opportunity to say once and for all goodbye to 2023, which was in many respects a horrible year and to welcome a hopefully better 2024.
While me and my boyfriend (meanwhile: ex-boyfriend) were convinced that 2023 would be the best year ever for us, it became a disastrous year in many respects. Not only did our relationship become more and more complicated because I had decided I couldn't have any children due to my problems concerning the medication I need to take, it became so bad that I finally decided to break up with him in August. He was extremely upset, so our breakup didn't go smoothly. It was a difficult decision to break up with him after nearly two and a half years, but in hindsight, it was the best decision I've made this year. See, our relationship wasn't particularly healthy. I only discovered this later on in our relationship, when I shared certain things, certain situations with friends. They told me that what happened in our relationship wasn't normal at all. In fact, you could say that he was quite manipulative, controlling, maybe even narcissistic in some respects.
And that was not the only situation that caused me a lot of heartache. I love my parents more and more each day, so you can imagine that, when something bad happens to one of them, I'm extremely sad and worried sick. So it happened that after a long way of medical investigations and with many vague symptoms, my mother was diagnosed with a large brain tumor. After a successful surgery, when not one but three tumors were discovered, from which one could not be removed, she is still recovering, and the recovery is very slow, which causes her a lot of frustration and worries about her future. What's more, my father got also bad news after a routine intestine investigation. It could be cancer, both in the intestines and in the prostate. Later, these worries would prove to be unnecessary when a thorough investigation proved that it was - luckily - not cancer.
And then something happened that I really didn't see coming. Due to all the stress in my personal life - the break-up with my (ex-)boyfriend, my mother's brain tumor, my father's possible cancer diagnosis - I had a breakdown at work, not once, but twice, although the second time was not as serious as the first time, the second time was a mere panic attack triggered by the fire alarm. My teamleader and manager apparently were frightened after what had happened. They weren't prepared for situations like these. They were apparently afraid this would happen over and over again. Still, their reaction was over-protective and completely over the top. I wasn't welcome at work anymore. I won't tell the whole story, but they have played a foul game. To summarize: I'm still at home after 14 weeks of "sick leave", not welcome at work anymore, but luckily after the Christmas break I will start working again, however, at a different department. I really have no clue as to what their problem is. It feels as if I am a kind of criminal, as if I have attacked somebody aggressively, or as if I have offended someone purposefully. Those weeks at home made me feel as if on house arrest, punished for something serious. My colleagues don't understand what is happening either. I also had to respect a whole lot of rules and guidelines. But what was the worst was the fact that, due to what had happened, they - read: the management - have decided not to extend my contract. That was tough! Especially because only a short while before everything went wrong, they had praised me for the work I do, they had told me how happy they were to have me working for them and that I did a fantastic job. And now... this?!
So, you see that 2023 was quite a sh*tty year. It could have been better. That's the least I can say. Especially because I also had to say goodbye to one of my best friends. She died on May, 9th. She was such a lovely friend, she was more, she was the first person I met when I came living here in the Netherlands and visited Leiden University. She'd worked for the University as a secretary for the Astronomy department, but unfortunately she had cancer. She was only 72 years old. I miss her dearly. She was always there for me, especially in those moments in which I was very, very ill, when I was admitted to psychiatric hospitals, even the worst one in The Hague. She was loyal, the only one who continued visiting me on a regular basis, even more loyal than my own family. Incredible. And then she died. It was tough to swallow.
While I'm writing this, the year 2024 has come. Welcome 2024! I hope you'll bring more happiness and better health than 2023, not only for myself, but also for my loved ones!
Happy New Year!
