Love like you've never loved before

Every morning I check my Facebook while having breakfast. That's usually a relaxing moment, checking what my friends have been doing while I was still fast asleep (I get up quite late, compared with the average human being. Has to do with my medication). But Monday morning the bread lost its taste completely when I saw that one of my Facebook friends posted that Laura had died. Suicide. Another one... Laura is one of my friends of the CIB. Those of you who are familiar with my posts know that the CIB is the "Centrum Intensieve Behandeling", the centre for intensive treatment, in The Hague where I resided for almost a year and got out really well, despite some really nasty experiences. I fought my way out of it, you could say. Laura wasn't so lucky. When her time at the CIB was over - you cannot stay there forever, after a year more or less, they send you back to the clinic you came from - they send her back. And since then she has been in different clinics, in and out. She was currently staying in Rotterdam. However, a couple of months ago, it looked like the odds were finally in her favour. They had a spot for her in a care farm. She was really excited about it, and she would be going there really soon. So what happened that made her change her mind so suddenly?

R.I.P. Laura

Last week, there were some alarming posts on her Facebook. She posted that she was tired of fighting. That she could no longer go on. People encouraged her to hang on. Her last post was last Saturday, at 9.23 in the morning. In hindsight, action should have been taken. It was a very alarming post. It was a message from somebody who had jumped in front of a train and who said sorry to the passengers on the train and those waiting on the platforms in the stations. It was her last post. That afternoon, she committed suicide. 

Laura is the sixth friend of the CIB who commits suicide. However, I don't get used to it. It never gets easy in one way or the other. It may sound a little strange, but it confronts me with my own thoughts. I count myself lucky that I got out of the biggest misery. Been there, done that, you could say. Still, some suicidal thoughts remain. I'm a lot happier than three, four years ago. But some unhappiness and pain is still there. Still, I don't think it's a good idea to dedicate much time to it. Nor is it a good idea to go into details.

What IS important is the fact that we have to love people and ourselves. Love like you've never loved before. Because - before you know it - it can be over. I do know one thing: since I got out of the CIB and out of the biggest misery I'd ever been in, I'm a different person. I think I can honestly say that I'm a friendly person. Sometimes I'm just walking on the street and I smile to everyone. What happens is that some people smile back, while others look puzzled. "Why is she smiling to me?", I hear them think. "Does she know me from somewhere?" Nope, it's just me, being friendly. Because, before you know it, this life will be over, and while you're still here on planet Earth, it doesn't hurt to smile. Also, I try to be friendly to people I used to have a grudge against. Why is that? Well, it feels so much better to see the frustration on their faces. They know I used to feel a grudge against them and they don't know if I'm just acting or if my sympathetic attitude is for real. And guess what, it actually helps to soften the grudge. The best example is the psychiatrist who treated me really bad and who sent me to the CIB. I was really mad at that man. But somehow, he actually did me a big favour, because I came out so much better. I don't think he had expected that, because honestly, NOBODY had expected that. You know, when there's hatred in your heart, you can't live life to the fullest. I know what I'm talking about. Of course, there are still some people who give me really bad feelings, but I think that's just inherent to us, human beings. 

Why is there so much hatred in this world? In my own family there are some terrible quarrels, and I feel so helpless, because I'm so different. I don't want any quarrels, nor do I want to encourage hatred. I really think that we should love each other more. Life can be so short! Look at Laura, she didn't get older than 22. If someone commits suicide, they must feel like they're all alone, like no one loves them anymore. That's why we should love, love like we've never loved before. It can be over so fast...