2016, are you ready? Here I come!

It's been a while, people, I know, I plead guilty. I've been absent from this blog during quite a long time. I couldn't find the time to post, nor did I have the inspiration to post anything that could be of any interest to my dearest readers from all around the world. A lot has happened since the last time I posted something on this blog. The biggest achievement during that long period was probably my discharge from the closed psychiatric clinic on the fifth of October 2015. After almost a year of intensive treatment, I could finally leave the clinic with my head held high. I did what only few people could accomplish: after a successful treatment, I could return to my good ol' student's room in Leiden. However, I noticed real soon that I wasn't happy anymore with life in these circumstances. I craved a place for myself, a place bigger than the 12 square metres I'd been living in since the year 2002. So the day after I got home from the clinic, I started looking seriously for a new place to live in. And finally, the future seems to become more positive towards me when it comes down to finding a place to live. 

2015 was in general quite a bad year. It was a year in which I already was admitted to a psychiatric clinic where I had to reside 10 months. During those 10 months, I had to fight in order to get myself together, to get a grip on myself and to understand myself better. It was a year in which I got to know people at the clinic who had to deal with similar psychological problems, people who often were less strong than I was - or so it seemed - and two of them - Marie-Claire and Daphne, may they rest in peace - weren't strong enough to keep on fighting and decided to give up the fight and chose death instead. You are both missed by me, your friends at the clinic and your family. It's such a big loss that you both gave up the fight, ladies. I truly hope you've finally found the peace you've been looking for for such a long time, and I do ask myself if it was worth the sad and definitive decision. 

RIP Marie-Claire

RIP, Daphne

However, there actually are some good things I have to mention about the year 2015. It was the year in which I learnt some things about myself that permitted me to be strong and to keep on fighting. Thanks to my psychologists I understand myself better and I'm able to live my life in a valuable way. I learnt to accept myself and - even more - the little Debz living inside of me, which is essential if I want to have a more or less "normal" life. 

Another good thing about the year 2015 is that it was the year in which my first book got published. It's title is " Ik, Timothy. Tussen zin en waanzin", which is Dutch for "I, Timothy. Between sense and frenzy". It's a Dutch book, because Dutch is my native language, and since its publication in September it has been sold over 140 times. I'm proud that the majority of my readers is positive and even enthusiastic about the book. Some are even asking me about the sequel, which I have already written but is now being revised by a friend of mine. After the check-up, I'll send it to the editor, hoping that they also want to publish my second book. I've even already started writing the third book, which will be a little bit more complicated in comparison with the first and second book. You'll understand why when - and if - it gets published in a future far away from here and now... 

2015 was also a year in which some family members were challenged when it came to their health. My dad got seriously hurt in an accident during work and as a result of this accident he had to stay at home during more than 6 months. My mom experienced trouble with her back the entire year, my grandmother is facing serious health problems with possible heart and kidney failure and my grandfather is limited by dementia. I felt powerless because I was at the closed psychiatric clinic in Holland and I couldn't go to Belgium to support my family, to be there for them. I was just looking from the sideline, or so it felt, and I couldn't do anything to help them. 

So, let's make our calculations about the year 2015: it wasn't a good year at all, with the only exception the publication of my first book. It's about time we exchanged 2015 for a new year because a new year means we also get new opportunities. So 2016, are you ready? Because here I come, eager to start a new year and to make the best of it. When it comes to my housing problem, there might be good news. I'm on the first spot for a house in the city of Leiden. I'll probably be invited next week to pay a visit to the house. If I like it, I can accept it and my housing troubles will come to an end. It's of course still premature, but this might be a brand new start. Also, if my second book gets published, I'll be a happy author once again. I did earn a relatively beautiful sum of money with the publication of the first book. What's more, it gave me self-confidence and a good feeling about myself. 

This year I promise myself I'll be a little bit kinder to myself. I'll try to be less critical towards myself and I'll try to grant myself something good every once in a while, just because I deserve it. This year I want to have my own house, and I want to make a fresh start. Hopefully I can make this start soon, with a new house as the most beautiful present one could ever imagine to start a new year. It all seems an idyllic fairy tale, but who knows, maybe this dream can become true anytime soon... Thumbs up! And, I promise you, dear reader, I'll try to post more often on this blog so you'll hear from me very soon again!

Receive my best wishes for 2016, a year filled with beautiful moments you can share with your family and friends! 

Stress sucks

Stress, a six-letter word, seemingly simple and innocent, yet bringing along many precautions: S-T-R-E-S-S, only six letters. There’s a lot that can be said and taught about stress, but one thing’s for sure: it wears me down. It stresses me down, so to speak. That’s right. In my personal life, I experience stress on a daily basis. It’s like the sword of Damocles, hanging there above my head, threatening, menacing. However, if you don’t experience stress on a regular basis, you’re considered not to be a human being. Or do animals also experience something like stress? So where is that balance point? Not too much stress, not too little. I can feel stress in my belly, boiling there until it reaches its boiling point. It starts out innocently, as a spark in my stomach, but any spark can start a fire, isn’t that right? It doesn’t always have to end in an outrageous fire, but still, chances of loads of damage can’t be discarded.
 

Stress doesn’t only have to be detectable through ways of your own feeling. There are other ways that you are probably not aware of. For example, other people around you can become irritated by your irritable behaviour because you are treating them badly or in such a way that you lose every sense of respect for them, putting yourself in the middle of the universe, where you – obviously – not are and where you probably won’t ever belong. Mind the humility. However, your stress doesn’t possibly have to be the stress of your acquaintances, if you know what I mean. Make sure that you keep your stress your own problem, and not theirs. Still, there is a way out of this situation. If you really want to share your stress and if you really need someone to help you cope with your stress levels, take this good and free advice of mine: go and see a psychiatrist. A good one, I mean, not just any one you choose randomly or one that randomly chooses you. Although sometimes you don’t have any spark of choice, don’t get me wrong. Another good and free advice of mine? You can easily check if the psychiatrist of your own choice – and thus the one you will share your stress with – is a good one by asking him or her a few seemingly ridiculous questions. If (s)he already makes a strange face when you mention the fact that you want to ask some questions before starting the first session – and thus when (s)he wants to starts asking questions him/herself, which is part of the job - forget about him/her and move on to the next one. If (s)he seems to be amused by your sly opening, there might be lying ahead a bright future between you and him/her when it comes to a psychiatric treatment. Ask him/her some personal questions about his/her hobbies, about his/her pets, about the car that (s)he drives. If (s)he doesn’t answer or answers these questions with a bewildered glare in his/her eyes, move on to the next one without any doubt. If (s)he keeps answering in an amused way however, you are probably very close to having found yourself the ultimate psychiatrist, one I can clearly recommend to you.
  

Back to stress, then. I usually seem to stress out when people put pressure on me or when there is a task with a time limit at hand I have to fulfill. As for that, I’m sure I’m not unique. However, take this recent example of mine which encompasses it all. I’ve been admitted to a psychiatric clinic for the past eight months now, which is a long time, fair enough. I’ve learnt a lot already, and maybe that’s an understatement. I’ve changed a lot, and that certainly is an understatement. I’ve been working physically and mentally to become the person I am right now. I still have a long way to go, so it’s not really possible to say when I’ll be leaving the clinic. I’m ambivalent in that respect. I wish I were out already on the one hand, but on the other hand, I still have so many things to learn in essence, and I want to leave this place with the maximum of what can be learnt in my mental backpack. I want to gain as much profit as possible from the kind of psychiatric treatment they offer in this clinic. Sometimes it’s good to be greedy. And then there comes the stress factor, lurking from the shadows. My psychologist has given me the opportunity to determine when I’m going to leave this clinic. Me, myself and I, figure that. I still can’t believe it, and that’s the reason why stress comes around. It could be worse, a lot worse, I do realise that, and that’s the reason why stress comes around the corner. Of course, pressure is a factor that is even worse if put in front of me choosing my resignation date or them – the entire team who has earned the five letters P-S-Y-C-H in front of their name: psychiatrist, psychologist, psychiatric nurse. And I was experiencing pressure when I was thinking about the exact resignation date. I was so anxious because I was expecting to hear that fearful date every single session with my psychologist. Twice a week, that is. I was preoccupied for the full 100%. And a few weeks ago, they told me I could determine my resignation date on my own. Sounds scary, doesn’t it? Now that the pressure has become a lot less, there comes stress around the corner. When do I want to leave? A dilemma, that is. But you figured that out already, didn’t you? As in: Tomorrow? Next month? When I’m ready? Definitely when I’m ready. But when am I ready? Who else than me, myself and I can pinpoint that exact date? And yes, that process goes gradually. And yes, there will always be ups and downs, as there will always be therapy and those damned pills. But can I count on my own perception? All these questions overtake my stress level. Yes, there we go again: stress. How can I possibly cope with my stress level if I don’t have a clue how it works and where to begin? I can feel it rising in my body, from my toes to the top of my head. That’s all I can feel. How do people deal with stress? And what’s the sense of stress? Because, if everything in life has a purpose, then what’s the sense of stress? Honestly, I can’t possibly think about it in a positive sense. Maybe stress can be a kind of motivation to stimulate you to persevere even in the most stressful situations. Hey, wait a minute, did I observe a paradox there? Stress that helps you when you’re stressed? It can’t possibly be true. Somehow, however, there seems to be an advantage. Some people can only work under pressure/stress. Then they’re at their best and can fabricate the most horrifically genial essays. I’m obviously not one of those people. I need time, otherwise, stress will take it all over and will spoil the good result I could have reached in other circumstances. Now obviously in my case, stress isn’t the answer to stress or stressful situations or circumstances. I can name a few other cases in which stress doesn’t help you. Even worse and completely the opposite: stress brings on bad repercussions. What do you think about people who have to hurry – read: who are living with too much stress at work and/or at home – and who cause a fatal accident? Or else and even worse: people who are living under so much pressure that they aren’t able anymore to make a distinction between right and wrong and commit a crime or commit suicide, just because there was too much stress: family life as in being a good mom or dad, an exigent job, piles of homework, you name it. 

“Stress sucks” was the title I couldn’t invent myself. One of the nurses of the clinic I reside for the moment suggested the title with a lot of humour. Well, it’s probably a good summary of what most people think, exactly because they experience stress on a daily basis and can’t handle it in an adequate way – count myself in. They don’t consider the weight of stress, which I actually do. Don’t underestimate the power of stress! Ask any retired man or woman about stress and they will probably tell you stories about the good old times when they were still working hard and when they could still cope with stress – that is, if stress existed at all - not like now, when employees go from burn-out to burn-out because they are not tough enough to exercise their position at work. 

Stress is one of the most lethal diseases of the 21^st century, let’s face it. What we can do about it, however, remains in the twilight zone of science. You cannot possibly find one – or more, for that matter – cure or wonder pills which can solve the stress problem. It’s all about your own strength. In what kind of family were you born? How did you grow up? What difficulties did you encounter while growing up? Every person goes through different phases in life and every person chooses his own way in every phase, sometimes out of force, sometimes voluntarily. Stress hasn’t brought me but exhaustion and unhappiness. I don’t seem to benefit from stress, but of course, every person brings on a different case.

If stress really sucks, that’s up to you to decide. In my case, it’s something that normally spoils my results, just because I give it too much importance and too much space. I wish it were different, but these are the raw facts, at least, when it boils down to me.

Going back to university

Or so it feels... I know I've been out of sight for quite a long time, but here I am, back again, rising up out of the ashes like a phoenix. I'm still admitted to the psychiatric clinic in the Hague, but the time will come that I'll be able to tell you that I'll be dismissed between now and a couple of weeks/months, give or take a few. I'm doing the best I can, working hard in the different therapies. I even convinced the team of nurses to go running with me three times a week! Ha, who is het one enjoying this kind of therapy the most: me, the lousy patient, or them, the well-paid nurses who can go for a run during their working hours?

This clinic is called (in English) the "Centre for Intensive Treatment". However, the treatment wasn't so "intensive" and people got themselves complaining. Complaining about nearly everything: the food, the nurses, the therapies that were not intensive enough... you name it. So the staff took this quite literally when it came to the therapies and decided to make the programme more intensive. It wasn't me! The result is a folder with all kinds of schemes and pages to fill in about different aspects of our therapies. I already get tired by only looking at the pages in the folder! I mean, there seems to be no time left for leisure activities or to receive visitors, nor for taking some time to rest during the day.

It feels like yesterday that I started university. Why? Well, tomorrow we get this new therapy programme. Intensive, yes it is, oh yes sir! On the verge of going to university for the first day, I felt nearly as nervous as I'm feeling right now. See, it's not just some programme, no. We can receive points for good behaviour and something that we're not allowed to call punishment for bad behaviour. Maybe this sounds somehow as kindergarten, but as I can't remember anything from kindergarten and as this feeling I'm experiencing right now is leaning against a wall of emotions of fear and incertainty, I'm completely into this feeling of going to university for the first time. 

Folder: check. Pencils: check. To do list: check. I think I'm ready to go. Only thing is that the entire ward will be woken at 7.15 AM, while at first that was 8.15. Auch, that will hurt for most of us, myself included. That's exactly the reason why I'll finish this post and head to bed. Sleep tight, my blogger friends!