As you grow up, you get used to things that seemed to be fantastic when you were still a toddler. You used to have this formidable imagination which made you believe there exist such things as dwarfs, fairies or even monsters in your closet - or, in my case, under my bed. You don't really know anything that lies in between beautiful and ugly, interesting and extremely boring. It's all black or white, there's nothing in between, and you still haven't heard a word about relativizing. And by the way, why would you? You're still young, wild and unpredictable, as you should!
Somehow, though, some things might change - even quite a lot - while you don't really get used to it. No, I'm not referring to my fading belief in dwarfs, fairies and monsters. I'm actually referring to the way in which the perspective of some things changes. I don't like it, but well, it happens every now and then, and I'd better get used to it. I've fought a considerable amount of years to find the grey zone in between the black and white extremes. It hasn't been easy, and I'm still not entirely sure if I've achieved that goal, although I can compare myself against some friends and family members and see that there actually IS a difference!
However, being in my thirties, I experience that things can change dramatically and that I don't get used to it. Like the thing I have with seeing faces in the clouds. When I was a child, and even still in my teens, I used to see those incredibly detailed dwarf faces in the clouds. I don't know if there's any reliable connection between me believing in dwarfs and seeing dwarf faces in the clouds, but to be honest, I don't think so. There has to be another reason. Still, it could also be animal faces, beautiful and extremely detailed animal faces, especially monkeys and sharp-toothed crocodiles - don't know why, but it's a fact.
Lately, however, when I lift my eyes up to the sky, all the clouds turn in extremely uncanny faces: faces of the dead, it seems, with big, hollow eyes, staring at me, their mouths in a twitch, as if they are screaming. I don't know what's happened to the rich beauty of the imagination I once had, but obviously, it's gone, completely and irrevocably gone. And it seems there's nothing I can do about it. I used to think that it would just be like that because I got confronted with death in a number of occasions during the past year. Sometimes, death was close, in other cases, death just happened. Anyway, I'm kind of worried about it, but I don't know if I should be. I may see this as a bad sign, but I thought I once promised to suppress superstition, so I'd better do something about it. In the meantime, I hardly dare to look up at the sky, because no matter how many clouds I see, the faces of the dead always come back at me. And they get at me, and there's nothing I can do about it. Or so it feels...
Remember those times in which I had thesis issues? Remember those times in which I stated that my thesis was actually cursed? Well, as for today, I can officially announce that I've finally nailed the bitch! Ouch, pardon my French, of course I mean that I've finally finished it. However, this one here is so happy she can't control her language. Nor can she control her thirst for knowledge, because this end of my career as a student doesn't necessarily mean that I'll stop studying. Hell no!
This afternoon I received the liberating e-mail that meant a whole lot to me: The final verdict: an 8.7 for my MA thesis! I know how much I've worked during the past two years, I know the amount of blood, sweat and tears that have been shed... I alone. I think I've actually deserved the recognition I've been fighting for for years. In the past, there were these people who claimed that I'd never get anywhere in life. And look now, Debz graduates Cum Laude! However, I couldn't have done it without some people from Leiden University. I won't name them, but... you know who you are (if you should ever read this post...)
I dedicated this thesis to my grandma, the one I wrote about in this post (among others). She definitely deserved it! She's such a sweetie, still in the hospital, but never complaining, always optimistic... Incredible! I want to be like her when - and if! - I get old...
So this means the end of an era, and although I'm relieved I'll finally get that diploma, it also makes me kind of sad. I don't want to belong to that category of full-grown adults that have a job from 9 till 5. I really loved to belong to that category of students, because it's nice to be busy all day long, and not only between 9 and 5. I'm actually having quite a hard time already to fill up my days with useful activities. Well, as for now, I have at least one task every day because my mom's undergone neurosurgery and she's not able to do it. Someone has to do the housekeeping, so this one over here was quite an easy volunteer. I'm happy I'm able to help my mom, because usually she's the one doing all kinds of things for me: cooking, washing-up, ironing... Now I can finally do something back for her. Or how your world can be turned upside-down from one day to the next...
So I've been thinking... What the heck can I do to turn a regular day into something that turns out to be productive? Until now, I've read a lot, because - let's just face it - after all those years of studying (9 years at University, let alone all that came before that time) I'd really deserved some kind of holiday. Luckily the weather here in Belgium is pretty good, so I could enjoy the sun in our garden while reading the third book of the Beautiful creatures quadrilogy - which is pretty exciting in my humble opinion.
So, just for the record, I'm not a student anymore. Quite the contrary. Soon I'll belong to that category of people that have a job and are even more busy than a student. I'll be suffering from stress, chronical fatigue and lack of free time. I'll be wondering why for God's sake I've finished my studies and why I didn't travel around the world before I accepted the job. That is, when I have a job. However, as I mentioned before, Debz won't ignore the health of her mind. No, she'll be studying a little bit on a daily basis. There's still a lot of improvement possible when it comes to Brazilian Portuguese and French, and I've been thinking about picking up Japanese...
We'll see what happens next. Let's find a well-paid, steady job first. That's my main priortiy at the moment. So keep your fingers crossed, people! :)
It seems as if I'm going through a new phase in my life. No, it's not about being 30 and thus having a kind of midlife crisis, but it's all about the alarming amount of hospital visits I have on my tailored Oyster card.
It all started a month ago, when my grandma had to undergo an emergency surgery. She was in a coma for five days and on the ICU for two and a half weeks, and now she's getting better, albeit slowly and with careful baby steps. Either way, I prefer that, because then the chances that she'll recover completely are a lot bigger. My grandma has been in the hospital for more than a month now, and she's regained some of her strength, but I'm still a little bit suspicious when it comes to complete recovery. She's lost about 20 pounds - and that's a rough guess - and she has aged quite a lot. However, I support her as much as I can by visiting her on a daily basis. Until today, because today my tailored Oyster card led me to another place.
Today, my mom, had to undergo a complicated back surgery. We had to be in the hospital at 7 AM, which meant madrugar (Spanish word for getting up very, very early - beautiful, isn't it? I mean, the word of course, not exactly the action itself...) because the hospital, which has a renowned specialist for this kind of operations, requires a 40 minute drive from my home town, so I woke up at 5.30 AM and got up a quarter of an hour later. Normally I'm not that kind of person and I easily get headaches after getting up so early, but until now, I've been fine, just fine :) My mom, on the other hand, is a little bit worse, because she's in a lot of pain. Right now, she's asleep, which is better, but when she's awake, she's in terrible pain. I hope they can do something about it!
Either way, I don't really like my tailored Oyster card. I'd rather get the usual one, so I can visit London one day - finally! However, at the moment, my Oyster card has been reprogrammed to hospitals instead of the London tube, and that's not exactly something good. I haven't visited hospitals on such a frequent basis in my entire life! And both these operations were kind of unexpected... I have been in psychiatric hospitals for an extensive period of time, but that's still different, very different indeed. A surgery is a completely different story.
So for now, people, I'm off. Please keep my mom and grandma in your thoughts. Both of them still have a long way to go. And when I say long, I mean long, very long. Keep those fingers crossed!
