What's on your mind?

Yesterday evening, I was at Delft's "The Door" church, and there pastor Osei Bobie preached a sermon with this title: "What's on your mind?" The guy has humour, oh yes he has. Never before have I laughed so much during a service. He knows how to keep the attention of his audience! I know for sure that this wouldn't be possible in a catholic church. Really, he's awesome. But he also had a serious message. He preached that our thoughts shape our emotions. And if your thoughts are bad and influenced by evil, then, consequently, your emotions will also be rather bad. That is to say, if the devil enters into your mind, he will influence your emotions and look, there you have the emotions of anger, fear, insecurity... you name it.

Sometimes you think that somebody is against you and/or doesn't love you. You just have this feeling, and you don't really have proof for this thought, but it's a thought and for you, it's real. What happens then is that you get - even if you don't ask for it - some proof for your thought, and this kind of proof enables you to see some proof for your thought, which makes the thought even stronger. The negative thought(s) get fed. But hey, this doesn't always has to be right. Sometimes it can, though.

Look at this situation. I've been home for a month after my last admission to the closed ward of the psychiatric clinic, and many times when I was in the isolation cell I got this thought: "Where is God now? I don't see Him, I don't hear Him, I don't feel Him", not knowing that it was the devil whispering this thought into my ear. He was the one wanting me to doubt God and God's presence in my life. There was even more proof for the fact that God didn't love me anymore: people from the church didn't come to visit me, only in the beginning of this 15-week admission. What I didn't know was that they did want to come to visit me, but when they called to the ward, the nurses told them it was better not to, meaning I was - once again - in the isolation cell. So they were almost as desperate as I was. Still, this was sufficient proof for me: God doesn't love me anymore. He even withdraws the people from church from my life. 

However, I was wrong. Afther the service yesterday, I talked to pastor Osei Bobie. I explained to him what had happened in the isolation room. He asked me if there were some people in my life I couldn't forgive. Indeed, I still have difficulties forgiving the people that isolated me, especially those in Belgium and especially one psychiatrist. See, the thing is, I was psychotic, yes, I heard those voices and saw those vivid images in front of my eyes, but still, I was aware of what was happening. That's the reason I fought back, that's the reason I went completely crazy and I screamed. We prayed together for forgiveness - I'd like to be able to forgive those people the same way God forgave me when I became a christian.
 

I stood eye to eye with the devil in the isolation cell, not knowing it was he who crossed my path. I thought it were my own thoughts, but it were the thoughts of the devil. Of course God was there with me, He was right there, on my side, and probably he was trying to comfort me. Maybe He was the one who made sure I almost always slept well in the isolation cell, with few if any exceptions. Maybe He was the one who put some people among the nurses who showed that they didn't want this, and that they really wanted to help me. Maybe He was the one who arranged so many things that made this turning back home possible. In any case, He was there, unmistakably. 

Many things are changing in my life these days. I'm doing voluntary work. I have two clients now who are adults unable to read or write. I see this as a challenge, to teach them how to read and write. Furthermore, I teach English to a Brazilian woman and Spanish to a Dutch woman. I go running three times a week, Start to Run with Evy Gruyaert, I go to the Leiden Observatory every Monday, I go to church every Sunday morning, I'm picking up karate within less than two weeks. That'll be on Wednesday evenings and later on, when I have some experience, also on Sunday evenings. So I have a busy schedule. I still have appointments with nurses and my psychiatrist, and I want to pick up individual creative therapy again. Also, I'm looking into the case of PGB (PersoonsGebonden Budget in Dutch, don't ask me how to translate this into English, but it means that you get some money from the municipality, and you use this amount of money to buy your own health care, a nurse for example with whom you go swimming or working out in the gym or just have a nice chat or... whatever, as long as you can explain to the municipality why you need it). So this will more or less be my schedule:

Monday morning: 10.30-11.30: teaching
Monday afternoon: appointment with psychiatric nurse
Monday evening: 19.30: Leiden observatory
Tuesday afternoon: 13.00-15.00: teaching
Tuesday: running, in the morning or the afternoon, depending on the weather
Wednesday morning: appointment with psychiatrist
Wednesday afternoon: 13.00-15.00: teaching
Wednesday evening: 19.15-21.15: karate
Thurday afternoon: 13.00-14.30: teaching
Thursday: running, in the morning or the afternoon, depending on the weather
Friday: FREE, time to study, read, watch TV, prepare classes if needed
Saturday: prepare classes, receive family, sometimes go to church in the evening  
Sunday morning: 11.00: Church
Sunday afternoon: running
Sunday evening: 19.15-21.15: karate

Quite busy, right? Will there be any time left to blog? ;)

 

Quattro stagioni

No, I'm not learning Italian. I think I have enough keeping up with Dutch, English, Spanish, French and Brazilian Portuguese. Still, I'm considering Catalan, as I'm a huge - as in enormous - Barça fanatic (if you didn't already know). However, I haven't found a good self-study guide for Catalan yet, so any suggestions are welcome!

No, it's just that... where's the winter? I mean, two years ago, in 2012, there was no summer, and in 2013-2014 there hasn't been an inch of snow, at least not in Belgium and the Netherlands. I especially bought those expensive Timberland waterproof boots so I could walk in the snow, and make angels in the snow, like we used to do, but... where's the snow? Where's the frost? Yes, it's cold, but more like in autumn, not like in winter. No ice-skating for the kids this year like in earlier years, when here in Leiden the canals were completely frozen and children were outside all day skating on the ice. Two years ago, we even used to have terraces on the ice, where you could enjoy your cup of coffee or tea or a hot chocolate...

A very good friend of mine - you know who you are, A. - once explained something to me about the seasons. I can't remember his theory anymore, but it was a really good one. You had something like autumn and pre-autumn and post-autumn or pre-summer, summer and post-summer. Maybe he can explain it better in a comment, because I regret I forgot the theory, especially because it sounded so good. 

It's almost spring! Here in Leiden, the crocuses are already in full bloom. There are some precious places in the parks of Leiden, I should have taken pictures. It looks more or less like this, a picture from 2012. If I have time tomorrow, I'm going to take some pictures and post them here.

In any case, I want to make proper use of this soft climate. I want to pick up running again. The start-to-run method by Evy Gruyaerts is just the best! It will help me to become fit again, because I still have plans to pick up karate. In April there's the possibility to try it out, so I'm looking forward to it. But first, become fit again. I hope the weather stays as it was today, because - I don't know how it is on the other side of the world - hello there Australia, hello there Chile, hello there Siberia! - but today was one of those days on which you have to find an excuse to be outside. I found my excuse, oh boy I did! So I went outside, yes I did! And I hope tomorrow will be as awesome as today, I hope the Lord grants us another beautiful pre-spring day. Then I'll go and make those pictures I promised you before. 

Tomorrow is also a special day in another sense. Not really for me, because I'm not a Catholic anymore, but it's Ash Wednesday. What is important, though, is that we're only 40 days away from Easter, and once I received a gift book from a friend of mine with the following title: "40 days to discovering the real you. Learning to live authentically. Companion to the 40 day soul fast." I hope I'll be able to fill in the tasks every day and to read the bible scripture every day. It would be a great achievement. 

As for now, I'm almost two weeks at home, recovering from a 15 weeks' stay at the closed ward of a psychiatric hospital. I'm writing my book (in Dutch) and I only now notice I'm already at 215 pages, so it's time to finish the story. It will have an open ending, because suppose the book sells well, I will write a sequel. Promised. I can already give away a few more things. The title will be: "Ik, Timothy. Zin en waanzin." (I, Timothy. Sense and frenzy). I will write as D.P. Mahieu, thereby using my true name. A very good friend of mine - the same from the weather theory - has been building and rebuilding my name into anagrams and pseudonyms, but eventually I decided to be as authentic as possible. Sorry for all the unnecessary work, but we had a great time and a good laugh at what you produced, A.! Allow me to reproduce a few suggestions A. made:
- Phileia Ebubumadea
- Dilma Hebbe Uupaei
- Dorina Priscilla Manta
- Dunya Perez Mendez
Well, we had a great time :) But let's keep things simple: D.P. Mahieu. I know it's a risk to give away my surname on my blog, but luckily I'm not the only Mahieu on planet Earth. Our family is quite big, in fact, so that's great.

But let me turn back to my being and my health. I'm feeling quite well. I have Intensive Home Treatment once or sometimes even twice a day, and it works. Only last Saturday I was in a crisis again. Luckily I could stay as calm as possible (what do you want, with 90 milligrams of Tranxene in your blood?!) and everything turned out well. I was on the other closed ward, and I was afraid they were going to admit me to the closed ward again, but they didn't notice any acting-out behaviour, which is what saved me. I constantly received images of me destroying the closed door. If I'd done that, I'd certainly not be writing from this place, called home, right now. Luckily, the Lord took care of it, and on Sunday I was my good old self again. I even got a surprise. A guy from the closed ward could come to church! He had received the freedom to come. I was so happy, not only for him, but it was also good to see him back! 

So people, you got yourself a little update. Off to my book now! Love you all!

Feels like home

I knew it would happen one day. I knew it for sure. Only, I wasn't sure when and if it would feel good and especially, if I would really be okay. Today, that day has come. After a long night - which was the initial intention - that took eventually 15 weeks I'm back home in my cosy student room in Leiden. And honestly, I think I've deserved it, because I'm really free now. The judge had initially decided that I had an RM ('rechterlijke machtiging', judicial authorization) until the sixth of June - a period of six months, which is standard. Of course, there was always the possibility to go home earlier, that is, if I got better and if I behaved, which I didn't always do, let's be honest. I've seen the inside of an isolation cell more than I liked. Anyway, I consider myself lucky, because there exists also a conditional RM. However, I'm completely free, they took away my RM. Isn't that a reason to celebrate?

The view from my hospital room, yesterday evening late... Last night at the closed ward!

Coming home feels good, especially good to see that Timo has almost completely recovered from his illness. He had an infection from a mite, and add the stress from my absence and you get a sick bird. Now he's happy again, talking, flying, whistling... My good old budgy is back in town, as is his momma ;)

The coming weeks won't be easy though. I'll get help from nurses who come to my place and with whom I can talk and evaluate the day. We'll also clean up this mess which was once a clean student room. It's just one of the many projects I have. As you know, I'm writing a book in Dutch, and I'm also preparing something for the nurses from the closed ward. I won't go into detail because at least one of them reads this blog regularly, so it has to remain a secret for now. 

Furthermore, it feels good to be home, a positive start. With the help from the nurses I hope I'll be able to be fully recovered within 6 weeks' time. That's the time they give me to recover. After that, I'll have to arrange things again with my psychiatric nurse and psychiatrist. I'm hoping that my temporary psychiatrist will take me seriously too. It's only for six weeks, but we still have to get to know each other and he seems very serious, in the negative sense, unfortunately. I asked him about mood stabilizers. He'll think about it, which, in my opinion, means that he won't join my ideas.

Anyway, I couldn't have done this without my Lord. He is my Shepherd, he is the One that made this possible, because if I didn't succeed in getting better in those 5 weeks, I'd have to go to a centre where they are very strict, the CIB (Centre for Intensive Treatment). And believe me, you don't want to go there... although during the intake this week, they told me some different stories so it seemed that it's less strict and threatening than I thought.

Unfortunately, with a laugh, there are always tears in my case as I'm a rapid cycle bipolar person, or so it seems. I'm really going to miss some - if not most - of the nurses. After 15 weeks of intensive treatment in a high care setting, you get to know people and they treat you with respect, they treat you as a human being, the dozens of separations not included by the way. There was this supernurse I wrote about, but unfortunately I couldn't say goodbye to him, because he's injured and was also enjoying his holidays this week. In fact, during the last weeks I noticed that he's not the only one who deserves that title. There was this one nurse I could call super dooper nurse, because we've been working a lot together during the past few weeks and it was a real cooperation. We shook hands every day, every hour, at every achievement. He'll be missed by Debz, a lot! But honestly, most of the nurses of the closed ward have taught me at least something. There was this wise guy who also has budgies - 5!! - and a dog with the same name as my teddy bear, Lotje. He has shown many different sides of himself, but I'm grateful for the good and thorough conversations we had. 

I also think that I'll have to subject myself to more therapies, serious therapies, to get to know myself better and to be able to handle my emotions in a more steady way. I'd already started Schema Therapy non-verbally with my creative therapist and I want to pick it up again after the intensive visits by the nurses are over. Now is not the time, I think, it's just too early. You see, that's where it went wrong, that's where I heard those voices for the first time again, after all these years of imagined freedom: "you're worthless, you're nothing, you're a mistake" (their words) Now I know that I do deserve a good life, and I will fight for it. I'm thinking of taking up karate, I want to do some voluntary work and I want to keep on giving private lessons. Also, I want to join the astronomy club here in Leiden. You see, a lot of plans, but now I hope I can make most of them true! Please people, pray for me, praying is a powerful tool. If you don't believe in God, so be it, but then think of me. I can certainly use the support...