As I wrote in an earlier post, I believe in God and I trust Him to be my guide during my life. Still, sometimes life can take a wrong turn. Sometimes people get ill, even those who have a strong faith. And then I ask myself, why does this happen? What have they done wrong? Why does God want to punish them? However, it doesn't work like that. God doesn't punish people. Sometimes bad things just happen so as to prepare you for good things. I can give a personal example. As most of you already know, I got in serious trouble when I was 17, when I started cutting myself. I had to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital, and it was all very troublesome. Somehow, I ended up in the Netherlands, and I needed psychiatric treatment here too. So I learnt a lot about myself and about other people, and I met quite a few people that changed my life and my way of being irrevocably. And that is good, as I'm quite happy with the life I'm living right now.
What lies ahead of us? No-one knows, except when you believe in fortune-tellers. I don't, but somehow, I'm worried about the future. As I wrote, I've been preparing my future lately. I want to finish my MA in Latin American Linguistics next semester, after that I want to do the MA which will give me the authority to be a Spanish teacher and maybe after that I want to do a special course to become a hands-on expert. I want to work as a Spanish teacher and as a hands-on expert if that's possible, both part-time. I want to marry a good guy, and maybe after a while have one or two children with him. Yes, I want to be a mom :) But not now, not yet. I want to finish my studies first, and then think of a family. However, thinking about such a future also gives me goosebumps because it can all be over from one moment to the other. I mean, what if I get cancer? Or what if I'm in a car or train accident and die? Or even worse, be handicapped for the rest of my life? What about all my precious plans then? None of them will come true... Honestly, I don't want to think about it, but these thoughts have been playing games in my mind recently. I mean, it could happen to anyone of us, and I do believe that, if God wants it to happen, it will happen. Call me pessimistic, call me whatever you want, but I've always been like this: What if this happens, what if that happens? I'm quite a doom-monger, I know.
Still, I don't believe in end-of-the-world stories. The Mayas may have been very intelligent folks, but I don't buy their predictions for 2012. It's just that I can't participate in their end of the world, because I've got too many stuff to do in 2013 and beyond ;)
I'm not only worried about my own life, but especially about the life of the people that I love: my parents and grandparents, my sister, my nieces,... What if something happens to anyone of them? What if fate cuts me lose from them? I care about my family, quite a lot actually. Without them, life wouldn't be the same. I hate to think about what will happen to them when they get older. I should be faithful, and let it be. God will one day bring me back together with the loved ones I've lost. I firmly believe that. But what with fate? What's my destiny, what's my purpose in life? What does the future have in store for me? I really want to be a teacher, but what if God has other plans for me? I'd love to find a faithful husband, but what if God wants me to stay single? I'd really want to be a mom, but what if God thinks my purpose in life lies somewhere else?
It's just that i've had many moments like this in my life before, moments in which I saw myself becoming somebody that I really wanted to be, but eventually it didn't work out. At the age of about 16, I saw myself going to university in order to study astronomy. And I did, at least, I tried, that's the main reason for me being in the Netherlands, because I wanted to study astronomy so badly, and they don't offer this program in Belgium. Anyway, as you may have figured out already, I didn't finish the program. And that's not the only opportunity in which I didn't finish something. After my BA in Latin American Studies, I decided to do a Research Master in Linguistics. I figured out I wanted to study linguistics, and that I wanted to end up as a PhD student. Unfortunately, after about 6 months, I discovered that it was not what I'd expected. I was disappointed, and feeled the urge to become a Spanish teacher. So I quit, and decided to do what I'm doing now. And now I see myself becoming a teacher, and it feels really good. It's what I want to do, and if I could, I would already be there, standing in front of a group of youngsters who want to learn Spanish. But what if, after I've finished this MA, the other MA is another disappointment, and I will once again quit without finishing...?
I really wish I could have faith in God, but I'm afraid that fate will ruin everything, for fate and faith don't go together if you ask me. If you believe in fate, you don't have enough faith in God. And I'm having severe difficulties with this aspect of faith. I give fate too much space, and I shouldn't. But that's easier said than done, if you know what I mean. I still consider myself a new-born Christian, and it takes time to trust God with your life. That much I've learnt already.
Fate is stronger than faith. I remember when I was a young man, I wrote a short poem about God finally packing his bags and leaving us forever. He was just too fed up getting blamed for every single thing that happens to us.
ReplyDeletePlease share that poem with me, Randy! You've got a good point there...
ReplyDeletePS: "When I was a young man" --> you're feeling old already? You're in your forties, for Christ's sake! :D