I feel quite bad about it, but at the same time, I keep on taking this drug, day after day after day. And even though it's prescribed, my psychiatrist wanted me to cut down my personal use, because it's actually meant to use in moments of crisis. Instead of cutting down my use, however, I'm only building it up. I have these nights in which I can't sleep, and then I immediately point a finger at the meds, at the Tranxene, to be more precise. So the next night, I take a double dose, which is still less than the prescribed maximum. So why am I making this fuss about my personal use then? Because, dear reader, all day long I'm longing to take my precious 10 mg of Tranxene, so that I can feel groggy, very groggy indeed, with the consequence that I'll have a good night's sleep, which isn't bad, right? However, the feeling of being groggy comforts me somehow. The only bad consequence is that the morning after, I still feel THIS groggy that I can't function in a normal way. It gets even worse: I wake up at about 11 AM, only to have breakfast and return to the safety of my bed for another hour, which means that I can only start studying and working on my thesis after 1 PM.
I'm worried, indeed, because this isn't the first time I got addicted to Tranxene. In Belgium they had me on an even higher dose, and a couple of years ago it also started like this, very innocently. I used to take it in times of crisis, and after the storm was over, I didn't take it anymore. I didn't notice any side-effects of this. Somehow, I got into and out of a crisis constantly for a large amount of time, so I decided I could have more of it on a daily basis. So I allowed myself to take up to 15 mg twice a day. It cost me a lot of effort to kick the habit, but thanks to my former psychiatrist, who handled this in a rude but understandable way, I could cut down the use until I didn't need it anymore. Now, for the past couple of months I've been constantly in and out of a crisis, so I allowed myself to use 5 mg on a daily basis, just to calm down a little bit in the evenings - at least, that's what I told myself. However, when those 5 mg didn't do their proper job anymore, I used to take a double dose, and I've been doing this for the past week - with the exception of yesterday - and actually on a regular basis for the past 3 months. However, Thursday evening I felt really weird. I wanted to take another extra 10 mg, whereas I was already very groggy. I just no longer wanted to go through whatever it is that I have to go through at the moment. I'd rather feel groggy and even fuzzy if I could trade this use for a good night's sleep without worries, without nightmares, just... without fear. But there's more: I'd like to use it during the day too. That's when you know something's wrong.
Now, I acknowledge I should do something about it. I talked shortly about it to my psychiatric nurses, but they didn't really respond to it. Maybe they think it's still innocent, and that I'm just worried for nothing, but I can guarantee you, this is Addiction with a capital A. Especially when the first thing you think about when you're "back on planet earth" - read: not longer under the influence - is the moment you can have another one of those precious pink pills...
I have this craving deep inside of me to take more and more Tranxene, at night as well as during the day. Still, I know I can't do that. It's just that my psychiatrist prescribes it easily, without any question, and my psychiatric nurses don't comment my cry for help when I mention I might be addicted to this drug. I know it's bad to crave more and more pills, and when people reprimand me, I know they're right, but there's a huge difference between the awareness and the moment when you finally undertake some action. I know it's no use denying my addiction, but how do I have to tackle this problem? Especially because I sleep a lot during the day, not only because of the Tranxene, but also, and notably, because of the other meds I really have to take because I need them if I don't want to get into trouble again, in the sense of psychoses and similar situations.
So it's time I said NO to my addiction, but I can't find the motivation to stop this circle of use - and abuse - of tranquilizers. Right now, for example, I'm on a dose of 10 mg. I took it at 9.30 PM and I'm finally experiencing some drowsiness. It feels good, you know, to be under the influence. The only thing is that I can't think clearly and even writing this is a complicated task because I have to read and reread what I've written, so as not to lose the essence of my story. There'll probably be a couple of mistakes in this text I normally wouldn't make, but I'm less aware of what I'm writing. I just write to write, because I have to get this off my chest. Anyway, I'm off now. I've had enough of it. I hope to find comfort in my Tranxene, and tomorrow is another day. Time and time again, I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be different, that tomorrow I'll get up earlier, that I won't go back to bed after breakfast, that I'll start studying earlier... but somehow, it doesn't work out. What I do realise is that I am the only one who can stop and change this behaviour. If only I knew how... Thank you, dear reader, for reading this confession. Maybe this'll help...
En la primera clase de literatura esta semana, Luz mencionó la diferencia entre 'convicción' y 'persuación'. Puedes estar convencido de algo, pero eso no hace caso. Persuación es algo que se siente en un nivél más intuitivo... Bueno, estoy parloteando aqui :p no te preocupes mucho ahora amiga, si a tu doctor no le parece mal tal vez no sea mal. Quizas te ayudaría compartir con él tus preocupaciones sobre este asunto?
ReplyDeleteun apapacho, jet
Mi psiquiatra todavía no sabe nada del asunto. Cree que estoy disminuyendo el uso, mientras que estoy haciendo exactamente lo opuesto... Puedo hablar con él, sí, pero sólo lo veo dentro de dos semanas. Y no tengo ganas ni motivación de escribirle un mail, porque casi nunca contesta... Esta semana veré una de mis enfermeras, podría hablar con ella. Ya veremos, pero sé la diferencia entre un uso "normal" y una adicción... Y lo que está pasando ahora se aproxima más a una adicción :(
DeleteI relate, sometimes we, BPD´s love to be mentally anesthetized, dumbed-down, we naturally long for it. The point is to do it wisely, safely. With me, alcohol is definitely a big No No, illegal drugs, including ganja, too.
ReplyDeleteVery occasionally, in a sudden fit of insomnia I allow myself a few drops of clonazepim, that keeps me slightly "phlegmatic" the next day too, but I would not want to have it in my system on frequent or daily basis.
As I grow older, (29 y.o.) I have a natural tendency to get clean of all "substances", so I stopped smoking and drinking coffee and black tea too. Lately, I am after "sugars", so the sweets and pies will go next, hopefully. :) It somehow makes me feel more healthy and at the same time stronger inside, more in control, this tendency towards ascetism.
Sex, even masturbation, is a great natural "tranquilizer", long walks in the nature, reading someting you like, when going to sleep preferably something "dry" like demanding scientific text (eg. Nihil Unbound, a great read)...
Yeah, and also, try to eliminate your time in front of the screen. TV and Internet can mess up with your mind and biorythm big time...
My goal is to forsake them almost completely, and go back to old school books and living my life "out there" in the streets, fields and woods.
Try not to allow pill take control of your life. Use it only as a last resort, when everything else fails.
For a nice sleep, try to drink a cup of St John's wort (hierba de San Juan).
Good luck.
Marten
Dear Marten,
DeleteI know, pills are far from the key to all my problems. However, it's as you state it: we, BPD's have that urge to be calm, drugged and groggy. However, I'm doing quite well concerning the Tranxene. Lately I haven't taken them during the day anymore, only on a few occasions in which I felt really too aggitated in my head. As for this week, I'm doing very well. I only take 10 mg in order to sleep. I first want to be able to live on the 10 mg for the night, and if everything goes well, I'll also try to reduce that use, first going back to 5 mg, then to 0. It'll take some time, but we'll see how everything goes.
I don't do drugs - soft nor hard - or alcohol. That's a good thing, because I see many borderliners around me that get stuck on marihuana - which is unfortunately legalized here in the Netherlands - and/or alcohol. The problems with these two are getting worse every year. Anway, I'm happy I'm not addicted to those things. In comparison with drugs and alcohol, my meds are far less bad.
So, you're a BPD'er too? How do you cope with it? Do you also notice that it gets less bad as you get older? At least, that counts for me.
Take good care of yourself, ok?
Debz
Hello again Debz,
ReplyDeletei am genuinely happy you have been managing your pills so nicely and have a real intention on giving up on them completely. I´ve always thought of them as a slippery slope, a quick fix that could so easily downspiral into a living hell of substance dependency and everything that comes with it.
Well, I believe that BPD, afterall as every other phenomenom of life, has a great spectrum or scale of its manifestatin. From what I have read, seen a heard my mood swings are not overly dramatic. With me it´s mainly about occasional societal anxiety connected to deep seeded physical insecurities about my appearance and some little, rather aesthetic disorders, like localised hyperhydrosis, peripheral acrocyanosis/very mild form of Raynaud´s (purplish skin on extremities) and overall poor resistance to cold and humid weather, and about depression. To go into details here would be unnerving, believe you me.
But since I have made many of those important lifestyle changes I´ve already wrote about, I can feel partial betterment in some of my symptoms. Also, now that I am in love, it feels as if I am healing, calming mentally to a significant degree.
I have always believed that this "BPD" is just that, three letters, a definition, and what really happens is that my mind is a mess and I just need to find out, to realize, what´s wrong, why it´s wrong and what´s the best way for me to change it. In other words, I have always tought it has rather exclusively psychological, experiential basis, and not biological, genetic, structural. But who knows to what degree and in what intriguing ways are these two constituent parts of brain interconnected?
I am trying to be on the watch for the apparent signs in my life on the basis of which I could acknowledge the fact that my problem is of a chemical basis and I thus I have to confront in an appropriate manner, i.e. by taking meds.
This newfound relationship, its evolution, may be a kind of "litmus test" that could help me to assess my feelings and reasonings more objectively.
I have been diagnosed some six years ago, but I deffo feel that my condition is more manageable as I get more mature, experienced and at ease with my special ways of coping. Well, actually, they are basically two: determinist worldview and falling in love with someone special.
Occasional running, cycling, skiing and hiking are of great help too.
OK, you take care too Debz!
:)
Dear Marten,
Deleteas I read about the way BPD is outing itself in your life, I notice that with me it has been very different. Until some 5 years ago, I was a really extreme borderliner: I cut myself regularly, I thought in extremes, black or white, I couldn't cope with small problems or annoyances, I couldn't care less about hurting other people... But somehow, God has changed that. 5 years ago, I got saved and since then, the cutting stopped, I became more aware of my way of being, I could look at other people in my life in a different way... Now I have the feeling that you're not really into religion, so I won't try to convince you, I only want to show that there has been an immense change in my way of life. I still have to take quite a lot of pills (up to 9 on a daily basis), but I have hope that one day I'll be able to cut that use down. I'm not convinced (yet) that someday I'll be free to live without any kind of meds because I've known too many backfalls when I stopped one or the other kind of medication, but I can maybe try to reduce the use, and depend on other ways of therapy to cope with the most difficult things of life. As for example creative therapy and sports indeed. I'm having creative therapy once every two weeks since a month now, and I already notice that I long for that hour, because then I can deal with my thoughts and feelings in another, more reasonable way. Just talking about it doesn't always help. Also, I try to build up my running skills again. I know that I was a lot happier two years ago, when I was able to run 5 km 3 times a week. It just gives you the runner's high, that comes quite close to a feeling of sheer happiness, and then I can maybe reduce the dose of antidepressants. At least, that's what I hope to accomplish. We'll see how that evolves. Last week, I ran 2 km, but I was dead tired afterwards, so a lot of training will be needed if I ever want to get back to the 5 km 3 times a week!
It's now very clear to me that my BPD has some very strong genetic factors. With all the fuss about my grandma, we notice that my granddad shows some very obvious signs of BPD that I somehow missed on earlier occasions. My mom is another good example. The only problem is that they're not aware of it, which is however a good thing, because, if you start thinking about it too much and if you're aware of the fact that you have BPD, it only gets more and more complicated.
Anyway, it's been a long and rough ride. BPD was diagnosed when I was 17, right now I'm 30. It gets milder every year, but occasionally, you get into a crisis and I cannot count on my family in those difficult times. They also live in Belgium, so they cannot be much of a help, but it would be nice if they'd just listen to me when I'm feeling alone and sad. Still, as I can't rely on them, I have to call one of my therapists and talk to them, and here in the Netherlands, healthcare is really really good, especially if you compare it to Belgium where they only maltreated me.
Now I'm going back to my studies. It's great talking to you, Marten. Please keep writing. If you want, I can also give you my e-mail. But if you prefer communicating via this way, that's okay for me ;)
Take good care, as I will too!
Debz