On the run

Today, I had one of those bad days on the closed ward of the psychiatric hospital where I’m residing. I didn’t have breakfast nor lunch, and I wanted so badly to go outside. The weather was beautiful, it’s Saturday, so there’s a lot going on in the city… But here I was, locked up, for the third week in a row. One of my bad habits is that I go as close to the closed door as possible, hoping for that one moment of luck. A miracle, you can say. And believe it or not, but today, I saw a green light where there used to be a red light. So tentatively, I went to that door and pushed it ajar… and it opened!

Afraid that anyone might have seen me, I started running. Although first a little bit disoriented, I could easily find my way down. What I didn’t know, and what I deeply deplore now, afterwards, is that two fellow patients saw what I did and decided to give it a go too. One of them is still missing.

Anyway, from that moment on, I was on the run. My voices told me to go straight up to the 13^th floor of the parking garage, as it seemed that nobody had noticed my disappearance. Still, I did understand them, and I wanted to jump, to get away from it all, but first and foremost, I wanted to see my little blue bird, my little Timo, before I took such an important decision. Maybe it was foolish of me to think that I could go to Timo – other part of the city – and go back to the garage without being noticed, but to Timo I went, completely against the will of my voices. Timo was so happy to see me, and even I’d had to lie my way into the building – which I didn’t like – and although I only was with him for 5 to 10 minutes, it was worth every single second and my mother heart was all his. I took him out of his cage, we talked a little bit, I ate some pudding, but then I received a phone call from a friend asking where the hell I was – I’d called her sooner – and to warn me that the police were on their way to my house and if we please could meet somewhere safe. Panic attacked me at that moment, so I put Timo back in his cage with a last kiss, and via another exit I left the building. Still no police to be seen, so that was good. I went into to city, planning to make a long walk so I wouldn’t encounter too many policemen and hoping I would get at the place my voices urged me to go to: the parking garage, floor 13.

Then things got a bit complicated. There was a lot of people on the street, because Sinterklaas (look it up on Google if you have no clue of what I’m talking about) made his entry in the city of Leiden. So the city was literally stuffed with parents and their children in a black Peter suit. Horrible! Too many people! I fled into a church and I cried and asked God for help. A friend of mine – well-trusted – came to that church too to meet. What I didn’t know was that she had a really cunning plan for me in store. She promised me we would go to Timo as she has the keys of my place. In the streets of Leiden there were an awful lot of police officers. Only later did I find out that she was waving to them behind my back so they could arrest me. Once this got clear to me, I dragged her into a narrow street and urged her to follow another route to go to my place. We were walking in a narrow street, I felt betrayed, and then all of a sudden, a policeman on bike passes by, looks at me, and seems to recognise me. So I run away – man, I could run very fast at that moment – but I was hindered by the amount of people in the other street and that policeman came by bike. He jumped on me, bike included, and I fell towards the ground. Another police officer appeared out of nothing, and they arrested me. I was dragged to their car, handcuffs too tight so it hurt a lot, and they treated me like trash. One of them even kicked me when I didn’t want to go in the car.

I was so afraid and mad and I felt betrayed by my best friend. I felt more alone than ever. Then they put me in a temporary cell. I don’t know how long I stayed there. I asked them to call my lawyer, but they said that was something for later. And then, they came in, handcuffed me again and drove me back to this clinic. Arriving there, almost the entire team came down, so I got so afraid that they would put me in the isolation cell once again, but the two police officers held a tight grip on me. I couldn’t run. They told me that I first had to talk to the psychiatrist and that only then the decision whether I had to stay in the isolation cell or not would follow. Either way, I had no choice, the police officers were still there, holding me tightly. 

It turned out that I didn’t have to stay in the isolation cell after we made a deal. The psychiatrist was still a rookie, so it was easy to say yes and amen to her. In any case, when I was back in my room on the closed ward, I couldn’t help stopping the images in my head of what had happened. The police officer jumping on me, the tight handcuffs, all the people in the street staring at me, the cell, the way they dragged me along with them… These images kept returning, all the time. The voices were furious, by the way. Had I listened to them and gone immediately to the parking garage, I could have been dead already and all would have been over. Say Amen.

I relived each and every moment – including all the emotions – from that day and it drove me crazy. So I asked for some meds, but they didn’t help. Finally, I only saw one solution. I deserved the isolation cell, as two other people had gone missing after my attempt to escape. Still, I don’t like being held responsible for things I didn’t do. Yes, I’m responsible for my escape, but not for the escape of the other two, as I didn’t force the door, it was just unlocked. That’s the nurses’ mistake, not mine. They can’t blame me for their own mistakes. Some nurses blame me for the escape of the other two too, but I don’t think that’s fair, as everyone else could have told them that door was unlocked, even if I didn’t do so.

I can only try to remember the freedom, the fresh air outside, Sinterklaas, wandering in the shopping street and, last but not least, seeing my Timo back. If I’d have the chance, I’d do it again. But maybe then I’d better listen to the voices and go immediately to the 13^th floor. Although my little budgie really needs me and I want to see him again as soon as possible. I get very emotional while writing this, so I know that I want to see him once again before I die…