Feels like Eminem

Many people don’t understand famous rappers like Eminem. They ask themselves what the hell the guy is rapping about. Well, I  do understand the man, at least, in part. I feel like he must have felt when he was about 14 years old. You see, there are some people in life who can treat you like dirt, who yell at you all the time, who cannot treat you as their equal. You’re only good for them in order to do some things for them as they like, like the household drudgery or dealing with the trash – literally and figuratively.

Now I know more or less how I developed this Borderline Personality Disorder. What’s happening at this moment - and what's been happening all my life - is that certain people in my life, people who should treat me fairly, as their equals, are treating me as dirt. They yell at me all the time and I’m only good enough to do what they don’t want to do themselves. For Christ’s sake, I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought I made the right decision, I thought I was actually doing some people a favour… but then it turns out completely the other way around…

Eminem was only good enough for cooking, cleaning and emptying the trash can, so to speak. I feel like trash. I try to do the best I can, but there’s nothing I can do right. Everything is wrong. And the worst of all is that I know that it’s not my fault. I know that it’s somebody else’s fault, and that because there are some misunderstandings between those people, I am being handled like trash. And thus this is how it feels like… I feel depressed. I'm choking. I'm not able to breathe anymore. I have to take tranquillizers in order to be able to act normal. Can you imagine? I'm drowning, drowning in this pool of trash...

As a borderliner, you already feel worth less than nothing. Even after all these years and with the whole backpack of experiences I have as a borderliner, I don't cease to be stunned by how badly people can treat me. I wish it were different, but nonetheless, I know I also have a part in this. I should stand up and speak up, but I don't dare to do that, out of fear of losing even more people. People overestimate borderliners. They think we have a big mouth. They suppose we are tough, that we don't care about anyone but ourselves and the people closest to us, but the opposite is true: we just care too much about more or less anyone in our lives. We can't let anyone go. I wish it were possible for me to let some people go, out of my life, give them less importance somehow. I've tried and I've tried and I've tried... without any result, however.

Every day is a burden, every day people trespass my borderline, but I don't undertake action. If I even try to do as little as that, I get a really, really tough couterreaction, and that's not what I want. I want to do things for other people, but not at all expenses. I know and I've learnt that I have to come up against other people to protect myself. However, to put that into practice is not an easy thing. How can you do that? I really have no clue. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but they're hurting mine all day long, day after day. I don't want to disappoint anyone, but they disappoint me all the time. I don't know what I've done wrong...