The truth lies

That's what someone said at a TED talk. However, what is the truth? The truth is what you think. Or maybe not. The truth is what people say to you. Or maybe not. The truth is what appears in the news. Or maybe not. In any case, in this specific situation, the truth was what that guy THOUGHT was the truth. For example, that he was nothing, that he was nobody, that he didn't deserve to live. And it was only later on that he discovered: the truth lies.

That man was depressed. So am I. So I kind of think in the same way like he did. I feel nothing, nobody and it's just as if I don't deserve to live. That's why I've been in the high care facility of a psychiatric hospital for nearly seven weeks. Also, I hear voices who clearly don't tell the truth. I call them demons, for I'm a christian and thus believe in demons. Every time they tell me something, it seems that they had been lying, as I discover afterwards. 

The truth - at least, what I think that is the truth - is that I will never find a job, that I'll be chronically ill and have this psychiatric illness for the rest of my life. The truth is that I will never find a boyfriend - or a man for that matter - and that I'll never have a family. The truth is that I'll only lose people around me: people who die or people who just leave me. That is the truth. The truth is that, after this admission, there will follow more admissions, until the day I die. And the truth is that I will die young. 

The truth is that I don't feel loved. It's just as I'm living in my own bubble, and that no one can penetrate that bubble to give their love and support. Therefore, I can never feel loved. I want to be loved, but it's as if I can't. The truth is that love is a very complicated thing on the one hand, because love is somehow intangible, but on the other hand it can be so easy: take someone's hand, give someone a kiss, write somebody a card, send somebody a text message... Such easy things, but o so difficult for certain people... even in my own family.

However, rumour has it that the truth lies. Still, today I received my RM. Four more months to go. If I get better earlier, I can leave the hospital, if not, four months it will be. And then the CIB. Maybe they can really help me over there so that I never ever have to be admitted again to a clinic or - in the worst-case scenario - only for a short period of time, not for weeks or even months as the past two times. But I don't want to be locked up again and again and again. That cannot be my destiny on this planet. I was born to be a teacher, goddammit. I now have 7 students waiting for me... and I'm not there. Some of them don't even know what's happening, because I feel too ashamed to tell them.

If the truth lies - and it better be so - I can still have a happy life. I can still enjoy my life. But then things will have to change drastically. And soon, real soon.