What's your fear landscape?

For those who have read the book "Divergent" by Veronica Roth, I don't have to explain what a fear landscape is. However, I think there are many others among my readers, so let me explain shortly what it is. It's a simulation where you have to go through your toughest fears. You are confronted with them, and you have to deal with them, and only when you can deal with the first one, you can go through to the second one, etc. In the book it's praiseworthy if you haven't got many fears, but for most of the initiates, it keeps being a difficult task to go through a fear landscape. 

While reading the book, I was wondering what my fear landscape would look like. What are my biggest fears? So I thought I could write a blog post about it, just to have a view.

First of all, my biggest fear is that all the people I love, and my parents in particular, will die. Of course they will die, but I mean soon, within a couple of years or even months. What's more, my biggest fear is that they will die in a car accident when they come visit me in Leiden, or from a scary disease such as cancer. My dad smokes a lot, and I'm afraid he will die of lung cancer. I'm afraid that people in particular will die, but most of all my parents. You could say I'm afraid of the deaths of all the people around me. I'm afraid that everyone around me will die and there will be no one left so that I'll be all alone. 

A second fear is that I won't be able to make it on my own and that I'll have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital once again, soon that is. It's just that I'm feeling so unstable and unsure about my mental health that I can't guarantee that it won't happen again. You see, the problem is that I feel that I'm losing the fight against my personal demons. I'm still fighting, still struggling, because I never ever give up. However, the fear to be admitted once again is real. And the fear to be put into an isolation cell is even bigger. You see, I have these moments in which I feel myself locked up again in an isolation cell. I can't explain how that feels, but I can guarantee that it isn't a nice feeling. 

Another fear I would have to face if I'd go through my personal fear landscape is the fear of fire. I'm extremely afraid of fire. When I leave my place, I'm always afraid a fire will destroy the place while I'm gone, and sometimes I'm afraid that one person in particular will cause the fire. Sounds crazy? You've got every reason to think I'm crazy, but believe me, when you see constantly images in your head in which that specific person throws a Molotovcocktail in your room so that it burns down to ashes, you get afraid. Also, a fire can happen because of short-circuiting or whatever. Accidents happen so easily, so often...

Maybe you wouldn't expect the next fear, but it is fear of myself. I don't trust myself, because I'm constantly under the influence of pills, and sometimes I have these moments in which I want to quit taking those artificial aids. I do know they help me to keep control, and I do know I need them, but can you imagine that, after 14 years of taking those stupid pills, I'm getting tired of taking them? It's a dangerous, unbalanced situation. In the past, I've done this before, unfortunately with bad consequences. However, it's learnt me that I don't have to quit taking my pills. But I get t-i-r-e-d of taking them, so freaking t-i-r-e-d... The fear is that, if I quit taking them, I will surely get a relapse and have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Also, if I don't take my pills, I become a different person, a dangerous person, because then, the world around me becomes threatening. Then I can attack people, especially when I'm under the influence of voices. So that's why I'm afraid of myself... afraid that I will lose the battle with the pills. Afraid that I will lose the battle with the cutting glass. Afraid that I will lose the battle with my (in)sanity. So afraid...

Another fear is a little bit difficult for me to explain, but it's important that I tell about it. Many among you have probably asked themselves why I'm still single. I'm 31, and I've been single for 12 years now. That's a while, isn't it? Is it because I haven't had opportunities? Oh no, there have been opportunities. Is it because I'm a lesbian maybe, and I don't want to tell anyone? Oh no, I'm straight, I'm pretty sure about that now, although I've got a past with a lesbian girl. Is it because I'm afraid? Yes, damn sure it is! And why am I afraid then? Well, let me explain it to you. I'm afraid of the sexual deeds. I've had three boyfriends, and especially the first one has abused me sexually. That's why I'm afraid to have sex. And you know how men are. They just need sex. I don't know any man or boy for that matter who doesn't need sex in a relationship. And all the people in church say that there is a man for me, somewhere, because God created humans to be together, as man and woman. However, I know what happened, and I don't want to go through that again. I truly think that my fear of having sex is the reason why my last boyfriend broke up with me. I just couldn't give it to him. I was too afraid, too tense. Maybe I should have put this fear even higher up the list, but it's something I feel ashamed of. However, it's an important thing that makes Debz Debz. It sure as hell made me feel attracted to women for a while, but I knew that was a big mistake only shortly after that, because I can't imagine myself having sex with a woman either. If I could only find a man who would contend himself with just hugging and holding hands...

Another fear is fear of heights. I truly try to gain power over this fear, but it's difficult and dazzling when I'm up high. However, at the same time, it's amazing. It gives me some sort of adrenaline rush. I can say this is a minor fear, just like fear of darkness. You wouldn't expect that from an amateur astronomer, would you? In fact, I'm quite afraid in the dark alone, especially when I'm strolling through Leiden or when I'm in an unknown place. It helps when someone is with me, but still, I'm not feeling at ease. It's because I don't see well enough in the dark, I guess. These are some minor fears, but I'd still have to face them in my fear landscape. 

That makes six fears, which is in fact few. I'm sure there are more things I'm afraid of, but I'll leave it to these six. Now I'm very interested in your fears and in your reactions to my fears, dear readers. Did you or didn't you know about my fears? I'd be glad to read your comments here :)

Feels like Eminem

Many people don’t understand famous rappers like Eminem. They ask themselves what the hell the guy is rapping about. Well, I  do understand the man, at least, in part. I feel like he must have felt when he was about 14 years old. You see, there are some people in life who can treat you like dirt, who yell at you all the time, who cannot treat you as their equal. You’re only good for them in order to do some things for them as they like, like the household drudgery or dealing with the trash – literally and figuratively.

Now I know more or less how I developed this Borderline Personality Disorder. What’s happening at this moment - and what's been happening all my life - is that certain people in my life, people who should treat me fairly, as their equals, are treating me as dirt. They yell at me all the time and I’m only good enough to do what they don’t want to do themselves. For Christ’s sake, I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought I made the right decision, I thought I was actually doing some people a favour… but then it turns out completely the other way around…

Eminem was only good enough for cooking, cleaning and emptying the trash can, so to speak. I feel like trash. I try to do the best I can, but there’s nothing I can do right. Everything is wrong. And the worst of all is that I know that it’s not my fault. I know that it’s somebody else’s fault, and that because there are some misunderstandings between those people, I am being handled like trash. And thus this is how it feels like… I feel depressed. I'm choking. I'm not able to breathe anymore. I have to take tranquillizers in order to be able to act normal. Can you imagine? I'm drowning, drowning in this pool of trash...

As a borderliner, you already feel worth less than nothing. Even after all these years and with the whole backpack of experiences I have as a borderliner, I don't cease to be stunned by how badly people can treat me. I wish it were different, but nonetheless, I know I also have a part in this. I should stand up and speak up, but I don't dare to do that, out of fear of losing even more people. People overestimate borderliners. They think we have a big mouth. They suppose we are tough, that we don't care about anyone but ourselves and the people closest to us, but the opposite is true: we just care too much about more or less anyone in our lives. We can't let anyone go. I wish it were possible for me to let some people go, out of my life, give them less importance somehow. I've tried and I've tried and I've tried... without any result, however.

Every day is a burden, every day people trespass my borderline, but I don't undertake action. If I even try to do as little as that, I get a really, really tough couterreaction, and that's not what I want. I want to do things for other people, but not at all expenses. I know and I've learnt that I have to come up against other people to protect myself. However, to put that into practice is not an easy thing. How can you do that? I really have no clue. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but they're hurting mine all day long, day after day. I don't want to disappoint anyone, but they disappoint me all the time. I don't know what I've done wrong...

Cut the crap!

Among your friends and family, there are always those people you never expect to drown in their feelings of loneliness, hopelessness or depression. Nevertheless, they do. So it happened in my family too. Today I found out that one of my favourite cousins has done a suicide attempt. The strangest thing is that I was surprised, yes, but I wasn't feeling anything else. No anger, no shame, no shock, no. It's just as if it was something normal, while she is one of our family's laughing beauties. Seems like it can really happen to anyone...

She wrote a blog post about what has really happened. I tried to reach her as fast as I could, just to chat. Luckily, there's such a thing as Facebook, because I'm far away in Holland, while she is in Belgium. Anyway, we talked, and we decided to meet when I'm back home in Belgium for the holidays, which is real soon. While reading her blog post, many feelings of recognition came to my mind. So I think that she's right. She's been lying for weeks now about her situation: "I'm looking for a job, but unfortunately I haven't been successful so far..." It's time I stopped lying too...

You know, I've been lying too, and it's time I cut the crap. Ever since I graduated last year in July, I've been wondering if I will ever find a suitable job. As you may know, I live from a social allowance because I can't work. My idea was that the social allowance was only necessary as long as I was studying, because I couldn't combine my studies with a job. I was 100% sure that after finishing my studies, I'd find a job and I'd no longer need the social allowance. However, now I'm doing some voluntary work, and it's kind of tough. Fortunately enough for me, every week, one or the other student cancels his or her lesson, so I never get the full load, but if I would, I would be teaching for about 8 hours a week. I never get that far, but it costs me a hell of an effort to be able to fulfill the few hours I do teach. 

You see, many people think that teaching is just working for two to four hours a day, and finishing early after an easy day at work. Well, I can tell you, they're completely wrong. First of all, you need to prepare your lessons very carefully. You need to calculate what you're going to do in those hours and what kind of matter you are going to deal with. Don't forget that, if you give private lessons - as I do - every single student has his or her own needs. Secondly, you have to know all the answers and you have to be able to explain everything properly, in plain English (or Dutch, or Portuguese, or...). And thirdly, you have to turn a dull piece of grammar into something diverted, to present a dull list of vocabulary into a nice exercise. Believe me, that's not easy, and that's why I always use a hand-out with nice colours, sometimes with drawings, in any case, a hand-out which has to be carefully composed. 

I think people overestimate and undervalue the job and the art of teaching, and so did I, until I came into the circuit. And yes, it got to me. So now I know that it's not easy. Now I know it requires a lot of preparation. And it still gets at me. I'm dead-tired after two or three hours of private lessons, even though it's all voluntary work. And now I will have to face it: I'll probably never ever be able to get a normal job as a teacher. Then you have to work at least 24 hours a week. I barely get half of them. I'll probably never be able to work more hours than I do now, and the advantage of the work I'm doing now is that it is all voluntary. Okay, the disadvantage is that I don't get paid, but the advantage is that if I'm feeling too tired or if I have a relapse, I can always step back, which is not quite possible if you have a stable job. 

However, all this is bothering me. My family expects great things from me. I graduated Cum Laude twice: Bachelor and Master, so the expectations are high. I should have found a job by now, because it's almost been a year since I graduated. In the beginning, I was fierce in my attempts at finding a job: I sent my CV to various employers. However, after not receiving any reactions, I quit and I subscribed to newsletters, hoping that one day, I would find my dream job. No, I'm not looking very intensively anymore, and I know why: because I'm not able to take on a full-time job, maybe even not a part-time job. It's disappointing, and it hurts. It frustrates me and it wears on me. I've been talking about it with my psychiatrist and my psychiatric nurse. They understand me, but I know for sure that my family will never, ever understand this without feeling resentment. Just because they haven't been there, just because for them it was easy, just because they don't have to rely on those awful pills.  

There is still hope, however. I've applied as a volunteer, that is to say, as a hands-on expert. Tomorrow I have my first reunion in a group in which people are working around the theme of recovery. It's good to do this, because at the moment I'm all but feeling well. I'm having small psychotic episodes and large depressive episodes. I'm in a crisis and my psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse decided to give me more tranquillizers. So now I'm back on the so-feared but at the same time so-loved Tranxene. I'm practically dependent on it, because I feel the moment coming when it's time for the next dose. I despise myself for it, but unfortunately I don't have any other options left at the moment... 

So let's cut the crap: Debz is not feeling well at all at the moment. She tends to isolate herself from her friends, because that way, they won't be able to notice something's terribly wrong. She's not going to karate, nor to the Leiden observatory. She's afraid of some people in her life, people who have humiliated her, people who have the power to make her feel like a piece of sh*t. When she's among friends, she tries to put on a brave face. She's terribly afraid she'll end up on the closed ward again, because she's not feeling well. She's depressed, she's tense, she's nervous, she's agitated, she's frustrated... everything but fine. She'd like to take a nap that would last a week, at least. Unfortunately, she has responsibilities, called "students". She's looking forward to going home, to Belgium, in the weekend, but she's extremely afraid things will run out of hand over there and that she'll be admitted to a psychiatric clinic over there, with well-known consequences.