Mid-August resolutions: the sequel

As January 1st, 2013 is approaching real fast - for real now :) - I have to do as I promised back in the summer and write about the mid-August resolutions once again, because now is the ideal moment to do so, isn't it, dear reader? In August I made some resolutions for when I got back to Leiden after the summer holidays. And now is the time to look back at what I wrote in August and see if I have accomplished something...

First of all, I thought it was high time to get back in shape. I wanted to pick up riding the bicycle with the "Start to bike" program. And actually I did, but after six weeks I gave up, even though I got that far, just because it seemed that riding the bike is actually quite depressing and dull, especially at the gym. Running offers me a far bigger challenge, so I've decided that, when I get back to the Netherlands - for I'm spending the Christmas holidays with my parents in Belgium - I want to pick up running again, just because that's where my heart goes out to. And even though I've gained about 10 pounds - far foo much, I admit - I want to get back in shape, especially to get rid of those few extra pounds. I actually wanted to pick up running outside again here in Belgium, but it's been raining for weeks now and I haven't found the courage to go outside and go for a run, especially because I've been ill and chances are big that I'll be ill once again if I go out there in the pouring rain. Anyway, once I'm back in Leiden, I can go to the gym and do my running practice on the treadmill, no matter what the weather's like. I hope I can persevere this time, it would be nice to run my my precious five kilometres outside again when spring comes round the corner, wouldn't it?

The second point on my to do-list was a quite peculiar one, because it's been worrying me for years. Somehow, I was able to get up at 9AM for about o month, but the meds were still bothering me brutely, and after a while, I lost the necessary discipline, and recently I haven't got up earlier than 11AM, so that's the same old story again. After an inspiring chat with my ex-psychiatrist however, I felt encouraged to wake up at about 9.30AM, have breakfast and take a shower, initially a hot shower, but after that an ice-cold one that lasted for about 30 to 60 seconds. I've done this for a few weeks, although not every day, but it worked. And to get rid of the winter depression I was suffering from, I'd bought myself a light therapy lamp. However, no effect was really noticed, even after a few sessions. I only got terrible headaches, so I quit. Now my resolution for 2013 is to wake up at 9.30AM at the latest, and to go to bed at midnight. Nine and a half hours of sleep should be sufficient, although I know that the meds will still bother me. That's why I've decided I want to take quite a big risk by reducing the amount of meds I'm taking. However, it's not that simple, and chances exist that it goes all wrong again. But if I want to get back to o more or less normal rhythm, I'll have to do something. So that's the reason why I'm going to reduce the amount of anti-psychotics I'm taking, but slowly this time, very slowly indeed. Keep your fingers crossed and let's hope that everything will turn out to be just fine.

I also wanted to read more, and somehow I managed to do so. I haven't read a lot in French or Portuguese, but I read quite a lot in English. Right now, I'm reading the Inheritance cycle by Paolini, and before that I read quite a lot of books by Paulo Coelho, although not the entire collection yet. Still, there is some room for improvement, and if all goes well, I want to increase the amount of time I spend reading, especially in foreign languages other than English. 

The next resolution is the only one I'm proud to announce. I wanted to improve the foreign languages I speak and I've done so! I did an extra French course, and although I also wanted to do an English course, I couldn't for it didn't go through because there were too few people willing to do the course. So I applied once again for next semester, and we'll see. However, if the English course is cancelled once again, I'll take up a French course, to reach an even higher level. I got an excellent grade for the French course, and maybe I'll do the official exam in June. However, also here there is room for improvement, and I've bought a few extra books recently. I try to study some French vocabulary every day. Furthermore, I can also announce that I'll certainly do an extra Brazilian Portuguese course, maybe even two, depending on the amount of time I have because I still have to finish my MA thesis. If there were more time, I'd do the three of them: French, English ánd Portuguese. However, time is sparse, so I'll have to choose. However, I've recently ordered a few books to study and improve my Portuguese and till now, everything goes well. I've studied quite a lot already, it's such a nice and beautiful language to study! 

Then comes the last resolution I made in August, and I'm sorry to disappoint you all, for I haven't invested more time in astronomy, unfortunately. I don't think it'll be possible on the short term, because there's a lot to do: studying languages, finishing my MA thesis and investing more time in God and the church, because that's a new resolution I want to add at this very moment. I read the Bible on a daily basis and go to church on Sunday, sometimes even twice. I also want to try to go to Wednesday evening's bible studies. I already went twice and it was indeed interesting: I enjoyed the evening, the topics and the people. 

The new year is approaching day by day, minute by minute, and I thought it's good to have a sharp look at my mid-August resolutions to see what's happened so far (and what hasn't). As you've probably noticed, not a lot has improved (with a few exceptions), so I'll still have something to do when 2013 comes round the corner. The thing that worries me the most is my rhythm. I really, really want to set things straight when it comes to that, but I still have my meds, bothering me as the plague. It's unrealistic to think that one day I'll be able to live without them, so we somehow have to manage to live with each other, even though it's not easy or evident. I also want to put God on a higher place. I'd like to put Him on the first place, but I just know my limitations and although I'd like to, I know I won't be able to do so. So let's keep it on a "higher" place, we'll see what we can do. 


Then there's nothing left to write about, because this was the last post of 2012, a beautiful year in many respects, and a less beautiful year in a few respects. On the whole, however, it's been good. Dear reader, I hereby want to wish you a very happy 2013, and I hope it'll bring you joy and luck, even though 13 is not especially a lucky number ;) But let's not go there, we promised each other to stop being superstitious, right?

The beginning of the world

It's Friday evening, 12.21.2012, 7.53 PM CET and we're still online, people! This could be called a little miracle, because the world was about to end, today at 11.11 AM, local time. Somehow, we're still alive and kicking, although my father, when he came back from work, announced that some people have changed their minds and claimed that the world has a new opportunity to come to an end, which is tonight, at 9.25 PM. That means that we still have roughly one and a half hours to finish this post :)

I was quite confident about the Mayan calendar and its significance although, to be honest, I was glad that I was with my family in Belgium, and not all alone in the Netherlands. You never know, right? Still, I shouldn't have been worried at all, because as a christian I believe that the end of the world will only be near when - and if - God decides it. And I assume that God has other plans with this world - at least for now - so I'd like to interpret this special moment in time just as the descendants of the true Mayas: as a new beginning, for us and for our planet. A moment to start defending our planet and global human rights, a moment to start caring about each other instead of disdaining each other and being jealous because "the others" possess the things we'll probably never get (and who cares about material things anyway?)... 

I've had quite a good laugh when I heard about the Dutch guy that ordered a Russian submarine that he kept in his garden, just to be sure that he would survive the coming floods. However, the number one of all top stories of surviving the supposed end of the world was the story about the Bugarach mountain in France, out of which a UFO would arise which would comprise about 125,000 "earth-people". It turned out that there were actually more journalists on the mountain than so-called "earth-people" who were willing to travel with the aliens to another world. 

Different scenarios about the end of the world were created during the past months or even years. And all this fuss because of the Maya calendar that ends today. Of course, we've known about this date for years, and a few scenarios were even not too far-fetched. The theory about another planet, named Nibiru, that could collide with the Earth was even quite plausible, especially if you'd know how many asteroids there are out there in space... However, none of those poses a serious threat for the Earth at this moment, scientists have spotted them all and many telescopes worldwide keep an eye on those that sometimes cross the Earth's orbit.  

But let's turn back to the purpose of this post. Why not take this moment as a brand-new start for us and our planet, and especially for the relationship that exists between the two of us? How long have we, human beings, been destroying our planet stone by stone, tree by tree? How much longer can we go on using the Earth's resources without having to deal with the consequences of our uncontrolled behaviour? Isn't it time we turned to cleaner ways of consuming energy? I'm not much of a tree-hugging person myself, but I try to turn to accepted ecological methods whenever I can, although there is certainly room for improvement. 

Meanwhile, the clock has struck 10.30 PM and we're still here, broadcasting live from the city of Waregem, Belgium. Seems like all those believers were wrong after all ;) 

Anyway, it's also time we thought about defending human rights, as I wrote earlier in this post. I think every child on this planet, whether (s)he is born in Japan, Canada, Zimbabwe or the Netherlands, should have the right to go to school and to be a child. As I experience now with my two wonderful nieces, time flies and they grow relentlessly fast. That's why we should give them the time and the opportunities to be a child, and one of the characteristics of a child is that it needs to learn loads of things. Also, every human being on this planet has the right to be fed. I have to be honest, I have too many opportunities when it comes to food. I don't only have access to different kinds of bread and soft drinks, but I also have ice cream in the freezer and chocolate bars in my secret drawer. I go to the market twice a week to regale myself on delicious fruit. The latter aren't responsible for my overweight, but the former probably are. Anyway, it's ridiculous if you think how many people on this planet don't have half a loaf of bread to eat on a daily basis, including many children. I should be ashamed of myself, especially when it comes to the "emotional eating": I sometimes crave sweets and chocolate, especially when I feel depressed. Then nothing is safe, I'll eat it all, whereas many people in the southern hemisphere have no clue as to what sweets are. 

It's time that we changed our way of living, but I do plead guilty myself too. I'm too spoilt with all the luxuries I have, and I'm thankful to God for all the things he has provided.

It's getting late, I should get some sleep. It's been midnight, we are already the 22th of December and nothing has happened, so I suppose tomorrow will just be another day of thesis writing, family visits and Christmas shopping... 

The unloved

Am I one of the unloved? Sometimes, that's what I think and feel, while on the other hand I also know that there really are quite a lot of people who do love me, or at least, truly like me and are true friends. But when you realise that members of your family that should be close to you make you feel part of the unloved, then that hurts. 

It's almost Christmas, and I will spend the holidays in Belgium, with my family. I know that I am one of the lucky ones, because I realise that not everybody has the opportunity - and the luck! - to spend the holidays amongst their loved ones. Not everybody will be able to have a seat at a festively decorated table, to unpack a beautifully wrapped present or to give your loved ones a big hug when the clock strikes 12 on New Year's Eve. I'm not only talking about the homeless or about people who are ill and have to spend Christmas alone in a hospital or other institution, but I'm also and specifically referring to people very close to me (you know who you are).    

I acknowledge that you cannot choose your own family, but somehow I can't believe that God puts you purposefully in a family that doesn't love you. Frankly, I know that my mom and dad truly love me and that their love is unconditional. Although they can't express themselves by telling me literally that they love me and that they're proud of me - words I'd happily hear coming out of their mouths one day - they provide me with all the help and care that I need, even though I live far away from home and I'm actually at an age at which I should be able to deal with my own problems properly. I know they'd go to great heights to help me if they could, but some problems can't be solved by other people than by me, myself and I.

My mom and dad, I'm truly thankful for them!

However, it's not all roses there when I think about the upcoming holidays. It's just that I don't feel loved by all of my family members - nor is it my aim to be loved by each and every one of them, don't get me wrong - but I feel pretty much unloved by more than one person, and it's tough to admit that especially one of the family members I care a lot about actually destroys the holiday mood I'm in, because her behaviour has changed so much in such a short period of time. Whereas we were never as close as I'd have loved to when I was younger, she was one of the few people that seemed to care about me when I got admitted to the psychiatric clinic, 12 years ago. She came to visit me regularly, while she had a job and her own problems to deal with. Although her behaviour changed a little when I was coming and going from one psychiatric hospital to the other, I saw her as an ally, as someone I could trust on. And when I moved to the Netherlands, I noticed that our bond grew even stronger, and I was happy and thankful for that. Also, some changes in her life strengthened our ever-improving relationship. But then the probably inevitable happened: because of some other person that we both know, her attitude towards me changed dramatically, not even that long ago. I wrote about her behaviour in an earlier post. She probably had to choose between that person and me, I honestly think that that person forced her to choose, although you might think this idea is more or less ridiculous. It IS ridiculous, of course, but I'm afraid it is happening right here, right now: manipulation and forced choice.

I know that it's impossible to be loved by the entire world, but imagine how nice and awesome that would be! Now, though, I feel quite the opposite. I belong to the category of the unloved. I don't have a husband, I don't have children... I do have friends, but, as always, I'm so afraid to lose them. You see, the thing with borderline is that friendschips are quite complex things to deal with, just because it's extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship. And I know that my friends love me, but still it's as if I belong to the group of people that is part of the unloved. I haven't got anything special to offer, no special talents, nothing really... I feel rejected by society because I'm a psychiatric patient, because I can't function normally and will maybe never function in a normal way. Still, not only society rejects psychiatric patients. I've lost quite a lof of friends because of my illness, and within my family I'm not particularly the most popular person, precisely because of my mental health problems.

I realise that, after having read this post, some people, friends and/or family, will tell me that they do love me, and will maybe feel slightly offended because I claim to be one of the unloved. However, whatever they say, I'll still feel as being part of the unloved. It's the same with the feeling of being alone: it's always there, lurking in the shadows, and it frightens you, because you know it's in fact part of the work of the devil. He wants you to feel worthless, lonely and unloved, whereas God wants us to know that we are loved, not only by Him, but also by our christian brothers and sisters. 

As you may have read in an earlier post, I have never been very popular at school either. I've always been bullied because I got high grades. So here counts the same: rejected by all those fellow students and unloved, so unloved. Instead of being loved, I was laughed at, ridiculed, bullied. In fact, it's not that strange that I've developed this feeling of being unloved...

 The strange thing is that being unloved doesn't make it more difficult to love somebody else, at least, that counts for me. However, it's annoying to feel unloved by everybody, especiall by the one person I wrote about in this post, for she is/was very special to me, but all my efforts to strenghten our bond right now haven't had any effect. It goes even that far that I'm almost giving up. Why would I invest time or effort in her if she criticises my every single movement, if she hardly directs her words and gaze at me, if she blackmails me behind my back? Is that worth it? 

Lord, please give me the strength to deal with this situation. Amen.