Dead before I die

A couple of months ago I had a conversation with Randy - my English teacher - about death. At that moment I was extremely suicidal, so the idea of death was quite - if not very - appealing to me. That's why I couldn't understand why the idea of death scared Randy, who had serious health problems at that point in time, to death. I claimed that I wasn't afraid to die, quite the contrary in fact. (Ok, I have to admit that that is quite the idea of being suicidal, of course...)

Now, however, I think differently. I'm not yet scared to die, but the idea is by far not that appealing anymore. Somehow, I've seen the light and I want to stay on this planet Earth for a few more years or even decades. I want to see my nieces grow up, I want to finish my studies, I want to find a decent job - preferably as a Spanish teacher - I want to find my Prince Charming and maybe, who knows, see my own child(ren) grow up... But let's not think too far ahead and start with today and maybe also tomorrow. 

If I have to die, then I want to be dead before I die. Sounds strange maybe, but it's in fact very logical. I want to die without knowing that I'm dying. I want it to be over at once, without my ever being conscious of the fact that I'm dying. That's what most people want, I suppose. It's just that quite recently I've seen my loved ones die - R.I.P. mémé Paula and uncle Raphael - and that hurts. I don't know if you've ever been through that process, but I can assure you that it's absolutely NOT what you want. On the other hand, if you go through that process, you can say goodbye more easily, because you've seen it coming. So, let me be just a little bit selfish and absolutely honest: I want to have the opportunity to say goodbye in advance to my loved ones, but if I have to die, if my time has come, I want it to be over at once. Maybe I'll change my mind once again, I don't know...

Yes people, sadly enough and while I'm almost melting from the heat up here in my small room on the fifth floor, I'm thinking about something so cold and distant as death. That's because, even though I don't like it, my grandparents' health - my mom's parents, the only ones still alive - is deteriorating rapidly. Ok, they're not that young anymore, although I consider an age of 80 and 76 (for my grandfather and grandmother respectively) not extremely old, just a tiny little bit old. I love them with all my heart, and it hurts if you notice that their health gets worse every time you visit them. I think it's quite normal that we want to keep them with us as long as we can. Until about a year ago, they were just fine. They had their aches every once in a while, but they were a lot better than the last time I saw them, that is last Sunday, now almost a week ago. It's with fear in my heart that I go to bed at night and with anxiety that I wake up in the morning, wondering if they're still alive. I'm even afraid to call my mom, and it scares the hell out of me if my mom calls me unexpectedly. I always think that she'll bring me the bad news. I had the same thing when my grandma - my godmother whose name I proudly wear as my second name - was ill and died in the end, now more than two years ago. But she was 89, which is old enough to let go. I could get over it more easily than I'd thought before, maybe because I'd had enough opportunities to say goodbye to her. And while it was still sad to see her go, I had a peaceful feeling in my heart. Her time had come, and she would be better off in heaven, although she didn't believe in God. But I do, so...

R.I.P. Mémé Paula

In fact, I could say that I'm a little bit obsessed with death, in the sense that I'm afraid that my loved ones will be dead from one day to the next in the near future and that I will not have told and shown them how much I love them, and that then it will be much too late. So now I try to enjoy every moment with the people - and animals - that I love, because it can be over before you expect it. I try to get the beautiful moments firmly into my mind, so as not to forget them. Sometimes I have these moments in which I think: "I should remember him/her like he/she is right now, because it's a moment of quality time that I'll (hopefully) remember long afterwards". And although I have learnt to enjoy the moments we spend together and to appreciate the fact that I get along well with my loved ones, it will still come as a shock if I hear that another person that I love has passed away. Being prepared in this sense doesn't suffice. But that's probably the course of life, and we cannot do anything but accept it, right? 

"God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference" (Francis Assisi)