Alone. That's how I feel and how I've felt lately. I know I'm not, I have friends that really mean a lot to me and who really care, but still... Something's missing in my life, I experience this whole deep inside of me, day after day. And I can't really deal with that. It's not just loneliness, it's even more. I haven't had a boyfriend in 10 years. That's right, 10 years. I admit, that tells a lot about me, and not that much about the boys in my life. I've had these boys that were quite or even really interested, but I thought it just wasn't my time yet, so I held them off. And now, I can only look back and think about what could have been.
Now I'm left all alone. Of course I have my family in Belgium, my friends here in the Netherlands, I have Chico. But I'm not happy, I feel desperately alone. Of course there is God, the sole Person that will never ever leave me alone, but somehow He feels far away at the moment. There is this emptiness deep inside of me, and I can't rejoice those beautiful moments I've had with friends, like last week's special event: my baptism. I know, it's a kind of borderline thing, that emptiness. And that makes me even more sad, because it means that I'm not yet completely free of those stupid, irrational borderline feelings.
You know, people around me already have a job, a house, one or even more kids. All of them happy families. And here I am, still studying, still struggling to be understood by my friends and family, while I'll be 30 in a few months' time. I don't have this one special person in my life, with whom I could share some beautiful moments and think about a future together. Ok, there is this one boy that I actually think I love, but there is this big problem with him or "us". In fact, more than one problem. It's as if I'm in love with him, but I don't dare to tell him. I like it when we are together, I enjoy his company and I know that he's single too. And although we've known each other for a couple of months now, it feels as if we've known each other for years. I feel at ease with him, although it's been a while since we saw each other for the last time. Second problem, he's not a christian. And that's really tough. I thought I could handle it, you know. But this one special person in my life that actually saved me ánd my pastor both told me that it's not a very wise decision were I to dedicate my life to him. You make life even more complicated if you choose to share it with an atheist. And isn't life complicated enough already? It hurts, it really does. When will God send that one special person on my path? Or will I never know true love? I think I've had true love already, though. I keep on thinking about my last boyfriend, yes, the one from 10 years ago. We'd been together for over 1.5 years when he broke up with me, and it seems that I still haven't got over him completely. I really loved him very much, and maybe I still do. But in the meantime, he has another girlfriend, and it seems that they're very happy together. And honestly, he deserves it, he's been really gentle with me, especially if you consider the disappointing and painful relationships I'd had before I met him. I think I'll always love him, even when and if I find that special man in my life.
It's just as if I'm mourning for a lost love, although I haven't found that love yet. Life and especially love are so complicated that it's just not fair. Now I have the choice to keep on writing about the unfairness of life, but that's way too borderline. I should look for a solution, something to ease this pain deep inside of me. I should start doing things, taking action so as to change my life and to convert this emptiness into something completely different. However, I honestly don't know where to start. I could have a look at the book written by Ms. Linehan, about how to cope with borderline problems. Well, that's actually exactly what I'm going to do, right here, right now.
So this is Marsha Linehan's famous book which contains the key to dealing with borderline stuff and it tells me that I have to cope with these emotions because I'm probably way too far in the so-called "emotional spirit". I have to get back to basics, i.e. take my meds, make sure I have a balanced diet, avoid drugs and alcohol, make sure that I sleep enough but at the same time not too much, go to the gym or go for a run on a daily basis and do something that gives me a good feeling at least once a day. Sounds easy, but I plead guilty. I do take my meds, and I do avoid alcohol or drugs, but I sleep too much during the day, I only go to the gym once a week, and I should also establish a normal eating pattern, which sounds fair to me, but I have some trouble staying away from too many delicious things like chocolate, sweets and the like.
This book also has a list in it, called the "scheme of pleasant things for adults". It contains 176 activities from which you can (and should) choose one on a daily basis if you're struggling with your emotions. Some of these activities are quite funny though. What do you think about these: "12. thinking that I've worked hard today", "36. wearing sexy clothes" and - the best in my humble opinion - "122. flying an aeroplane". We don't want that to happen, right ;) However, I've discovered that quite a few of these activities make my depression even worse: "6. thinking about what will happen when I've finished my studies", "73. thinking about marriage" and "137. thinking about having a family". I'm sure you can imagine why these make me even feel worse :(
So, dear reader of this blog, whether you are a loyal follower or a lonely passer-by yourself, write something that can brighten up my day, please. I beg you. I can surely use it...
hey Debz. just passing by indeed, and felt moved to write something because you have great courage to share your experiences openly. others who read this in similar circumstances will certainly feel less alone. i wish you all the best, and i will keep reading... i'd like to say "and therefore you're not alone, because we're reading", but i know it's not as simple as that... :)
ReplyDeleteHi Elly, thanks for your comment and your nice words! I hope my posts will move people indeed, and I hope other people with similar problems can get some support out of my blog. I know I'm not alone, that is, rationally, but it's kind of hard every now and then. However, I love my readers, and their comments give me the courage to go ahead, just go ahead, without thinking too much about it.
ReplyDeleteDear Debz, why should your atheist friend not be aan good lover? If you are open about your religion with him and he is open about his atheism / or religious indifference, then the two of you could be together. I have known a couple of an atheist woman and en deeply religious catholic. They lived 35 years together in respect of each others positions un til one of them died.
ReplyDeleteRuud
Hey babe, it's a shame to see you so sad! Because at least I know that beneath the sadness is a cool and caring girl! I understand that the unknown-partner-thing can make you feel the way you do, but you can't plan love unfortunately. Hey I got an idea, you should to the Wil-tactic! Just go and live with a friend and stay together forever in that house. Practical, without a lot of the relationship problems!
ReplyDeleteI think it's normal by the way that you still think of your last boyfriend. Although maybe you can look at it now with sense of old boyfriend. A nice time you shared in the past. When another boyfriend crosses your path it'll be easier of course to throw it in the "past"-jar.
But for the time being I think you made a good analysis of the situation of what to do. Maybe you can set one of the things which isn't going as you'd want as a goal, instead of all of them at once? You need a stable structure first to build on! It'll make you shine outwards also, attracting all those handsome young men!
Hang in there!
A
@Ruud: thank you very much for your comment. I know, it is possible, but then you should be lucky. In the majority of the cases, it just doesn't work out that well. For example, I want to marry the man of my life in church, while an atheist doesn't want that. Also, I want to educate my children - if I'm going to have any - with christian values. However, there are more people that suggest to me that I should at least give it a try and think about alternatives. I'll keep you up to date!
ReplyDelete@Arjen: thanks for your comment. You know, I just want to have that special someone in my life, whereas I should probably be more patient and see what the future has in store. Anyway, I also should get over that one boyfriend, but it's just not that simple. Yeah, I'd probably better tackle every problem separately. Haha, I had to laugh though at the Wil-tactic. She'll probably read this too, and yes, I could follow her example and live life happily ever after :)
Hey Debbie, I am often in this lonely place where you are and I (think I) understand how you feel. Life is lots of times not easy and kind, and when you are capable of feeling big and deep emotions, these moments can be so intensely painful and empty. I know saying that ''it will pass'' isn't helpful because it's this exact moment that hurts so much.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you that I by no means think that you are ''lagging behind'' in life, career nor family wise. I think you're a great, super strong person that I have a lot of respect for, who's pretty and kind and who just keeps on going! Contrary to popular belief (:p) it's not hard to get married and have kids, lots of people do so and often marriages crash or the kids are a hassle... Finding your significant other is a matter of chance and of time, and maybe it feels good to remember that there are tons of people walking around on this planet that could be that person... mm I'm only so young and don't have a lot of experience in these things. I hope you feel a tiny bit better by now. love to you, jet
Hi there, Jet, thanks for your kind comment! Loneliness is something that is hard to grasp. Even when I'm among a lot of people, I can feel extremely lonely... But I think you know what I mean. I'm afraid you too have experienced that loneliness already. Wishing you all the best!
ReplyDeleteHello Debz,
ReplyDeleteafter I accidently stumbled on your blog and enjoyed reading "Sola sum" let me say this:
We all have special paths in our lifes, esp. in our brains, conditioned, determined, by the genes, quality of nutrition and by every single experience and piece of information that define and make us "Us" (nature + nurture=You) . At the very basis, technically, you cannot be, feel or act any differently than you did, do and will do. I am saying this, because IMO this empirical and logical knowledge, or rather its gradual realization, contemplation a accpetation can have a profound effect on a quality of one´s well-being. (Well, it´s certainly worked for me.) It is a nice "tool" for coping with often strange, absurd or paradoxical events that happen in our everyday lives, be it on a personal or global scale. Once one realizes, or rather begins to realize (it´s a on-going process) that he/she, in effect nobody, is ultimately responsible for anything at all, all the regrets, remorse, anger, jealousy, feelings of inferiority or superiority, etc. simply start to dissipate, to gradually loose their grip on you.
It takes some time and does not work instantly and absolutely, but speaking for myself, I can definitely see a progress and benefits.
It naturally "learns" one to accept things, mainly things of the past, to accept and empathize with others, it gives one more balance and firm ground beneath feet.
Yeah, neuroplasticity is a fact, for sure, but the "plasticine" gets tougher as it ages, so one should maybe learn to accept some things about themselves and see oneself from a more detached point of view, more for what they really are, not for what others (society, media, parents, friends...) made them to think they are or should be. Let me emphasize, they are not to be blamed, that´s no the point, it is all about more realistic, cool-headed perspective.
And one more thing: life has not lose its "spell" or however one prefers to call it (if he/she prefers it at all), quite the contrary.
Hope it helps, at least a tiny bit. :)
I wish you all the best!
Marten
Dear Marten,
Deletegood to see you on my blog! Sorry for the late response, but I've been busy with exams and we have some family issues that required my attention.
Anyway, it seems as if you know what you're talking about. However, at the same time, that makes it difficult for me to follow. I've also read your other comments and I'll reply to those as well.
Anyway, things can change, be it slowly or rapidly. Things have changed quite a lot since I wrote this post, even though it's not that long ago. You can for example read in my latest post (about the Single ladies club) that I'm quite happy now that I'm a single. I've got a new badgy since three weeks, because my other one, the very beloved Chico died, and I'm not in love anymore with that boy - or any boy/man - which feals great. I just try to enjoy what I still have, while it's still possible. You see, life passes by so freakingly rapidly, it's over before you know it. My grandma for example is really ill. She has cancer and today we will know what will happen now. It's not until something like this happens that people start thinking about their own life. I turned 30 a while ago, and now I'm completely focussing on finishing my studies and finding a job, which is not an easy task.
Well, I'll now reply to your other comments. Thanks a lot for visiting me, and keep posting comments. I enjoy them!
Talk to you soon!
Hello Debz,
ReplyDeleteI am so happy for all your replies. I have been checking out for them everyday, waiting patiently, suspecting you are probably busy, but then, also, I admit, there was this little doubt in my head that I might have perplexed you somehow with my perspective, even to the point of leaving you kind of stumped. Well, as you wrote, it was "difficult for you to follow" so in a way, my feeling was partially correct, but what really matters is THAT you replied, not whehter you reacted to or were intrigued by any specifics in my point of view. Afterall, we all naturally incline to unique types of thinking and attitudes, and if the one above does not resonate with you, it is perfectly normal.
Poor Chico, he was so handsome on those pics, but at least you enjoyed some special moments together. I hope your knew flying friend will live long and healthy. And you also, while I am at it :)
I have to say that I still have not read the post about singleness (just about to change that) but I can definitely feel you there. I have been single for the past 5 years until very recently and most of the time I believed it was really enjoyable, troublefree and important phase of my life, in a sense that I had all the time in the world to think and analyse and criticise...life, world, humans, myself. So many articles, discussion boards and books I have read, so many doc´s I have watched...(I too have been unemployed, basically for whole of my life, and have defended my final thesis in 2010)...so much time on my hands. But, alas, slowly but surely I have began to slide into an attitude of passive nihilism, where I have thought that all my feelings of depression, anxiety, sometimes anger and sadness, are the only natural, true emotions a normal person can harbour in a world like like this. Moreover, this was all intensified and in a way, even caused (partially, as just one factor in the myriads of others) by the fact that I had not real hobbies (except for the thirst for knowledge, that kind of reached its zenith, emptied itself, as soon as it led me into the abbys of passive nihilism), no real interests or passions, no friends (my old time "street" druggie buddies I forsook a decade ago), no love...My family too is rather "unfunctional", stuck, communication and all respect is lost, esp. between my father and mother. As we often state with my mother (btw, we get on really well together), the DRUGS destroyed our family. Of course, it is more complex than that. But yeah, probably it is the main suspect in the gradual desintegation of our family. Technically it is "destiny", it is life itself, the universe, but psychologically, from everyday human perspective, one could pinpoint drugs as the single most detrimental factor.
But back to topic, the singleness: now I have been falling in love lately, big time, even though I have met this girl in the midst of proly my darkest times in the bowels of the "abbys" (i.e. passive nihilism). She has been so kind, nice, patient and meek, having been near me, "figthing" for someone she could see in me, fighting for our love that is full bloom now, thawing, mellowing me completely, helping me to crawl out of that horrid place, dropping down the rope on which I have climbed up back to the meadows, sun and breeze again. Unimaginable, unthinkable (to me) have become reality. Love is transforming me day by day. She is "immaculate", I have been the first boy/man to kiss her in the 27 years she lived on this planet. You see? Just this one fact makes her a treasure in this world we live in. We are so open to each other, we share our deepest thoughts and insecurieties...
(to be continued)
So the point is, I do not regret a single day of being single, as it pushed me to dig deep and hard for the "truest" possbile outlook on life, (i.e. determinism) and learned me a lot about world and myself. But now, with her in my life, I am as if born again. My mood swings are less intensive and frequent, my extreme pessimism is more balanced and, after so many years, I have some dreams, some plans and wishes again. Namely, to set up a family in the not so distant future, which is a complete opposite from where I stood on this question not so long ago. I have believed that my biggest responsibility is NOT to set up a family and in this way to safe my future progenity from potential disasters.
ReplyDeleteSo I agree with you, "things can change, be it slowly or rapidly". Not only they CAN change, they actually DO change, thankfully. That´s the beauty of this life, its unpredictability, its perpetual mystery.
I wish you so much strength, to your whole family, in these difficult times when your g.-ma is so ill. Hopefully, she will get better, but if here time is unfortunately up soon, may she pass away as peacefully as possible. We all have to face it one time or the other, so it goes.
Dear Debz, if you can, try not to worry about time flying so fast, calm down inside and work mentally on your pressures, gently, patiently. Let´s be honest, 10 years is quite some time, so many things can happen and change. And as we get older and more mature, we are more "in control", more in focus...Life will be beautiful and long, even for you and me, well, it certainly CAN be, so let´s enjoy this possibility that maybe is (even at this very moment) approaching us...
Best wishes,
Marten
PS: I will gladly reply to the rest of the topics very soon.)
Dear Marten,
Deletethanks a lot for taking the time to comment so openly and telling me about your personal life! I'm so happy for you that you've found the woman of your life, but as for me, I don't see myself marry some guy and have a family, but actually, I'm at peace with the idea already. Still, I adore to read stories like yours. Your girlfriend seems perfect to me in all respects. The fact that you're the first one to kiss her says a lot about the kind of person she is, in a positive way of course :)
I try to live my life to the fullest however, but I can assure you that thinking about the future fills me with fear. I don't know if I'll ever find a job and if I'll ever be able to work, because I have so many difficulties waking up early - because of the meds - and I can't concentrate for a long period of time. Still, I'd like to be a language teacher, but that will require an effort from my side, I do realise that. I don't know how I'm going to accomplish that, but I'll first try to find a job, and then we'll see. It's just that we're going through uncertain times when it comes to job security, even in the Netherlands, and it'll be difficult to find a job in the first place. So my singleness is a small problem in comparison with the family and studies issues.
Anyway, I wish you all the best. Keep me posted! You have a special and very fluent writing style, really. Do you own a blog too? If not, you should consider starting one. It could help you to cope with certain issues in life, if you have those, but who hasn't?
Talk to you real soon,
Debz
Dear Debz,
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry for being late with my replies. My life has been rather turbulent lately (here we go again :)), I mean those downs were terribly painful. Just when I thought it was all reatreating, it attacked back with a force of sheer brutality. Weather was a factor, deffinitely (is it with you?), but also the overabundance of "positive emotions" as these can mess up with me too. My doc told me just recently, that I have no BPD after all, rather, it is all about my character, my nature, which is very specific, extremphile, sensitive and unpredictable. Fair enough. It helped quite a lot. And also, there are no "organic changes" in my brain´s structure, just "functional something", I forgot what, but the point is, that my natural nature, hypersensitive and melancholic, which I both inherited and was sculplted for me by my life-long environment (icluding experimentation with drugs) is just ME...and I have no mental "disorder", nor any "disease" whatsover.
Lot of people with similar personalities tend to abuse illegal drugs and/or alcohol and/or tend to be creative. I am not an artistic type and I do not feel at ease when high on drugs. So there are two remaining possibilieties: either I stay clean, off meds, like until now, and thus will suffer insanely, sometimes, with the risk of destroying everything that has any residue of value in my life (esp. this newfound love) or I will go down the "meds road" (again) and see where does it lead and how do I feel on the way. The latter is actually the only possible way, I mean a living way, cause the former just leads to the "final exit", by all I can tell sooner rather than later.
It seems you chose a really nice job Debz, teaching languages you like. The feedback from the students will hopefully give you a new boost and sense of joy in life. If there should be some problems with waking up in the mornings, try to arrange the working hours with an employer. E.g., these private language schools usually teach from afternoon till night, when students come back from school and adults from their jobs.
Or you could maybe set up your own, little private language school...? After you gain some experience, confidence and know-how? Why not?
Thank you so much for thumbing up my english, it feels so good, esp. from you, such a nice blogger. No, I have never owned a blog. Also, no fb or twitter. Just mail. Maybe later I will start one. I am very spontaneous in everything.
PS: Hope your g-ma is better and your thesis will blow committee´s minds away.
Be fine and take care,
Marten
Dear Marten,
ReplyDeletedon't worry about being "late" with replies, I'm quite busy for the moment too so I'm late as well. Let me first tell you that my grandma is still in the ICU and this morning she was feeling a little bit better, but this afternoon and this evening she had terrible difficulties breathing. So it's still unsure how this will end...
Let me turn back to your life. I'm sorry you had to go through this down period again. I know how hard it is to fall back into things and habits from the past. Still, I think you don't really have a choice, and I'd recommend you to choose for the toughest road, i.e. the meds. I know from my own experience that it's not nice to have to go down that road, but once you've found your balance, life can be much more beautiful. It's a tough road, I know, but I hope you have some people over there who can and will support you, especially your girlfriend, and maybe some family members.
Weather is definitely an important factor. Here in Belgium as well in the Netherlands, May was the worst month when it comes to hours of sunshine and amount of rain in the last 200 years, can you imagine?
As for my job, I really hope to be a teacher and there's definitely the possibility to teach in the evenings. I only have to be patient now. It's been two weeks I sent my CV and motivation letter and I haven't heard anything yet. We'll see. I also have the ambition to be a hands-on expert and to work in a psychiatric ward/clinic. However, then I'll have to be strong, even stronger than I am right now, because to be confronted with borderliners every day is quite a tough challenge. Still, I believe God will lead the way, whether I'll be a language teacher or a hands-on expert or, why not, both of them.
I hope your life will be full of joy again soon. Try to enjoy your newfound love, she sounded quite important to you when you told me about her the last time.
Take good care now, and keep me up to date,
Debz
PS: About your English... it's just awesome, and in comparison with you, mine is just a few levels lower, even though I did an English level 7 course last semester... And think about starting a blog, honestly. It's good to speak your mind every once in a while, and it's nice that people can react. It really helps, believe me :)
Dear Debz,
Deleteyou kindly said no worries, but let me apologise for not not replying so long. I count you as a friend and now it might seem that I do not really care. Lately I have been off the line almost completely. I directed my attention towards revamping a little cosy flat wit my soon to be fiance :) While doing this, she unfortunately fell seriously ill and I was taking care of her.
I do love her so very much Debz. I am falling higher higher in love each new day. Sometimes my head literally spins with love and passion. Now, she is healthy again, radiant, smiling, calm and happy. Me too.
Pills work just fine. It seems I have been really lucky this time with hitting the nail right on its head with a first attempt.
I hope your gma is better, your thesis stood out and some job is just round the corner. Be patient, it will come.
You really are a bold woman, making wish to work in a ward. Incredible. Helping yourself by helping others...see how that works, I wish you all the health, luck and strenght.
Debz, I realize that this feels rather a hasty reply, but that´s how I am to be honest. Either I feel IT (anything) and do accordingly or I do not and...do not push myself. I know you understand me.
As a nice way of sayig bye for now, let me send you this magic link here. I am quite sure it will soothe your soul:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtLHiou7anE
Take care and gl Debz! :)
Dear Marten,
DeleteI was already a little bit worried about you, I thought maybe something had happened, but I don't blame you for not having replied sooner, believe me. I mean, you've been busy, which is good! I'm especially happy to read that you'll be engaged soon and that you two have found your own place to live! Yes, you are my friend, that's why I appreciate every single reply and why I know that there are always circumstances that can prevent you from replying.
Anyway, I hope your fiance is feeling better already, and that the two of you will be very happy together. You certainly deserve it! I'm also happy to read that the meds are doing their job.
My grandma is still in the hospital, but she could leave the ICU after two and a half weeks. However, my mom is also in hospital at the moment, although if everything goes well, tomorrow she can return to our home. She had a serious back surgery, and it didn't go as expected. There were some complications. For the past five weeks, there hasn't been a day that I didn't go to the hospital. Well, there were a few days, but then I was back in Holland, to discuss some thesis issues with my supervisor. I'm going back to Holland on Tuesday, only to return on Thursday already.
My thesis is going quite well, I'm nearly done. I'm waiting for the corrections of the final chapter, and I'm planning to start writing the conclusion this afternoon. Furthermore, there are some job possibilities, but I'll keep you up to date if it really goes through.
I'll watch the youtube video when I'm back home, as I'm at the hospital now. Luckily they do have Internet here, but my mom is asleep at the moment, and so are her three roommates. So I'm very quiet right now, so as not to disturb them in their sleep.
Thank you so much for your reply, and remember, I don't mind if you don't have time to reply or so. I know that you do care, you seem an honest man to me. Your girlfriend can be called lucky to have you! :)
All the best,
Debz