Mid-August resolutions: the sequel

As January 1st, 2013 is approaching real fast - for real now :) - I have to do as I promised back in the summer and write about the mid-August resolutions once again, because now is the ideal moment to do so, isn't it, dear reader? In August I made some resolutions for when I got back to Leiden after the summer holidays. And now is the time to look back at what I wrote in August and see if I have accomplished something...

First of all, I thought it was high time to get back in shape. I wanted to pick up riding the bicycle with the "Start to bike" program. And actually I did, but after six weeks I gave up, even though I got that far, just because it seemed that riding the bike is actually quite depressing and dull, especially at the gym. Running offers me a far bigger challenge, so I've decided that, when I get back to the Netherlands - for I'm spending the Christmas holidays with my parents in Belgium - I want to pick up running again, just because that's where my heart goes out to. And even though I've gained about 10 pounds - far foo much, I admit - I want to get back in shape, especially to get rid of those few extra pounds. I actually wanted to pick up running outside again here in Belgium, but it's been raining for weeks now and I haven't found the courage to go outside and go for a run, especially because I've been ill and chances are big that I'll be ill once again if I go out there in the pouring rain. Anyway, once I'm back in Leiden, I can go to the gym and do my running practice on the treadmill, no matter what the weather's like. I hope I can persevere this time, it would be nice to run my my precious five kilometres outside again when spring comes round the corner, wouldn't it?

The second point on my to do-list was a quite peculiar one, because it's been worrying me for years. Somehow, I was able to get up at 9AM for about o month, but the meds were still bothering me brutely, and after a while, I lost the necessary discipline, and recently I haven't got up earlier than 11AM, so that's the same old story again. After an inspiring chat with my ex-psychiatrist however, I felt encouraged to wake up at about 9.30AM, have breakfast and take a shower, initially a hot shower, but after that an ice-cold one that lasted for about 30 to 60 seconds. I've done this for a few weeks, although not every day, but it worked. And to get rid of the winter depression I was suffering from, I'd bought myself a light therapy lamp. However, no effect was really noticed, even after a few sessions. I only got terrible headaches, so I quit. Now my resolution for 2013 is to wake up at 9.30AM at the latest, and to go to bed at midnight. Nine and a half hours of sleep should be sufficient, although I know that the meds will still bother me. That's why I've decided I want to take quite a big risk by reducing the amount of meds I'm taking. However, it's not that simple, and chances exist that it goes all wrong again. But if I want to get back to o more or less normal rhythm, I'll have to do something. So that's the reason why I'm going to reduce the amount of anti-psychotics I'm taking, but slowly this time, very slowly indeed. Keep your fingers crossed and let's hope that everything will turn out to be just fine.

I also wanted to read more, and somehow I managed to do so. I haven't read a lot in French or Portuguese, but I read quite a lot in English. Right now, I'm reading the Inheritance cycle by Paolini, and before that I read quite a lot of books by Paulo Coelho, although not the entire collection yet. Still, there is some room for improvement, and if all goes well, I want to increase the amount of time I spend reading, especially in foreign languages other than English. 

The next resolution is the only one I'm proud to announce. I wanted to improve the foreign languages I speak and I've done so! I did an extra French course, and although I also wanted to do an English course, I couldn't for it didn't go through because there were too few people willing to do the course. So I applied once again for next semester, and we'll see. However, if the English course is cancelled once again, I'll take up a French course, to reach an even higher level. I got an excellent grade for the French course, and maybe I'll do the official exam in June. However, also here there is room for improvement, and I've bought a few extra books recently. I try to study some French vocabulary every day. Furthermore, I can also announce that I'll certainly do an extra Brazilian Portuguese course, maybe even two, depending on the amount of time I have because I still have to finish my MA thesis. If there were more time, I'd do the three of them: French, English ánd Portuguese. However, time is sparse, so I'll have to choose. However, I've recently ordered a few books to study and improve my Portuguese and till now, everything goes well. I've studied quite a lot already, it's such a nice and beautiful language to study! 

Then comes the last resolution I made in August, and I'm sorry to disappoint you all, for I haven't invested more time in astronomy, unfortunately. I don't think it'll be possible on the short term, because there's a lot to do: studying languages, finishing my MA thesis and investing more time in God and the church, because that's a new resolution I want to add at this very moment. I read the Bible on a daily basis and go to church on Sunday, sometimes even twice. I also want to try to go to Wednesday evening's bible studies. I already went twice and it was indeed interesting: I enjoyed the evening, the topics and the people. 

The new year is approaching day by day, minute by minute, and I thought it's good to have a sharp look at my mid-August resolutions to see what's happened so far (and what hasn't). As you've probably noticed, not a lot has improved (with a few exceptions), so I'll still have something to do when 2013 comes round the corner. The thing that worries me the most is my rhythm. I really, really want to set things straight when it comes to that, but I still have my meds, bothering me as the plague. It's unrealistic to think that one day I'll be able to live without them, so we somehow have to manage to live with each other, even though it's not easy or evident. I also want to put God on a higher place. I'd like to put Him on the first place, but I just know my limitations and although I'd like to, I know I won't be able to do so. So let's keep it on a "higher" place, we'll see what we can do. 


Then there's nothing left to write about, because this was the last post of 2012, a beautiful year in many respects, and a less beautiful year in a few respects. On the whole, however, it's been good. Dear reader, I hereby want to wish you a very happy 2013, and I hope it'll bring you joy and luck, even though 13 is not especially a lucky number ;) But let's not go there, we promised each other to stop being superstitious, right?

The beginning of the world

It's Friday evening, 12.21.2012, 7.53 PM CET and we're still online, people! This could be called a little miracle, because the world was about to end, today at 11.11 AM, local time. Somehow, we're still alive and kicking, although my father, when he came back from work, announced that some people have changed their minds and claimed that the world has a new opportunity to come to an end, which is tonight, at 9.25 PM. That means that we still have roughly one and a half hours to finish this post :)

I was quite confident about the Mayan calendar and its significance although, to be honest, I was glad that I was with my family in Belgium, and not all alone in the Netherlands. You never know, right? Still, I shouldn't have been worried at all, because as a christian I believe that the end of the world will only be near when - and if - God decides it. And I assume that God has other plans with this world - at least for now - so I'd like to interpret this special moment in time just as the descendants of the true Mayas: as a new beginning, for us and for our planet. A moment to start defending our planet and global human rights, a moment to start caring about each other instead of disdaining each other and being jealous because "the others" possess the things we'll probably never get (and who cares about material things anyway?)... 

I've had quite a good laugh when I heard about the Dutch guy that ordered a Russian submarine that he kept in his garden, just to be sure that he would survive the coming floods. However, the number one of all top stories of surviving the supposed end of the world was the story about the Bugarach mountain in France, out of which a UFO would arise which would comprise about 125,000 "earth-people". It turned out that there were actually more journalists on the mountain than so-called "earth-people" who were willing to travel with the aliens to another world. 

Different scenarios about the end of the world were created during the past months or even years. And all this fuss because of the Maya calendar that ends today. Of course, we've known about this date for years, and a few scenarios were even not too far-fetched. The theory about another planet, named Nibiru, that could collide with the Earth was even quite plausible, especially if you'd know how many asteroids there are out there in space... However, none of those poses a serious threat for the Earth at this moment, scientists have spotted them all and many telescopes worldwide keep an eye on those that sometimes cross the Earth's orbit.  

But let's turn back to the purpose of this post. Why not take this moment as a brand-new start for us and our planet, and especially for the relationship that exists between the two of us? How long have we, human beings, been destroying our planet stone by stone, tree by tree? How much longer can we go on using the Earth's resources without having to deal with the consequences of our uncontrolled behaviour? Isn't it time we turned to cleaner ways of consuming energy? I'm not much of a tree-hugging person myself, but I try to turn to accepted ecological methods whenever I can, although there is certainly room for improvement. 

Meanwhile, the clock has struck 10.30 PM and we're still here, broadcasting live from the city of Waregem, Belgium. Seems like all those believers were wrong after all ;) 

Anyway, it's also time we thought about defending human rights, as I wrote earlier in this post. I think every child on this planet, whether (s)he is born in Japan, Canada, Zimbabwe or the Netherlands, should have the right to go to school and to be a child. As I experience now with my two wonderful nieces, time flies and they grow relentlessly fast. That's why we should give them the time and the opportunities to be a child, and one of the characteristics of a child is that it needs to learn loads of things. Also, every human being on this planet has the right to be fed. I have to be honest, I have too many opportunities when it comes to food. I don't only have access to different kinds of bread and soft drinks, but I also have ice cream in the freezer and chocolate bars in my secret drawer. I go to the market twice a week to regale myself on delicious fruit. The latter aren't responsible for my overweight, but the former probably are. Anyway, it's ridiculous if you think how many people on this planet don't have half a loaf of bread to eat on a daily basis, including many children. I should be ashamed of myself, especially when it comes to the "emotional eating": I sometimes crave sweets and chocolate, especially when I feel depressed. Then nothing is safe, I'll eat it all, whereas many people in the southern hemisphere have no clue as to what sweets are. 

It's time that we changed our way of living, but I do plead guilty myself too. I'm too spoilt with all the luxuries I have, and I'm thankful to God for all the things he has provided.

It's getting late, I should get some sleep. It's been midnight, we are already the 22th of December and nothing has happened, so I suppose tomorrow will just be another day of thesis writing, family visits and Christmas shopping... 

The unloved

Am I one of the unloved? Sometimes, that's what I think and feel, while on the other hand I also know that there really are quite a lot of people who do love me, or at least, truly like me and are true friends. But when you realise that members of your family that should be close to you make you feel part of the unloved, then that hurts. 

It's almost Christmas, and I will spend the holidays in Belgium, with my family. I know that I am one of the lucky ones, because I realise that not everybody has the opportunity - and the luck! - to spend the holidays amongst their loved ones. Not everybody will be able to have a seat at a festively decorated table, to unpack a beautifully wrapped present or to give your loved ones a big hug when the clock strikes 12 on New Year's Eve. I'm not only talking about the homeless or about people who are ill and have to spend Christmas alone in a hospital or other institution, but I'm also and specifically referring to people very close to me (you know who you are).    

I acknowledge that you cannot choose your own family, but somehow I can't believe that God puts you purposefully in a family that doesn't love you. Frankly, I know that my mom and dad truly love me and that their love is unconditional. Although they can't express themselves by telling me literally that they love me and that they're proud of me - words I'd happily hear coming out of their mouths one day - they provide me with all the help and care that I need, even though I live far away from home and I'm actually at an age at which I should be able to deal with my own problems properly. I know they'd go to great heights to help me if they could, but some problems can't be solved by other people than by me, myself and I.

My mom and dad, I'm truly thankful for them!

However, it's not all roses there when I think about the upcoming holidays. It's just that I don't feel loved by all of my family members - nor is it my aim to be loved by each and every one of them, don't get me wrong - but I feel pretty much unloved by more than one person, and it's tough to admit that especially one of the family members I care a lot about actually destroys the holiday mood I'm in, because her behaviour has changed so much in such a short period of time. Whereas we were never as close as I'd have loved to when I was younger, she was one of the few people that seemed to care about me when I got admitted to the psychiatric clinic, 12 years ago. She came to visit me regularly, while she had a job and her own problems to deal with. Although her behaviour changed a little when I was coming and going from one psychiatric hospital to the other, I saw her as an ally, as someone I could trust on. And when I moved to the Netherlands, I noticed that our bond grew even stronger, and I was happy and thankful for that. Also, some changes in her life strengthened our ever-improving relationship. But then the probably inevitable happened: because of some other person that we both know, her attitude towards me changed dramatically, not even that long ago. I wrote about her behaviour in an earlier post. She probably had to choose between that person and me, I honestly think that that person forced her to choose, although you might think this idea is more or less ridiculous. It IS ridiculous, of course, but I'm afraid it is happening right here, right now: manipulation and forced choice.

I know that it's impossible to be loved by the entire world, but imagine how nice and awesome that would be! Now, though, I feel quite the opposite. I belong to the category of the unloved. I don't have a husband, I don't have children... I do have friends, but, as always, I'm so afraid to lose them. You see, the thing with borderline is that friendschips are quite complex things to deal with, just because it's extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship. And I know that my friends love me, but still it's as if I belong to the group of people that is part of the unloved. I haven't got anything special to offer, no special talents, nothing really... I feel rejected by society because I'm a psychiatric patient, because I can't function normally and will maybe never function in a normal way. Still, not only society rejects psychiatric patients. I've lost quite a lof of friends because of my illness, and within my family I'm not particularly the most popular person, precisely because of my mental health problems.

I realise that, after having read this post, some people, friends and/or family, will tell me that they do love me, and will maybe feel slightly offended because I claim to be one of the unloved. However, whatever they say, I'll still feel as being part of the unloved. It's the same with the feeling of being alone: it's always there, lurking in the shadows, and it frightens you, because you know it's in fact part of the work of the devil. He wants you to feel worthless, lonely and unloved, whereas God wants us to know that we are loved, not only by Him, but also by our christian brothers and sisters. 

As you may have read in an earlier post, I have never been very popular at school either. I've always been bullied because I got high grades. So here counts the same: rejected by all those fellow students and unloved, so unloved. Instead of being loved, I was laughed at, ridiculed, bullied. In fact, it's not that strange that I've developed this feeling of being unloved...

 The strange thing is that being unloved doesn't make it more difficult to love somebody else, at least, that counts for me. However, it's annoying to feel unloved by everybody, especiall by the one person I wrote about in this post, for she is/was very special to me, but all my efforts to strenghten our bond right now haven't had any effect. It goes even that far that I'm almost giving up. Why would I invest time or effort in her if she criticises my every single movement, if she hardly directs her words and gaze at me, if she blackmails me behind my back? Is that worth it? 

Lord, please give me the strength to deal with this situation. Amen.

 

My second puberty

When we were born, we were such innocent, ignorant babies that grew up to become the supposedly wise and adult grown-ups that we are today. We had to go through several stages to reach adulthood: from infant, toddler, child, teenager, adolescent to... yes, indeed, an adult and in my case an extremely disappointed one when I discovered how the majority of the adults treat each other. That's why I'm quite happy to announce you, dear reader, that I'm experiencing my second puberty at the moment. However, you'll have to think a little bit out of the box, for I'm not talking about that one specific puberty we all have to go through in our lives. No, I'm talking about religious puberty.

About four and a half years ago, I accepted Jesus in my heart and I finally said yes to the God that had been knocking at my door for I-don't-know how long. I became a christian. In faith it's exactly the same as in life: you have to grow and pass through several stages before becoming a full-grown christian. Still, these stages are not as predictable as they are in life. Some will take longer, while others will be much shorter. It depends on the person you are and on the route that God has designed for you. You start out as a cute, tiny baby christian, and what do we know about babies? (No, this question is not meant as a trap!) Well, firstly, they sleep a lot, they eat a lot... The same counts for christian babies: they need a lot of "holy food", a lot of input, preferably from the Bible and other christians around them, and time to process all the new experiences they encounter in their life as a christian.

Secondly, babies don't know how to express themselves very well yet. They cry, all right, but they can't find the right words to express themselves properly. Baby christians also need to learn how to find the words to talk to their heavenly Father. They have to get used to talking to Him and to enjoy the precious time they spend together with God. There are no right or wrong ways of praying, but it takes time to get used to talking to God, and I know this out of experience. It has taken me quite a while before I dared to pray out loud, but I just have to remind me of this simple idiom: practice makes perfect.

Lastly, babies have to learn how to get attached to their parents and other people from their new environment, because in their mother's belly, it was just them and their mom's rather familiar voice. Babies have to forge a bond with the beings that are close to them. The same counts for christian babies: they have to reach out to God and learn to get attached to him, to trust Him and to put their faith in His hands. They need to grow closer towards God, each and every day of their new life as a christian. 

Frankly, it feels as if I've been in that infant stage for the past four and a half years. I've learnt a lot though, that's true. I started out very enthousiastically: I read the entire New Testament in a short period of time and went to my student's accociation's bible study evenings. However, I didn't like it a single bit. I thought it was boring and way too difficult for me to digest. So I quit. The same counts for going to church. I found an evangelical church here in Leiden, and although I felt quite at home initially, I left a few months later. Ok, I wasn't feeling very well psychologically, I felt abandoned by God and the entire planet and, although I remained a christian and prayed every now and then, I refused to go to church or to read the Bible. So in fact I deliberately chose to stay in the infant stage of christianity, while I also kept in touch with that one special person that saved me and about whom I talked in an earlier post. She encouraged me to keep on praying and to keep on looking for a church in which I would be able to be myself and to feel at ease. However, I didn't feel motivated anymore. I felt alone and experienced God as someone very far away and not at all present in my life, although I didn't doubt his existence. Therefore, the door between me and God was not entirely closed, but was rather ajar. 

But then, last February-March, a small miracle happened: I found my way back to church, the same church as in the beginning. Incredible but true. I was at the clinic again, and one evening, that one special nurse was working. She convinced me to send an e-mail to my pastor. Eventually, but reluctantly, I did, and I received a positive answer that very same evening. It was a relief to read that I was welcome and that I didn't have to hesitate to go on Sunday. So that very same Sunday I went to church again, and quite a lot had changed. First of all, there were a lot more people than when I went at the beginning of the foundation of the church. Also, they had a new location, and I immediately felt completely at home. Since that Sunday, I try to go every Sunday. I haven't skipped any morning service since then, and sometimes I even go twice, because there's also an evening service on Sundays. Also, I try to be present every now and then when there's an extra activity on Saturday evening, and last week, I went to my very first bible study, although I can tell you it took me quite a while to get accustomed to the idea of me going to bible study once again. Luckily, two friends from church volunteered to drag me along with them ;)

However, let me go back to the moment when I still felt like a baby christian, that is, the moment when I started going back to church. I hadn't read my Bible in months, maybe even years, but after a special service with pastor John Dumas, I realised that the Bible is the word of God, and that, if I want to grow as a christian, I'll have to get acquainted to His way of communicating with us, tiny, humble christians. So I started reading again, passionately, out loud. I started praying again, every single day. I somehow changed that day that pastor John Dumas preached about being "as pure and holy as an ermine". That was also the day that I realised that I wanted to be baptised. I made a firm choice for God and Jesus that day, and I haven't regretted it a single second. 

John Dumas at De Deur Leiden, August 2012

So, after I got baptised, I realised that I'd entered into a new phase of my life as a christian. Something had definitely changed in a positive direction, I was firmly aware of that. Also, I'd been reading my Bible on a daily basis, I'd been praying on a daily basis... It felt good though, it didn't feel as an obligation, a feeling I used to have earlier in life when I prayed or read the Bible. However, the baptism didn't only bring me happiness and progress, because shortly after I'd been baptised, a new depression struck me, and very hard and unexpectedly this time. I dedicated several posts to this occurence, for example this one. And I talked about it with my pastor, because I didn't understand what was happening and where it came from, so suddenly. Then he told me that chances were big that it was an attack of the devil, and now I have to admit that, although I didn't believe in it initially, I do now. Especially after some extra services with pastor Wolter Alkema and pastor Ben Dekker, in which we prayed to heal this wounded heart and to fight the depression and the destructive thoughts that came along with it.

Still, lately I've been feeling a little better. Not always, not constantly, but just sometimes. And that's enough proof for me that it helps to pray and to reach out to God in prayer and thoughts. At the moment I'm writing this, I'm not feeling cured at all, in fact I'm very depressed because I've had once again a bad night and a bad day so far. But I know that somewhere out there, there's a Father that cares about His children. 

 

When I think back at the time as a christian before and after my baptism, I see quite a big difference. It feels as if I were a baby christian before my baptism and at least a toddler shortly after it, but in any case, I don't feel like a toddler anymore. I've grown during the past few months, although it felt like I was learning the hard way, and that's why I suppose I'm in my christian puberty at the moment, especially because, if I remember well, my puberty was a period in which I struggled a lot with everything about myself, my family, my friends... anybody around me. But it was also a period in which I learnt a lot about myself, unfortunately the hard way, as I wrote in an earlier post. Now I'm learning a lot about God and His son Jesus. In particular, it was pastor Ben Dekker who inspired me to dedicate more and more of my life and time on earth to God. Yes, sometimes I struggle with my faith, because, although I've clearly felt the presence of God in my life and I've seen the most inspiring images while praying, I can't prove to the people around me that God really exists. I can't force them to open up their hearts, because there might be more than what they actually think. I'd really like to, because they have no clue how good God can be, and what it could mean for the rest of their lives if they reached out to God and said these simple words that could save them: "Yes, Jesus, come into my heart". 

I have no clue as for how long this christian puberty will take, but as I sometimes feel the urge to seek God, while at other moments I feel rejection and despair, I suppose it will take me a while before I'll reach the stage of christian adolescence. I don't mind, though, as long as God stays with me, as long as He doesn't leave me. I know it'll take a lot of commitment from my side too, but that doesn't bother me. I know there's this hunger inside of me to learn more about God and His son Jesus. I also have a lot of good examples around me, other christians that are so dedicated I can't feel anything else but awe and pride, because they're my friends, and they'll certainly help me through the more difficult moments of my second puberty. You know who you are! I love you and thank God that He has allowed me to get to know you. You are true examples for me, and I hope this friendship will last as long as we walk on this planet Earth and far beyond it.

Now, people, what would you think about a second puberty? A second chance to make things right (if you hadn't done so in your first puberty, which counts for me...)? I dare you to seek God and to open up your heart for Jesus. I can only guarantee you that your life will improve, not only just a tiny bit, but a lot. You don't believe me? No problem, you're still my friend :) But listen very carefully, because someone's knocking at your door this very moment... Let Him in, and you won't know how your life will change... That much I can guarantee you!

 

The Impossible Love Syndrome

It's a fact that I'm forever suffering from the Impossible Love Syndrome, and I'm sure as hell I'm not the only one, for you, dear reader, may be in the same situation. 

In an earlier post I wrote about the loneliness and emptiness I've been experiencing for months now, and about the sole person my heart goes out to these days. But he is one more example of an impossible love, because he's an atheist, and I won't go against God's will. He's almost everything I would desire in a man. He's quite handsome, he's dedicated to his studies/job/career, he's a nice person to be with and I can talk about serious topics as well as about funny topics with him. I've known him for a year (more or less) now, and although I don't see him that often, my thoughts go out to him every single day. But I know it's not meant to be. What's more, I suspect he's not even the tiniest bit in love with me. I think he sees me as a friend, nothing more or less. I do think he enjoys the moments we spend together and my company, but as I don't dare to talk about my true feelings for him, he doesn't know and will never know if I go on like this. Still, I think it's better to be secretly in love without him knowing it then to confront him with the truth and maybe even lose his friendship. I appreciate the relationship we have a lot, and I wouldn't want to lose him as a friend. He's a kind person, and I value his camaraderie. I'd rather have him as a friend than have to live without him, and the latter situation could become reality once he knows that I have romantic feelings for him.

What's more, it seems that our love is not meant to be. He's almost everything I'd appreciate in a man. ALMOST everything, that's right, because, let's not deny it, he's an atheist and although God doesn't forbid a relationship between a christian and an atheist, He recommends us to share our lives with other christians. I do understand why: life is a lot more difficult when you have religious issues and a lot easier if you don't. Firstly, I'd like to marry in church. No way that an atheist will say yes to me in front of the altar. Secondly, if I want children - because I'm still not sure if I'll eventually be able to have children and educate them decently, for let's face it, borderline IS hereditary and I don't want my children to go through the same madnesses I've had to go through - I'd want to raise them in church too. I'd want to teach them about God and Jesus, and I'd like to read them religious bedtime stories. I'm not sure if my supposedly atheist husband would like to go there too. He'd surely not join me in church on Sundays, and the Bible will presumably be a source of irritation and maybe even exasperation. 

Anyway, this is not my first and only impossible love, many times in my life I've been irrevocably in love with the wrong kind of people. And no, I don't mean that there's something wrong with my loved ones, but it were just indications of me having to cope with this Impossible Love Syndrome later on in life: our so-called love was just one big illusion. 

Let me clarify the aforementioned statement with a few examples. WARNING: a few of these examples will probably make you laugh or even give you a low opinion of me. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing is up to you ;) 

First of all, I've had a soft spot for more than one male teacher. It already started when I was a mere 11 years old. We had such a nice, funny and dedicated teacher that I kind of fell in love with him. Not real love of course - I didn't have a clue what real love between a woman and a man was at that moment - but I wished that he was a friend of mine or even my father instead of a teacher. Later on in life, there were various other teachers I was very fond of, and it still happens, you know, even at university. At secondary school I somehow managed to actually fall head over heels in love with a teacher, but luckily I wasn't the only one. However, I regretted that it was so obvious (the entire class knew this, maybe because each and every one of them shared my feelings for him). Now, at university, I can estimate my chances a lot better, so I know that the love I feel for my teachers is just an example of impossible love, and that's why I keep it at a certain level of fondness. I mean, fondness is perfectly allowed, isn't it? I can also somehow regulate my feelings when I learn that they are married or have a girlfriend. Then the feelings of love are converted in true and sincere fondness, and I know that something such as love is not possible, but I also realise that their presence in my life is even more important to me, so I try to keep in touch. Sometimes this works out very well, but regrettably it's not always possible.

Now, about a truly impossible love. When I was about 14, there was this boyband, the Backstreet Boys. I was quite a big fan, sang along with their songs with a surreal passion I can now only dream of and had my room stuffed with their posters and other must-haves as a huge fan. And yes, there was this one boy - who is now a happily married man with a ridiculously handsome 6-year-old son- I couldn't get my eyes off: Brian Littrell. Not only did he have the most wonderful voice, but I also sank away into his deep blue eyes... I guess I was enchanted. It took me quite a while to figure out that my deceptive dreams would never become reality. Unfortunately, also this love was impossible, and I still haven't gotten over it. I can still stare at his picture with that dreamy look in my eyes and that tiny little smile that covers my lips...

Let's get to the more serious stuff now. As you might remember from an earlier post I've been in love with women, and as a christian I know that this kind of love is not exactly tolerated, because it's just not meant to be. It's not what God wants and what He has in store for us (with all due respect for homosexuals, but I know that I don't want to marry a woman, let alone start a family with a woman). The first time I fell in love with a woman was when I was only 16 years old. Actually, she fell in love with me, and then I was so thouroughly confused and therefore I thought that I also was in love with her, which could have been the case though. Until now, I haven't been able to exclude that possibility. I still think about her with a wounded heart, because it could have been beautiful. Still, it's not what I'm aiming for. I want to start a family with a man and share many beautiful - and without doubt also some less beautiful - moments with him.

Also, there have been other cases of impossible love, truly impossible love in the sense that my love could never ever be answered. I'm just not able to figure out if a guy is gay or not, and I strongly suspect that that's the reason why I've sometimes fallen in love with a homosexual man, only to find out later that he was gay. That's a pity, because somehow, some gay men are really very attractive, probably because to them, their looks are mostly quite important. Especially some gay latinos are so cute, frankly! 

I've had these more innocent cases of impossible love, for Brian Littrell was not the only famous man I've fallen in love with, but I won't go into more detail here. Instead, let me go back in time and have a look at the boyfriends I've actually had. Only the last one - I dare not mention his name because there is a slight possibility that he or some common friends read this blog - was my only true love. He's also the reason why I've been single for the past ten years. That's right, 10 years, I can't possibly believe it. Strange thing is that I'd always thought that he was an impossible love for me. He was just too handsome, too kind, too seductive. It was too perfect to be true. Anyhow, we had a relationship for over 1.5 years. But now I see that I've been right from the beginning: he WAS an impossible love, because it was just an illusion that we could be together and share our lives together. A pity, isn't it? I miss him a lot, he was my only true love until now, and maybe for ever... However, I have to be patient and wait, because God has something in store for me, at least, that's what I hope. And if my destiny is to stay single - because let's be honest, I've had these bad and painful experiences with men - then single it will be! Right?