Would you mind shutting the door?

Hatred. Anger. Sounds familiar? At least it does for me. Tonight I went to Rotterdam with the people from the church because pastor Bohorquez was invited to preach there. He might be small in stature, but I can guarantee you that his sermon has left a big impression upon me. His sermon was all about hatred and anger that people might feel deep inside of them, and while we were driving all the way back, I couldn't stop thinking about it, especially because I felt addressed explicitly by God Himself. But that's not the only reason I want to share this with you. I think this sermon was not only meant for christians, but also for anyone of you who might be reading this, because - you'll have to face it - everyone of us gets confronted with hatred and anger at least once in his/her life.

If you, dear reader, are human, you must have experienced anger and hatred at least once in your life, probably even more than once. But hey, there's nothing wrong with that! At least, it shows that you're human, just like me. What you do with the feelings of hatred is something completely different, though. You can cherish your feelings of hatred, or you can go to the cross, and put them at the feet of Jesus. See what happens then!

Pastor Bohorquez started off with the example of the Dutch guy that shot several people at a shopping mall and who ended up killing himself here in the Netherlands a few years ago. I didn't know that he was in fact a newborn christian, and that he'd left a letter in his room just before going out on a killing spree in which he acknowledged that he was in fact mad at God. And this said, he killed a dozen people and injured even more. Pastor Bohorquez mentioned that this person was in fact driven by his emotions, and even though he was a christian who praised God on a regular base, he did this kind of crazy thing. Each and every one of us can have these feelings of anger and even hatred. But luckily not everyone goes to a shopping mall in order to kill people. However, every person walking on this planet has this kind of feelings, and only a tiny spark is needed in order to make it all explode, to lose control. And this is what happens way too often. People are provoked and hell breaks loose. Literally.

Now you might think that there's nothing you can do about this type of feelings. You might cherish this kind of feelings because someone has really hurt you or because terrible things have happened in your life. It might seem that life or some specific persons have hurt you and let you down. When I think about myself, I have  to acknowledge that some things have happened in my life that were very unfair, like when they locked me up and strapped me to the bed in the Belgian psychiatric hospitals. I still feel very sad about what happened to me over there, and I can still not cope with all that crap. For a very long time I felt the deepest kind of hatred towards one psychiatrist, I even sent her an e-mail in which I told her - anonymously, with another e-mail address - that I hated her from the bottom of my heart. However, when I talk about hatred, I don't have to look back that far. I've also felt anger, frustration and even hatred with a few people close to me, because of their behaviour, because of their way of acting towards me. Now, is there something that can be done about it? In fact, there is!

You could hurt or maybe even kill the people that have caused you pain and let you suffer, or you could talk about it to God. You could say a prayer for the people that have hurt you. That's what pastor Bohorquez told us today during his sermon. Because, if you allow that a tiny spark provokes the feelings of hatred, the devil sees this huge opportunity and exploits it. It's as if you were, at birth, wired with God's computer via an USB cable. Via this cable, God sends you his never-ending love, so you know that He cares about you. However, somewhere in life you can choose to plug your cable in the computer of the devil, and break the link with God's computer. That will only cause you harm, as the devil uses this opportunity to send you his lies and to provoke you, because let's face it, all he wants is that you do things that cause pain and suffering to our Creator. So there is only one way to cope with feelings of hatred: let it go, and allow God to help you with this task.

Pastor Bohorquez compared it also in the following way: when you enter a building, say a bank, during winter, then there are usually two automatic doors. When you want to enter the building, the first door opens, and there is a message on the second door that says that you'll have to wait until the first door closes before you can enter the second door. Once the first door is closed, the second one automatically opens. In life it's exactly like that. First, you have to let go your feelings of hatred before the door to heaven opens. What's more, sometimes the first door won't close, for example because other people also enter, and consequently the second door won't open. And then people get frustrated, because all you want to do is enter the building, or, in our case, heaven or at least a life with God. As a christian, not only other people will want to enter together with you, but also the devil. Then it's your duty to chase him away and tell God that you won't accept this type of feelings and thoughts. So, when feelings of hatred somehow arise in your life, just ask the devil this: Would you mind shutting the door? Only then can you avoid the devil from entering in your life. Close the door, so you can let go those awful feelings of hatred. Remember, only one sentence: Would you mind shutting the door? Very politely of course, because you're well educated, aren't you? ;)

 

A little angel has been called to heaven...

I remember that last week, I was complaining about the lack of inspiration when it comes to writing on my blog. Sometimes, however, you'd explicitly wish you didn't have the inspiration to blog, as in "sad things happen in people's lives, and to deal with it, you have to write about it". Today, a little angel has been called to heaven. His name is Guillaume, and he was only 7 months old. But apparently, it was time he went to God. God has called him to His throne...

Guillaume is Thibaut's twin brother. Thibaut and Guillaume were born too early, and they had to stay in the hospital for a while. Thibaut is doing just fine and could leave the hospital after barely two months, but Guillaume had some health issues from birth on. However, after 160 days in the hospital he could finally go home to his own cozy bed, and the family could then fully enjoy some beautiful moments together. However, Guillaume still needed oxygen, and unfortunately he had to be hospitalized a few times, because his health problems persisted. The last thing I read on Facebook was that he was doing quite well, and there were some lovely pictures, also pictures from the twin brothers together. 

Today, however, Guillaume died. I don't know the exact circumstances, but I feel very sorry for my neighbour and her family. It has to be extremely difficult to lose your child, especially after you've enjoyed its presence for a considerable amount of time, even though it were a mere 7 months. 

A spark of anger and incredulity flared up in me when I heard the news. I was so angry at God, so very angry. How can he allow this kind of things to happen? First he gives two beautiful little boys to a happy family, only to take one of the children away after barely 7 months... How unfair is that? Where is God then, why does he punish that family so badly? What has a child done wrong that it has to die?  My questions couldn't be answered, so I called my pastor and talked to him. He agreed with me, it's extremely sad and people don't understand why a child has to die so young, so pure, so innocent... It can't be explained by faith, and the only thing one can do is pray. Pray for the family, so that they will find some comfort and the courage to go on. However, I can imagine that this family isn't exactly expecting to find any help and comfort from God's presence in their lives right now. Still, that doesn't withhold me from praying for them. 

Sweet Guillaume, may you rest in peace. You're an angel now, sitting on the right side of God. You're a bright star in the sky right now, shining down on your mommy, daddy and your two brothers. You're as free as a bird now, you can spread your wings and fly. You can flutter from one flower to the next, just as a butterfly. You can throw your smile and kisses to your family on earth. You will be missed, and it's so unfair that your time on this earth was so short... God will take care of you, however. You won't be on your own over there. Promised.

Sweet dreams now. Everything's gonna be all right...

There goes a way toooo carefree life...

My blog is experiencing some effects of the economical crisis. Yes people, everyone has to share in this horrible crisis, so also me, myself and I. And with me, my blog too. My last posts merely got twenty visitors, while in the past, I sometimes reached 100 visitors per post, or even more. So I should do something, alright. I posted on my Facebook that I wanted to write a post, but that I was out of inspiration. And one of my friends requested a "light" post, because the stuff I usually write can be quite heavy and way too serious. So it's time I wrote a "light" post, in order to satisfy my readers :)

A month ago, I was packing to go to Belgium. To be honest, back then I wished I could stay in the Netherlands, because I knew I'd miss my friends and the people from the church a lot, and I didn't really want to celebrate the holidays, I just wasn't really in the mood. Anyway, now I'm on the verge of packing again, but this time it's to return to Leiden. And history repeats itself: I wish I could stay a little longer at home and I already know that I'll miss my family when I'm back in Leiden. I know, I'm quite a complicated person. Well, that makes life interesting, doesn't it?

I know exactly what I'm going to miss once I'm back in Leiden. The delicious gourmandise prepared by my mom, the fact that I'm not alone when I have lunch and dinner, the fireplace at home with its cozy flames and its warmth... Back home in Leiden, it'll be just me, myself and I and my lovely Chico. And the weather is going to change from Sunday on. So that'll be shaking and shivering when the temperature goes below zero! 

 

I've practically lived in a  five-star hotel for a month. Well ok, let's make that a four-star hotel, for I had to do the dishes every now and then, although sometimes my dad was a good and loyal companion, I've vacuumed the house a few times because I've got this lovely bird that is losing his feathers again... but for the rest, this house in which I grew up as a child has been a comfortable home for the past four weeks. Furthermore, I've visited the loved ones that I always have to miss when I'm in Holland: my grandparents, my nieces, my aunts and uncles, some cousins... and all these people really seem to care about me! Isn't it a wonder?!

My lovely grandparents: pépé Etienne and mémé Marcella

I also had a good time with some of my cousins. I went to the movies - and afterwards to the Mac for one of those tasty McFlurries - with my cousin and I went over to her brother's place last Friday where we had a lovely typically Flemish dish: stewed meat (or how do you say 'stoofvlees' in English :P). She's a good cook, my niece! And it was all very nice to be with them, have dinner with them, after some nice bites, and afterwards have a chat and enjoy a good movie. That was truly some quality time! Also, this week we went for a walk together, my niece, her cute labrador Luna and I. I quite enjoyed it, because that's when I feel most at ease, just being outside with some good company!

Furthermore, the weather was in fact hor-ri-ble. Only the night of New Year's Day was acceptable and pretty beautiful, because that evening, I went for a walk with my dad. We were outside for about an hour, and the second-most brilliant planet in the sky was shining down on us: Jupiter. I already expected that I would get an opportunity to observe the sky at night, but unfortunately, at 9 PM, when we came back from my grandparents' place, the sky was fairly clouded. There went my only opportunity to wake the astronomer inside of me... For the rest of the time here, we've seen few if any stars. It was clouded at all times, so unfortunate because I don't get many opportunities to use my loyal 5.9 inch telescope here in Belgium.

So once more, it's been proven that beautiful moments always come to an end. Sunday, I'll be heading back to Leiden to pick up the student life again: thesis, thesis, thesis. Remember, I've got thesis issues ;)

PS: If you, dear reader, have any suggestions about improving the quality of my blog so that I can reach more visitors once again, please inform me about it. New possible topics are welcome! I've been like this, out of inspiration, for weeks now, and I don't like it. I blog just to blog, but it doesn't give me any satisfaction anymore. I seriously consider to write more about my relation with God, but I know that the more skeptical readers among you won't be waiting for that stuff to read. Anyway, this is probably what a blogging crisis should be: out of inspiration for a while, without getting any satisfaction from the few posts I do write. Hell, crisis everywhere, but hopefully there won't be any crisis in my head when I'm back in Leiden! Cheers!


 

 

The first year of the rest of my life

2013... Who doesn't like the sound of that? Well actually, I do. I'm quite into numbers, if you remember well, although I shouldn't be (I know). Anyway, there is no escaping anymore. 2013 has come in all its glory: abundant food, even more booze - for some people at least, not for me, thank you - and of course, fireworks, even in the small city of Waregem, where I'm residing at this very moment.

In my last post of 2012, I returned to some resolutions I'd made in August and it became clear that I hadn't accomplished much, if anything. That's why, in fact, it can only get better from now on. I should definitely change some things, but as long as I'm in Belgium at my parents' place, I won't be able to do a lot. There's too much distraction, I can't focus on my thesis, so I blog, I visit family members to wish them a happy new year and I eventually study some Portuguese. But I know that I should actually be writing that bloody third chapter, in order to finish the theoretical framework of my thesis. Help, people, I've got thesis issues!

Somehow, I was afraid that 2013 would only bring bad news and bad luck. Now, however, although some things have happened - and are still happening - in my family, I can't decide whether these are good or bad things in the end. Because of one "rotten apple" in the whole family, my grandparents are living under the constant threat of fear and intimidation, but the situation has also created a renewed bond between my mother and her brother and sister. After a rough 10 years in which they were hardly looking at each other, let alone talking to each other, it seems that this situation has brought a cure for their hostilities. Now they've agreed on a few points, and thank God, they're talking again. Of course, you never know how long it's going to last, but let's hope that that one "rotten apple" will keep on playing her dirty game, so that the rest of them, that is, my mother, her brother and two sisters, will also have one very good reason to keep on fighting together: my grandparents.

Still, I have to admit that this whole situation is getting me down. I see ghosts, and luckily I still know that it's just a figment of my imagination, but I have to take care. Right here in Belgium, none of my therapists is available right away. I'll be back in the Netherlands within a week, but until then I'll have to stick to myself, which means that I'll have to do everything I can to keep a clear mind and to stay in charge. I can't get stuck in my own worrying thoughts, I'll have to learn to cope with this part of my brain that evokes fear and unrealistic thoughts. I can't help it, but I see this uncle and aunt of mine do terrible things to my grandparents and my parents. It could be a good script for CSI or NCIS or something like that, but let's not go into detail here. That would only make things worse, I'm afraid. 

Instead, let's get back to 2013. In fact, let me make this statement: 2013 is the first year of the rest of my life. From now on, things will have to change. I want to finish my MA in Latin American Linguistics and finally graduate. Then the biggest challenge of my life will await me: finding a job, or else, do another master of one year, in order to get qualified to teach Spanish at secondary schools. However, I'd prefer to find a job this year, because I'll be 30 in a few months' time, and although I perfectly know and realise that it wasn't a deliberate choice to study until I turned 30, it feels bad to know that my age mates have been working for years now, and I still haven't finished my studies. This year, however, I want to make it happen. The only possible problem that can turn against me and my graduation is my mental health. As I'm experiencing a lot of side effects - too many, to be honest - I want to give the reduction of my meds another try. I know, it's probably not a good idea, but what other choice do I have? I can't get up before 10 in the morning, I feel tired all the time, I lack energy... I have to do something.

Still, I want to change some other things in 2013, because now is the time to do so. And then I'm not only talking about my New Year's resolutions, but especially about other things like enjoying my time here on Earth. It's been proven so many times that our time here is short, way too short in some cases. Every day could be the last day of your life, or mine. I also realise I'll probably outlive my parents and grandparents, and that's enough reason to enjoy their company when that is still possible. I care a lot about my family, and they are the only reason I'm still in doubt between staying in the Netherlands or returning to Belgium. However, I also care a lot about the true friends I have in Holland, especially the new friends I got to know in 2012. I know they care a lot. You know who you are!

It's high time I did something about my health too. I've gained way too much weight since the summer holidays, and I know that's because I haven't been exercising much. Overweight is something that is obviously present in our family, so I have to take care. People die because of overweight, and as for now, I don't want to die (yet). I should go to the gym more often and even try to enjoy my time there, for I'm doing something to improve my health, mental health as well as physical health. It's just that I'm not feeling ok and I hate my body because of all this overweight. 

If I take it for granted that this year is the first year of the rest of my life, no matter how long or how short it's going to be, I should undertake some action. I want to graduate, maybe find a job, work out in order to feel more healthy mentally as well as physically... If this is the first year of my life, I don't want to have feelings of hatred against anyone. I don't want to have conflicts with other people, especially not the people I really care about. I want to live in peace, and I want to be able to forget about the bad things that happened in the past, especially the horrible things that happened in psychiatric hospitals here in Belgium and some situations I had with family members. I also want to set things straight with a few teachers I had here in Belgium, teachers from my secondary school. I want to contact them and tell them about what really happened, because I'm under the impression that they don't know the entire story, and that they still see me as the lunatic I once was, and that is really unfortunate! If this is the first year of the rest of my life, it's high time that I put myself on the map, in order to try to make people see who Debz really is.