I know you're somewhere up there, up in heaven. I just wish you could see me now, see me from up there. I hope you're proud of me when you'r looking down on me. I know, mémé, that you had a hard time when I was admitted to the Belgian psychiatric hospitals. You were probably just scared, I'm not sure though, but I'm sure as hell you were not at ease with that situation. I can remember you were even feeling uncomfortable when I moved to the Netherlands. You thought my parents sent me here because they couldn't handle my psychiatric problems in Belgium. You thought I was constantly admitted here. Although some of these thoughts might have been true, not all of them were. You see, mémé, I was also doing some really good things here. I was studying and I did a great job. I was really good at it! Unfortunately you died too early to be able to notice that I got both of my BA and my MA degree Cum Laude. Yes, it was hard work, but I can now proudly say that I deserved it, because I worked hard for it.
Dear mémé, if you could see me now, would you be proud of me? At least, you would see that, after all, I survived the admission at the CIB in The Hague. It was such a rough time, it truly was. It was a struggle to re-encounter my true self. Almost a year did I stay there. At the beginning I didn't want to cooperate, not at all. I was so mad, mad at the nurses, mad at my family, mad at the entire world, mad at myself... I just couldn't go on, all I wanted was to die. However, after a couple of months, I realised that cooperation might be the key to success. And, unbelievably, it was! That's why I survived the CIB, while many of my fellow patients haven't, don't and won't. Mémé, I worked so hard at the CIB, and I continue working hard during my weekly therapy sessions. However, the nagging pain won't give way, no matter how hard I try. It'll probably require more time, but the one-million-dollar-question is whether or not I'm willing to make that bet.
Mémé, if you could see me now, would you see how much I've changed? Would you see that there's a warrior in me now? I've made the following agreement with myself: I don't want to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital anymore. Ever. It's been enough! Not only because I don't want it to happen anymore because of all the bad things that have happened, but also because it's not helping me. People with my kind of diagnosis - Borderline Personality Disorder - do need help and attention, but not in a clinical setting. There, they only tend to feel worse. They need people who listen to them when they go through rough times, but this can also happen in their own place, maybe - or maybe not - with the support of extra medication.
Dear mémé, I hope you're so proud of me now when you see that within a couple of months I'll finally move to my own apartment. It's so beautiful, it's brand new, not far away from the city centre, in one word: ideal! I've had to wait for quite a long time until this opportunity presented itself, but I can now say it was worth all the waiting! I could hardly believe it when I read that incoming e-mail that said that I was candidate number 28 (out of 60) and that this meant that I could even choose! God knew what He was doing! Many times I ended up second or third on the list for a house or apartment in the city. I was quite disappointed back then, but I always hoped for something better. And now this... Incredible!
Will things eventually get better from now on? Because it's not only the fact that I'll finally - after nearly 14 years in a student's house - get a proper place that brightens up the future. On March 11th, my second book will be published. The first book has been sold over 130 times, which is not bad for a first book as a beginning author. I just hope that, if my grandma, "mémé" Paula, were still alive, she would be very proud of me. She has always been a very important person in my life, someone to look up to, a strong woman, you know, always keeping the family together. She passed away on June 6th, 2010 and was 89 years old. Since then, she's been missed. Mémé, if you could see me now, what would you say?
