That tiny shred of hope...

... or how lives can change dramatically from one day to the other... 

Last Saturday, my parents came to pick me up in Leiden and we went back to Belgium as fast as we could, because my grandma had to undergo an emergency surgery. Unfortunately, we didn't see her before she left for the operation, we arrived late, and that's certainly a pity, because since Saturday, she's been in a coma, and she still hasn't woken up... 

I still have that tiny shred of hope, every time I go to visit her - that is, twice a day - that she'll open her eyes. We talk to her, we ask her to fight, to not give up, but we know it's hard for her as well as for the entire family. I do believe that she can hear us, because there's been enough proof of that already. You often hear that coma patients are still aware of the presence of family members. And we have even more proof, because yesterday and this morning, when we came in and started talking to her, her blood pressure rose, which was a good sign. Since yesterday morning, they quit the type of medication that held her in coma. Now she has to do it on her own. She's almost breathing without the help of the machines that used to keep her alive initially. 

These are difficult times. I know I've been complaining every once in a while about other situations, but this is certainly serious business. This is about the difference between life and death. We also have to wait for the results of the tumor that has been removed. Furthermore, there will without doubt follow more operations, because the doctors admitted that my grandma is in fact very ill. Whether she will wake up and when remains the question. 

I just wanted to write this short post in honour of my grandma Marcella, because I love her very, very much. She's such a special person, she's always happy and friendly... and to see her lying there in that bed in the ICU, with all the tubes and machines... it breaks my heart... :(

Please, mémé, we need you, please wake up!

Please keep a candle burning, and if you believe in God, pray to Him in order for her to wake up. We as a family can use all the support we need. Thanks for all your prayers and for keeping me and my family in your thoughts.

Love,
Debz

Single ladies club: members only!

Remember those times men and women married at the age of 18 or 20 and had children shortly after getting married? Remember those times men and women were married for over 50 years and stayed together their entire lives? Well, these times have long been gone, that much is true. 

I turned 30 a while ago and I'm still a member of the single ladies club. And as for me, I'd like to keep it that way. I see terrible things happening around me. Cousins get divorced and marry for the second time. Friends are treated like rubbish by their husbands or boyfriends. Why in the world would I want to get married or even have a boyfriend? All the misery, all the problems... Sh*t happens, they say, and I totally agree, but if you can prevent that type of sh*t from happening... why wouldn't you? 

Ok, I have to admit that there are still exceptions. When I look around me when I am in church I see happily married couples. Still, it's a process of giving and taking. And I don't know if I'm willing to give that much. Honestly, being a borderliner doesn't help. Borderliners love to give and take, but somehow it always boils down to searching the extremes. 

So I've decided I'll be a member of the single ladies club for the rest of my life. I've had relationships, oh yes, but the first serious boyfriend I had treated me badly and didn't respect my limits when it came to initimacy, the second one turned out to be gay and only used/abused me as a cover for his family and the third one... well, that was a good one, but he broke up with me because he couldn't cope with me being a borderliner - which, if I think back how I was back then and how I behaved at that time, was a completely reasonable decision. It's been almost 11 years since he left me, and since that moment, I've been a chronically single lady. I've regretted some decisions I've made, for example, that moment when I had the chance to begin a relationship with a very, very friendly housemate, but I was too scared to lose him that I didn't dare to go ahead with the romantic thing. Now we're soulmates, and I love him more than I would have loved him if we'd had a relationship. I've been in love with some very nice guys from university, but somehow it didn't work out, not only because I wasn't able to take that giant leap, but also because somehow the boys I fell in love with, weren't really in love with me.

There's a slight possibility that I'll turn out to be a spinster for the rest of my life. So what?! I'd rather be happy and unmarried than unhappily married. In my family I've seen enough examples of unhappily married people. Then I'd rather stick to myself and my lovely budgy Timo. We're a good match, you know :) 

 

Of course, there is this one thing... I'd love to have children of my own, but I don't think that would be a wise decision. First and foremost, I'd need to quit all the medication I'm using. Not an easy thing, because then it's quite unpredictable how I'll end up after 9 months of pregnancy without my meds. Furthermore, I'm already 30 years old, and I have the impression that all the "good guys" are already occupied. I once tried a dating site, but that didn't turn out to be a great success. So I gave up after only a month. And since then, I haven't felt the need to make another profile on another dating site, even if it were a christian dating site. I feel quite comfortable with the life I'm living now. My parakeet is my companion, I have quite a lot of good to really good friends - you know who you are! - even though I see some of them on very rare occasions. We keep in touch via mail, via Facebook, on the phone. And if this urge to have children becomes so overwhelmingly big, I can always go to Belgium and play with my nieces, or play with the children in church. 

 

So, what about you, dear reader? Do you prefer to stay single - whether you're a lady, like me, or a guy - or do you really have that urge to find a partner soon? In any case, those times of "they lived happily ever after" are over. If you see and hear what happens in some families between partners... Tssss, it's just too much for me. I'll live "happily ever after", but then WITHOUT a husband, because, as far as I know, I've been quite happy for the past 11 years, without one single kiss, without - well, let's just say it - having sex... I'm happy the way I am. I don't need a man, I want to stay independent as long as I can. Of course, the day I'll have to go to an old people's home will be very difficult. The children I never had won't visit me. The granddchildren I never had will never visit me. And the husband I never had will certainly not stay with me and hold my hand when the moment I come to die arrives... But that's for later, why don't we just enjoy this moment of independence? If you want to join my single ladies club, you're very welcome! (Even if you're a guy ;)

Count your blessings

Especially in times when you feel a little sad, it's good to count your blessings and to conclude that in fact, life isn't too bad. Or is it?

I think God wants us all to count our blessings every now and then, especially at those moments at which we think we're just having bad luck and we think everything goes wrong. This could be such a moment. I'm in Belgium since last Saturday because my grandma is very ill, she has cancer, and we have to wait until tomorrow before we know if the tumour is operable or if we'll just have to wait and see. It's tearing me apart, because I love my grandma very much, and in fact everyone in our family loves her, especially and irrevocably my granddad. Last week, when my grandma was in hospital, my mom had to bring my granddad to the psychiatric ward because he just couldn't cope with the situation and he threatened to commit suicide. It's terrible to see everyone so unhappy: my mom, my aunts and uncles, the grandchildren... Last Sunday we all went to a cafetaria together, that is to say, my grandparents and almost all the grandchildren. We had some coffee, ice cream and some drinks, and we had a good time. The weather was beautiful and the nature around us evenly so.

Granddad and his beer

Grandma and her ice cream

Having a good time together!

Let me first state that I'm extremely happy that I've known all of my grandparents. My granddad from my father's side died when I was only 7, but his wife, my grandma, died in 2010, 20 years after my granddad had past away. And so I only have the grandparents from my mother's side left, but - and here comes one blessing - I've known three great-grandparents from my mother's side, two great-grandmothers and one great-grandfather. I was 15 when my great-grandfather died at the age of 89. A beautiful age, an age at which you can look back and conclude that it certainly was a life worth living, especially when you know that he was in fact still very lucid and that he had a sharp wit. It's never easy to let go of someone you love, but it's easier when it's at a reasonable age and without a lot of suffering.

Also, in our family, there haven't been so-called "tragic deaths". By this I mean that no children have died or suffered from cancer or some other destructive illness. There've been deaths, yes, but most of them were at a reasonable age, with the exception of one of my mother's uncles, who was in his sixties when he died from a heart attack, on the exact day that I turned 15 and one of my uncles - a brother of my father - who died at 69, just two years ago. There've been no cases of cancer, that is, until now, with my grandma. So our family has in fact been quite lucky when it comes to deaths and terrible diseases. Furthermore, our family has proliferated. I have many cousins and second cousins, many aunts and uncles. Although there've been fights and contact with some of them is completely lost, I cherish the beautiful moments we had in the past and the fact that some bonds have been renewed just a couple of months ago. 

Family is very important to me, maybe even more since I moved to the Netherlands. I see them less often, and although we call and we chat on Facebook and Skype, it's not the same. I also see my family blessed with my two nieces, Indra and Kyana, about whom I wrote something in an earlier post and who are very, very important to me. Still, when I get a little bit melancholy, I can always count on some friends in the Netherlands, especially one, who will know I'm talking about her when she reads this. She's been an example at first, and a friend later on, but I've practically known her since I started studying at Leiden University. I also have friends from university, although they are rather scarce now, and the people from the church of course. And then I have these friends all over the world, especially in Latin-America, people from Peru, Mexico, Colombia, Chile, Argentina,... I love them all!

Another blessing - thanks to the Lord - is that I was able to flee away from the world of the Belgian psychiatry - that would have killed me, honestly - and that I ended up in the Netherlands, where the treatment of psychiatric patients is so much more humane. Furthermore, I have a room in the heart of Leiden, close to the university, close to the supermarket and the shops, close to almost anything I need. I have everything my heart desires, my mom and dad love me and come to visit me twice a month. I'm able to study and can afford it thanks to the Dutch government. I'll hopefully be able to graduate this year, and then we'll see if I can find a job. But up till now, God has always blessed me, and I'm thankful for that. You can read more about the fact that all this is not a mere coincidence in an earlier post. 

Although sometimes I'd like to have a partner to share my love with and I'd love to have one or more children with him, and although I've been thinking that none of this is actually going to happen for I'm already 30 years old, God has blessed me with some rather special companions, parakeets, to be more specific. I had my first parakeet at the age of 12, and as you might know, Chico, a wondrous bird, died just 17 days ago, but was my loyal comrade during the past seven and a half years. Now, exactly a week ago, my most recent buddy Timo joined my life and I can tell you, (s)he is as lovely a bird as I have ever seen. (S)he is still a baby parakeet and needs a lot of care and attention, which I'm more than willing to give. Chico will never ever be forgotten, but my pain has subsided considerably now that I have to care for another feathered friend. 

What about other blessings? I honestly think I don't stop at the thought often enough, because I know a lot of people who have difficulties to earn a good living and to have enough money to buy the substantial things like food and clothes. I can afford to buy books and DVDs, I have a computer and a smartphone, and still, I dare to complain about life being unfair?! Honestly, Debz, think about your blessings before judging God and telling Him He's been unfair to you. Whatever the outcome of tomorrow's talk with the doctors is, I'll have to be able to deal with it. Of course I'll be utterly sad if it turns out that my grandma's days are counted, but then we'll all have to make the best of it. We'll have to react as a family and support each other. Now, it's still easy to make that statement, maybe tomorrow will be completely different. Please, people, keep my grandma and our family in your thoughts and in your prayers. We certainly need it. 

For now, I'm off, trying to have some quality time with my family and Timo, watching a football match - yes, Barça again, although their defeat is as good as certain - with my dad and helping my mom with some computer issues. The sun is still shining, there'll be a beautiful sunset, I suppose. Still, I'll be glad to be back in Leiden next week, where I have my therapists to talk to, because whatever happens tomorrow in the hospital, there'll always be flaws or points that we don't like...