I've done stupid things in life. So did you probably. But I mean really stupid things, things that I now truly regret. Things that I can't turn back, in no possible way. And the thing is, while doing that, I hurt a lot of people. People were shocked, astonished and maybe even scared. Yes, I'm talking about the cutting thing. I shouldn't have done it. Ever. But I guarantee you, I didn't do it to get people's attention. No way! I did it because I had no other way to cope with these crappy emotions. I couldn't deal with life. It was just too hard, too difficult, too much. And I was too weak, too small, alone and lost in this world. I didn't do it to hurt anyone but myself. I wanted to survive. I wanted to be there for everyone but myself. It was just my way to deal with a life that wasn't fit for me. You see, some people get a ready-made life. Others get a - well, less ready-made life, a life they still have to figure out themselves, like a gigantic puzzle consisting of 1,000 pieces that all seem to resemble themselves. And then it gets way too complicated.
I could have acted differently, but there's no guarantee that that would have been less damaging. Some people find their solution in alchohol or drugs. Others in crime. I don't think these are healthier ways. Only a couple of others find a healthier way, but then I talk about people who are emotionally stable. I'm sorry I wasn't, I really am. But what do you expect? I grew up in an atmosphere of fear, without a sibling who showed real interest in me. I'm emotionally as stable as my mom, which means not at all. It's not her fault, it's no-one's fault really. It just happens. And then me being bullied at school, that didn't really help. Also, I already was a very insecure person. I had a bad self-image. As my therapist explained once to me: I'd learned to see myself as a bad person in a good world rather than see myself as a good person in a bad world. Makes sense, you know. All these factors led to me cutting myself. And you know, once I carved the word GUILTY in my left arm. You can still see the letter G very clearly. Fact is that I still feel guilty when people in my family start a fight, something that is actually happening at this very moment... I just can't help it, it happens :(
I'm so sorry, people, for having cut myself and having left you in disgust. But I can't say that I wouldn't do it again if everything would start all over. However, I do feel guilty. Also, I'm sorry for my suicidal expressions. I take authority over them and I am so sorry that I didn't take your feelings into consideration. When I was standing on the roof of that parking garage, 13 high, I never thought about you. I was only thinking about myself, about how much I'd suffered already and how much I'd wanted it to be over. I'm so sorry I didn't think about what your life would look like without me in it. About the emptiness I'd leave into your lives. I didn't think about me being selfish. I only thought about my own life, about how desperately I'd wanted it to end. Now, however, things have changed. It's been 9 months since I said goodbye to the clinic, and things have finally turned out in my favour. I have my own apartment, with new furniture, mom and dad who helped me to get it all ready to live in and believe me, it's my own little palace. I love living here! And my thoughts about life have radically changed. I now don't fear life anymore, I do fear death though. I want to try to get most out of life now, while that's still possible. All those years in which I was playing hide and seek with death... What a waste! I now see and realise that I have to start getting everything out of life that I can. And I guarantee you, I will. No more cutting words in my own flesh, no more playing games with death, no. It's time to enjoy life and thank God for my blessings!
