My second puberty

When we were born, we were such innocent, ignorant babies that grew up to become the supposedly wise and adult grown-ups that we are today. We had to go through several stages to reach adulthood: from infant, toddler, child, teenager, adolescent to... yes, indeed, an adult and in my case an extremely disappointed one when I discovered how the majority of the adults treat each other. That's why I'm quite happy to announce you, dear reader, that I'm experiencing my second puberty at the moment. However, you'll have to think a little bit out of the box, for I'm not talking about that one specific puberty we all have to go through in our lives. No, I'm talking about religious puberty.

About four and a half years ago, I accepted Jesus in my heart and I finally said yes to the God that had been knocking at my door for I-don't-know how long. I became a christian. In faith it's exactly the same as in life: you have to grow and pass through several stages before becoming a full-grown christian. Still, these stages are not as predictable as they are in life. Some will take longer, while others will be much shorter. It depends on the person you are and on the route that God has designed for you. You start out as a cute, tiny baby christian, and what do we know about babies? (No, this question is not meant as a trap!) Well, firstly, they sleep a lot, they eat a lot... The same counts for christian babies: they need a lot of "holy food", a lot of input, preferably from the Bible and other christians around them, and time to process all the new experiences they encounter in their life as a christian.

Secondly, babies don't know how to express themselves very well yet. They cry, all right, but they can't find the right words to express themselves properly. Baby christians also need to learn how to find the words to talk to their heavenly Father. They have to get used to talking to Him and to enjoy the precious time they spend together with God. There are no right or wrong ways of praying, but it takes time to get used to talking to God, and I know this out of experience. It has taken me quite a while before I dared to pray out loud, but I just have to remind me of this simple idiom: practice makes perfect.

Lastly, babies have to learn how to get attached to their parents and other people from their new environment, because in their mother's belly, it was just them and their mom's rather familiar voice. Babies have to forge a bond with the beings that are close to them. The same counts for christian babies: they have to reach out to God and learn to get attached to him, to trust Him and to put their faith in His hands. They need to grow closer towards God, each and every day of their new life as a christian. 

Frankly, it feels as if I've been in that infant stage for the past four and a half years. I've learnt a lot though, that's true. I started out very enthousiastically: I read the entire New Testament in a short period of time and went to my student's accociation's bible study evenings. However, I didn't like it a single bit. I thought it was boring and way too difficult for me to digest. So I quit. The same counts for going to church. I found an evangelical church here in Leiden, and although I felt quite at home initially, I left a few months later. Ok, I wasn't feeling very well psychologically, I felt abandoned by God and the entire planet and, although I remained a christian and prayed every now and then, I refused to go to church or to read the Bible. So in fact I deliberately chose to stay in the infant stage of christianity, while I also kept in touch with that one special person that saved me and about whom I talked in an earlier post. She encouraged me to keep on praying and to keep on looking for a church in which I would be able to be myself and to feel at ease. However, I didn't feel motivated anymore. I felt alone and experienced God as someone very far away and not at all present in my life, although I didn't doubt his existence. Therefore, the door between me and God was not entirely closed, but was rather ajar. 

But then, last February-March, a small miracle happened: I found my way back to church, the same church as in the beginning. Incredible but true. I was at the clinic again, and one evening, that one special nurse was working. She convinced me to send an e-mail to my pastor. Eventually, but reluctantly, I did, and I received a positive answer that very same evening. It was a relief to read that I was welcome and that I didn't have to hesitate to go on Sunday. So that very same Sunday I went to church again, and quite a lot had changed. First of all, there were a lot more people than when I went at the beginning of the foundation of the church. Also, they had a new location, and I immediately felt completely at home. Since that Sunday, I try to go every Sunday. I haven't skipped any morning service since then, and sometimes I even go twice, because there's also an evening service on Sundays. Also, I try to be present every now and then when there's an extra activity on Saturday evening, and last week, I went to my very first bible study, although I can tell you it took me quite a while to get accustomed to the idea of me going to bible study once again. Luckily, two friends from church volunteered to drag me along with them ;)

However, let me go back to the moment when I still felt like a baby christian, that is, the moment when I started going back to church. I hadn't read my Bible in months, maybe even years, but after a special service with pastor John Dumas, I realised that the Bible is the word of God, and that, if I want to grow as a christian, I'll have to get acquainted to His way of communicating with us, tiny, humble christians. So I started reading again, passionately, out loud. I started praying again, every single day. I somehow changed that day that pastor John Dumas preached about being "as pure and holy as an ermine". That was also the day that I realised that I wanted to be baptised. I made a firm choice for God and Jesus that day, and I haven't regretted it a single second. 

John Dumas at De Deur Leiden, August 2012

So, after I got baptised, I realised that I'd entered into a new phase of my life as a christian. Something had definitely changed in a positive direction, I was firmly aware of that. Also, I'd been reading my Bible on a daily basis, I'd been praying on a daily basis... It felt good though, it didn't feel as an obligation, a feeling I used to have earlier in life when I prayed or read the Bible. However, the baptism didn't only bring me happiness and progress, because shortly after I'd been baptised, a new depression struck me, and very hard and unexpectedly this time. I dedicated several posts to this occurence, for example this one. And I talked about it with my pastor, because I didn't understand what was happening and where it came from, so suddenly. Then he told me that chances were big that it was an attack of the devil, and now I have to admit that, although I didn't believe in it initially, I do now. Especially after some extra services with pastor Wolter Alkema and pastor Ben Dekker, in which we prayed to heal this wounded heart and to fight the depression and the destructive thoughts that came along with it.

Still, lately I've been feeling a little better. Not always, not constantly, but just sometimes. And that's enough proof for me that it helps to pray and to reach out to God in prayer and thoughts. At the moment I'm writing this, I'm not feeling cured at all, in fact I'm very depressed because I've had once again a bad night and a bad day so far. But I know that somewhere out there, there's a Father that cares about His children. 

 

When I think back at the time as a christian before and after my baptism, I see quite a big difference. It feels as if I were a baby christian before my baptism and at least a toddler shortly after it, but in any case, I don't feel like a toddler anymore. I've grown during the past few months, although it felt like I was learning the hard way, and that's why I suppose I'm in my christian puberty at the moment, especially because, if I remember well, my puberty was a period in which I struggled a lot with everything about myself, my family, my friends... anybody around me. But it was also a period in which I learnt a lot about myself, unfortunately the hard way, as I wrote in an earlier post. Now I'm learning a lot about God and His son Jesus. In particular, it was pastor Ben Dekker who inspired me to dedicate more and more of my life and time on earth to God. Yes, sometimes I struggle with my faith, because, although I've clearly felt the presence of God in my life and I've seen the most inspiring images while praying, I can't prove to the people around me that God really exists. I can't force them to open up their hearts, because there might be more than what they actually think. I'd really like to, because they have no clue how good God can be, and what it could mean for the rest of their lives if they reached out to God and said these simple words that could save them: "Yes, Jesus, come into my heart". 

I have no clue as for how long this christian puberty will take, but as I sometimes feel the urge to seek God, while at other moments I feel rejection and despair, I suppose it will take me a while before I'll reach the stage of christian adolescence. I don't mind, though, as long as God stays with me, as long as He doesn't leave me. I know it'll take a lot of commitment from my side too, but that doesn't bother me. I know there's this hunger inside of me to learn more about God and His son Jesus. I also have a lot of good examples around me, other christians that are so dedicated I can't feel anything else but awe and pride, because they're my friends, and they'll certainly help me through the more difficult moments of my second puberty. You know who you are! I love you and thank God that He has allowed me to get to know you. You are true examples for me, and I hope this friendship will last as long as we walk on this planet Earth and far beyond it.

Now, people, what would you think about a second puberty? A second chance to make things right (if you hadn't done so in your first puberty, which counts for me...)? I dare you to seek God and to open up your heart for Jesus. I can only guarantee you that your life will improve, not only just a tiny bit, but a lot. You don't believe me? No problem, you're still my friend :) But listen very carefully, because someone's knocking at your door this very moment... Let Him in, and you won't know how your life will change... That much I can guarantee you!