Destination: Heaven

Can I ask you a question, dear reader? If you were to die today, would you be certain you'd go to Heaven? Can you look me straight in the eye and answer honestly, "Yes Debz, if I were to die today, I'd go to Heaven, without any doubt"? Let me share this with you: I'm not so sure myself, which means that I'm not standing right before God. Maybe you don't even care if you go to Heaven or to hell. But I can truly assure you: hell is not so pretty. Hell is not equal to an extremely hot paradise. Well, extremely and burning hot it is, but it's far from paradise.

Lately, I've noticed that I'm backsliding. Bad news, that is. I don't want to create a distance between me and God, but as God is not visible and as I haven't really felt His presence for a long time, doubt rises in my heart and mind. The worst thing is that I'm very well aware of the fact that I'm backsliding. And I don't like that fact. I want to be close to God, I want to dedicate my heart to Him. However, it's so difficult if you have to be honest, for God can read your each and every thought, so He knows you're doubting His very existence, He knows you don't believe you're worthy of His love. And I think His heart is bleeding when people act like me. They go to church, oh yes, they read their bible every day, but... they don't have that Faith they used to have. They don't have the certainty that they'll go to Heaven were they to die today. 

Last Saturday I was very honest with one of my best friends from church. Very honest, that is. I exposed her to all my doubts. I told her about my indifference: Heaven or hell, what does it matter, this life is hell already. But she convinced me that I wasn't thinking in the right way and that I was in fact backsliding. So on Sunday, I went to church, hesitating if I should go towards my pastor to pray when he made the call for those who want to be saved for the first time, or for those that have backslided. Somehow, I went to the altar, and we prayed, but I didn't feel any difference. Monday evening, we had an extra service in The Hague with an American preacher, Kris Hart. I decided to go, not knowing what would happen there. There were about 250 people present there, and when the preacher started his sermon, I felt touched and directly spoken to by God. And then, the call came, once again, for people who wanted to be saved and for backsliders. I was hesitating once again, weighing the pros and cons against each other. God clearly wanted me to go to the altar, I could feel it in my entire body, from head to toes. But... there were 250 people there, 250! Not the 15 we usually have in church and that I've known for almost a year now, but 250 people, most of them unknown to me, and therefore forming a certain threat. Still, I couldn't resist and struggle against God's will, so I lifted my hand. I looked the preacher straight in the face when he asked if the people that had lifted their hand were really serious and honest about it. There were only two of us. The preacher invited us to the altar. The only thing I could do, was to step forward... and then I could only cry. I couldn't even pray anymore, just cry. I kneeled, and luckily, that one special friend was with me. She prayed for me, because I couldn't. Words wouldn't come. Finally I could utter this single, short sentence: "I'm sorry." I'm sorry. And this, I meant from the bottom of my heart...

Today - but actually for the past 3 weeks - I've been in and out of an emotional crisis all the time. Anger flows into sadness, sadness flows into anger, and so forth. I really have no control over it. The crises come without any warning. One of the consequences of this is that certain decisions that I take at a specific moment can change only hours afterwards. And you see what the problem is, dear reader, people don't understand that, even my best friends have no idea whatsoever of what I'm going through. And it's hard, if not impossible, to explain, it surely is. They can't feel what I feel. And I can't find the words to explain... Anyway, when I'm into one of these crises, I sometimes have suicidal thoughts, sometimes only minor thoughts, sometimes more serious thoughts. And then I want to do "stupid" things, like cutting myself or even killing myself. And the latter possibility becomes more and more attractive every day. I have these impulsive thoughts I used to have when I was about ten years younger: crossing the road without looking if a car or bus is coming, going to the train station, climbing up high spaces from which I could eventually jump and end this miserable life.

Sure, I could do it. And I could have done it a dozen times already. But I didn't do it, and I probably - hopefully - will never do it, because I want to go to the Father, to Heaven, and not to hell. Killing yourself means stealing the life that God gave to you and that belongs to Him. It's His decision if you die tomorrow or between now and fifty years. If you take the other option, you go straight to hell. That much is clear to me now. I didn't know when I was a baby Christian, but now I'm in my second puberty, I am aware of that. In any case, if I were to die tomorrow, I really hope I'll have Heaven as my destination, and not hell. 

 

Dear reader, if you're not a Christian, and you don't want to read any Christian talk, you can skip the next paragraph. It's just that there are actually quite a lot of people who do believe that God exists. However, they immediately conclude that this is enough to go to Heaven. Sorry if I have to disappoint you now, but unfortunately it doesn't work like that. If you're not saved, if you haven't truly given your heart to God, you won't go to Heaven. Yes, God loves each and every one of us, for He made us, but if you don't choose His side before you die, you'll never reach Heaven. Did you know that a short, simple prayer can save you and create or reinforce that bond between you and God? Easier than that is hardly possible, I'd say. You only have to repent of your sins and ask forgiveness to God. He'll certainly give it to you. I've been there, I've done it. Maybe you think you are a good person and that you possess everything in life that you want. Possible. Maybe you think you sometimes make minor mistakes, and especially in comparison with your neighbours or even real criminals, you're not that bad, are you? Maybe you think you don't need God in your life, because there's prosperity in many fields in your life. Still, think about what God could do in your life. He could take away old feelings of grief, anger, disappointment. He could heal you from the inside. He could walk with you when things don't go as planned. But I have to warn you, you won't see Him, nor hear Him literally speak to you. However, you can feel Him, especially when you get saved and pray that first prayer with a pastor, evangelist or other people who know how this works. 

So, decide for yourself. Do you give God a chance when He comes knocking at your door? He thinks you're worth His healing and love, so how could you say no to Him?