Oz

Oz is one of the most violent TV series from the late nineties and early nillies. It was produced by HBO and is – in my humble opinion – one of the best series I’ve seen lately. Oz is short for Oswald State Correctional Facility and is a highly secured prison. The story is mostly centered around Em City (Emerald City) where criminals of all sorts – murderers, but also people who committed less violent crimes – and with all kinds of sentences – from 5 years to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole - have to behave as if they live in a real society. They are responsible for every possible task: cleaning, kitchen, library, post office,… you name it. There are several groups which – in more than one opportunity - kill or harass each other: the Afro-Americans, the Muslims, the Neo-Nazi’s, the Italians, the Latinos, the Irish Americans and the homosexuals.

No, this is not another review about the series, although I do enjoy it a lot, but you can find enough reviews on the Internet. An episode takes almost one hour and I can guarantee you, a lot happens, especially because there is a lot of violence and at least one inmate gets killed during an episode. One group against another, betrayal within one group to kill one of the inmates, violence against the guards, affairs between inmates and between guards or other staff… 

My point is, I’m living in a kind of Emerald City too now. Life here is tough. No, no one gets killed, but there have ultimately been a lot of fights – in which I unfortunately also participated. With fights I mean that there have been a lot of separations lately. Some of my fellow patients – including myself – can be quite violent. You know, sometimes, when I go to the isolation cell voluntarily, I feel like I’m in solitary, which I actually am. Other times, when I have to go to the isolation cell involuntarily and they strip me from my clothes, I feel in ad seg, the hole, as it is also called. I’ve never seen so many naked men in my entire life as in Oz. When I’m in ad seg, I luckily get some clothes, but they’re not the most fancy ones, if you know what I mean.

 

Em city also presents the possibility to play games, to sniff drugs – which I compare with my daily use of all those pills – to attack others – something I’ve done in various occasions and am still craving to do in some situations, I know, I’m not too proud of it, but it is like it is.

There are also other similarities between Oz and the closed ward where I’m residing. The boredom, the television room, the psych ward, the verbal and physical violence – which I already mentioned – and of course, the being locked up 24 hours a day – in my case for about 11 weeks - and, not unimportantly, the feeling of wanting to escape. I actually saw an episode lately – because I’m now at season 4 out of 6 – in which two inmates escaped. I escaped once, but I got caught. Well, one of those two also got caught by the police, but the other one is still on the run. I’ll see if it turns out well or badly for him in one of the following episodes, I guess. I can hardly wait!

 

You know, the resemblance makes me sometimes sick. Those are all actors, but we really go through this stuff, and sometimes we are being treated badly. My last separation was extremely violent, and it took days to get rid of the pain in my arms and knees. I regret this, but I also have to be a little more rigid to myself: I’m NOT in Em city, and I’ll be out of this within two and a half weeks. Still, I can lose myself completely in an episode and then I get worked up because I feel lost, trapped and rejected. There’s no way to escape, I’ve tried everything. And the doctors, well, they could be seen as the warden, and the nurses as the guards, and then I get lost completely. I almost don’t dare to write about this because it could mean that I’m getting psychotic again, but it is like it is. I feel in Em City now, although they don’t have access to a laptop of their own, nor of mobile phones – which, of course, are present in the prison. Everything that is prohibited is in Em City.

Today I went home all by myself and I stayed there during one hour. I seriously thought of taking an OD, because I’m tired of all this shit. In Em City, it’s easier to get killed than to kill yourself – although this also happens – but I have to think about my parents, my friends and my nieces. It’s hard, it’s tough and it’s a lifelong struggle… I hope I get out of this Em City soon. If everything goes well, I’ll be up for parole in two and a half weeks ;)