Itchy, scratchy 2014

On December 26^th, 2013, I got these things called urticaria in Latin if I’m not mistaken. I don’t know the English name, but you can always consult a dictionary, right? Anyway, since that day, some three weeks ago, I’m scratching myself all day long because they’re so itchy. And of course, by scratching all the time, it gets even more itchy. 2014 started quite itchy…

In the meantime I’ve tried about 6 pills before the 7^th finally brought some positive results. it has a funny name: Telfast. All these pills are antihistamines, and the dermatologist gave me high hopes by saying that in 90% of the cases, it can’t be found out what the exact cause is. See, the odds are never in my favour! It’s still itchy and scratchy the entire day, but at least I can sleep at night.

I got the urticaria probably as an allergic reaction to the clothing they use in the isolation cell. You’re not allowed to wear your own clothes up there, so they give you some clothes, made of a very strong fabric. Also the blankets are made of this fabric.

Would you mind giving me a minute so I can fetch the menthol gel that helps to ease the itching?

Ah, that eases it a little bit, just for a couple of hours… Anyway, in fact it’s strange how this allergic reaction came upon me, because I’d been isolated in many previous occasions in the same way. Maybe it has to build itself up, I don’t know. In any case, it was an advantage for me last week, when I was back in the isolation cell, because when they saw that after day 1 the urticaria were all over my body again, I was allowed to wear my own pajamas and to sleep with normal sheets and blankets. However, that was the only advantage. I was isolated – again – and had to follow the schedule.

And now, I’m standing in front of this huge challenge: get out of this cursed place in 4 or 5 weeks or going to the CIB. That last one is no option at all. I’ll take precautions before that ever happens. Anyway, I had to make a plan, which I did. The only thing is that 4 weeks is very little time if you know how seriously ill I was. Thanks to the doubling of the meds, I’m practically without voices all day. Sometimes, one or the other wants to break through the metaphorical wall I’ve built around my mind, but in few occasions they get what they want. Only the images are still very vivid. They show me how to break out. However, I begin to understand that that’s not really possible, although I forced a breakout a couple of weeks ago – which I’m still quite proud of, although I know that’s in fact pretty wrong. Now, however, the nurses know my thoughts and plans, and they prevent it time and time again. There was one possibility last week, but I was so stricken that I didn’t make use of the opportunity.

Now I want to talk to the psychiatrist and ask for freedom. I want to be able to walk with a nurse outside. I’ll really try to stick to the arrangements made beforehand, and the fact that those voices are somewhere outside of the walls of my sane mind is only beneficial. I think I can handle it, although I want to be outside with people I trust, preferably male nurses so that I know I can’t run away that easily. Not that I want to run away, no, not at all. I want to give my plan a chance, and let’s be honest, I’ve been inside for almost 11 weeks now, it’s kind of logical that I get crazy on the balcony. So the itchy, scratchy thing is also metaphorical: it itches to go outside, to go home, to Timo. The only thing is that I get so little support. Only a few members of my family support me. And the friends that pass by for a visit are extremely limited.

You know, when you’re in here, it’s sometimes not even possible to know what day it is. For example, I was just thinking it’s Saturday today, but no, it’s already Sunday. I make a schedule every day, but it’s not easy. The schedule is quite stressful, and in the evenings I have to cry because I miss my family so much. Then I try to write my book. Did I tell you about the book before? I don’t think so. Should I tell you about the book? I don’t think so. Maybe in a next post… so keep following my blog, people. I’ll tell you all about the book in one of the upcoming posts. Promised.