The sword of Damocles

It’s hanging above my head, people, the one and only sword of Damocles. I don’t know whether that’s an honour or rather the opposite, but for me it’s a big threat, as is meant to be, right?

It’s been a while since I wrote my last post on this blog. That’s because I’ve been busy writing my first book. It’s in Dutch, so it won’t be available to all of you, but once it’s finished I hope to find a company willing to publish it. Anyway, I was in a good writing flow till I got isolated (yes, again) on Friday, which meant back to zero. My mood was below zero, as you can probably imagine. So I had to have patience and be glad for the fifteen minute breaks I got once every two or three hours. Tomorrow I get out of the programme, but then comes the most difficult thing. From tomorrow on, I have 4 weeks to prove that I can and will get better. The psychiatrist – yes, the same one who denied my each and every proposal – augmented the medication - F-I-N-A-L-L-Y. I even got him to double the amount of Cisordinol I’m taking right now. Today is the second day that I’m on a double dose and although there’s quite some unrest in my head, I don’t hear my voices (at the moment). And that’s been a while, you know. Normally, they were constantly there, and now…

There is another option, and that’s what the title is referring to. If I can’t prove myself in those 4 weeks time, I’m being sent to the CIB in The Hague (Centrum voor Intensieve Begeleiding, Centre for Intensive Treatment). The stories I’ve heard about the CIB are pure horror. They start with a lock-up of 24 hours. Then you have to deserve each and every freedom you can imagine. I’m asking myself if that includes food and clothes. Anyway, my point of view is clear: I’m not going! Still, I have the RM, and the judge has decided that I must be treated in a closed ward of a psychiatric hospital until the 6^th of June. However, the RM can be reversed into some RM in which you go home but will be treated by all kinds of people, but not in a clinical setting anymore. That’s what I’m trying to achieve right now. But four weeks… it’s a short time if you think that I’ve been here for nearly 10 weeks!

Of course, the pills alone won’t do it. I have to make a programme to go outside, to do some sports, to go home, to take care of myself, to rest enough but not too much and so on and so forth. The key words are: trust, make arrangements (and stick to them) and timely intervention. It won’t be easy, but I hope the Cisordinol will start doing its work so that I can prove that the psychiatrist was wrong all along. Of course, I’m having trouble with the side effects. I’m a little bit groggy, that’s true. I slept in the isolation cell for three hours this afternoon. Tonight is hopefully my last night in that fucking isolation cell. After that, I only want to use it when I see that things might go wrong, to avoid things going all wrong again and me ending up in the isolation cell again.

So, that’s the situation right now: the CIB or a major improvement in my mental health situation. Please people, keep your fingers crossed, I don’t want to go to the CIB. I have no intention whatsoever to be even longer and farther away from my little Timo than is necessary. I hope he’ll still recognise me after all those weeks. I love that little birdy so much, it’s my man. I will fight, and I will try to mentalise his picture each and every time when I get into trouble or when things go awry. He’s my final objective: going home, playing with him and taking up giving English and Spanish courses again. That’s what I want! Please people, pray for me, I can use each and every prayer, for things won’t go that easily. After a lock-up of nearly 10 weeks, your perception of things change. For example, when I’m on the balcony and hear the busses, hear the trains, I almost get sick. Too much noise, and also, too many people down there. Other example: how am I supposed to take the bus? I don’t dare to think about it. This has been a life-changing experience, but I know what I want and what my objective is: Timo, my budgy! I’m coming home, boy, I’m coming home! Mama will be home soon and she loves you very much!