Tuesday, 31th of December 2013. 12.53. Within 11 hours
and a few minutes we say goodbye to a year which has been most unfortunate for
me in some aspects, and fortunate in others. You’ll probably be up to date of
my current situation – which is not that great – but there have been better
times. I’ve made new friends. I finally graduated. I did some great extra-curricular
courses during my last year as a student. I met kind-hearted people, or
maintained the friendship with some other warm-hearted friends.
On the other hand, I lost my feathered friend, Chico,
may he rest in peace. That was difficult. We nearly lost our grandma, who
survived not one but three urgent and critical operations. The bond between me
and my sister and brother-in-law became even more frozen than before. And,
worst of all, I’m back in a psychiatric hospital for a longer period of time. I’m
far away from my family, and tomorrow is New Year’s Day. I’ll be here, probably
the day will pass by as any other day here at the ward, but it hurts, you know,
it hurts, being far away from family and friends.
I think my greatest achievement by far this year was
getting my Master’s degree Cum Laude. I was so proud, as were my parents. It’s
a pity that not everyone I’d hoped for joined in the celebrations, but nearly
all my best friends were at the drink, and that’s what counts. You know who you
are :)
I also got to know some new friends and I’m glad I met
them and that they support me, even in the difficult situation I’m in now. I appreciate
it, I truly appreciate it, because I can’t count on my family to visit me now. Also
during classes, I got to know new friends, which was awesome, especially those
people I met at the Portuguese classes – teachers included. Although I don’t maintain
contact with most of them anymore, there are still a few of them on my
Facebook, and of course there’s my Brazilian Bro ;) Some people always stay in
your heart, no matter how far or how close they are…
And then there was this difficult day: April 14th,
the day Chico died. He died on a Sunday morning, in my hands, in my bed, quite
peacefully. We’d been together for 7 and a half years. I miss him so very much.
I’m crying right now, because he was a truly loyal and fantastic friend. Miss you,
buddy… Hope everything’s okay there up in budgy-heaven…
10 days later, however, a new budgy came into my life.
That’s 8 months ago now, and although he’s still so young, he has to endure my
absence due to the fact that I’m admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Now I have
to cry even more… I wish we could be together tonight, then I had at least some
sort of family close by. But no, it will be just me, myself and I. My mom just
announced that she probably won’t be calling when the clock strikes 12. I don’t
even know if I could do that myself, but I miss my family so very much. It’s
been 11 weeks that I saw them for the last time. I hope Timo survives the firework, for there's always a lot of noise and animals get scared...
Furthermore, I’m grateful for all those years at
Leiden University. I’ve learnt a lot, I’ve met such thorough and sympathetic
professors and one of the best courses was definitely the Portuguese course I did
this year. I enjoyed it so much that, if I were able to study, to concentrate, I’d
be studying and improving my Portuguese right now. I definitely want to go to
Brazil, if not in 2014, then later, we’ll see, preferably with my Brazilian
Bro.
I’m feeling so sad right now, you can’t imagine. And there
are still (too) many hours to go. I’m so afraid I’ll lose control like last
week and end up in the isolation cell. Whenever these voices take over, they
are so strong… My psychiatrist won’t support me when it comes to meds, which
is, in my humble opinion, the reason why I’m still nowhere when it comes to
getting and feeling better.
This year has kind of exhausted me. First, there was
the MA thesis, which cost a lot of work, energy and perseverance. It hasn’t
always been easy. Then my grandma got very ill, and at the same time my mom had
to undergo a complicated back surgery. I tried to keep up with everything, I tried
to do the household, to go to the hospital to see my grandma every day, to
write my thesis and to concentrate on umpteen other things I had to do to
finish university. I also had a relatively short period in which I wasn’t
feeling too well when it comes to my mental health, and then Chico died… I
think 2013 was definitely a bad year, although I can’t ignore the beautiful
aspects named earlier. I do hope that 2014 will bring more peace, not only in
my head where the voices are still present, but also in my family, in my life
generally speaking and in the world.
Make the best of it, people, not only tonight when
practically everybody is celebrating, but also for the rest of the year. Do something
you’ve never done before. Finish that bloody thesis. Travel to someplace you’d
never expected to go. Just enjoy. And for all those who are ill – including you,
my blue friend – keep your heads up. Together we can do it. Together we can
make it. Love you all…
No comments:
Post a Comment