Take this example: last Saturday. I had taken the 9 PM meds at 9.15 PM, after a special service at the church in Delft. These meds are quite strong, you know. They contain among others the antipsychotic Seroquel, which affects my way of speaking. When I speak after taking it, it seems as if I'm slightly drunk sometimes, and when I want to say something, I somehow speed up way too much. I can't help it, it just happens. I usually speak quite rapidly already, it's in my nature, but when I've taken my meds, it's even worse. Sometimes it's so bad that I stumble over my own words and start stammering. So after the service, we went to McDonald's with a group. I was chatting with a few girls and I noticed that it was already happening. What's even worse was that I'd planned to go to the Leiden observatory after we got back to Leiden, because I'd arranged with a few guys to observe the spring sky. So I went there at about 10.30 PM, and the meds were already doing their abominable job. So that evening it happened more than once that people had to ask me once again what I'd said. I felt ashamed, but it just happened. I was stumbling and stammering almost the entire evening... I felt so stupid...
Take another example: yesterday evening. After karate training, someone announced that it was her birthday and she asked if we wanted to go for a drink with her in order to celebrate. Firstly I decided not to go, because - yes, you might have guessed it already - I didn't have my pills with me, and it was already 9.15 PM. However, I was in a good mood, and I thought that one drink wouldn't hurt. So I went with the ladies. I noticed that I could have a normal conversation, completely different from the conversations I had on Saturday with my buddies from the Leiden observatory. However, I got home at 11.20 PM and took my pills at about that time. I can still feel the side effects, and it's 6.20 PM THE NEXT DAY, for Christ's sake! So that was actually a pretty bad idea, because I've been tired all day. On the other hand, I was able to have normal conversations, without the feeling of dizziness in my head, without the feeling of drunkenness, without those freaking side effects. Was it worth the price? I'm not able to judge well, I'm sorry.
*SIGH* *another SIGH* Why? Well, my psychiatrist has issues with my pills. He is reluctant to prescribe one of the meds I'm taking. The biggest and most serious consequence is that I might lose him. He might send me away and assign me to another psychiatrist, one who is not so reluctant to prescribe the meds I'm taking. I have to admit that I'm taking a lot, but I was quite in peace with that... until now. I was in peace with that, because I thought it was keeping me stable. And that's all I need, right? I have to be stable, I can't afford another crisis. But hell, now my psychiatrist is having issues... and what can I do? I'm so afraid that, if I lose my psychiatrist, I'll also lose my psychiatric nurse. And she's so damned good, I don't want to risk that happening. I'd rather delete that pill from my list than lose her or even my psychiatrist!
It would be so nice to know that those pills were just a cure prescribed by my physician for a couple of days, a couple of weeks at the most. But this is never going to end, at least, that's how it feels and what I think. I have Borderline, I don't have the flu or a cold. You know, I'd like to quit with all the meds I'm taking at this moment. I'd like to throw them all away in the garbage. I don't know what the reaction of my psychiatrist would be if he knew this, but maybe this announcement would shake him awake. No, I don't want to threaten him, but I want to let him know what the consequences of his rebelliousness are. Because that's what it is: he's a rebel. Now that I'm back from the clinic, I have more meds, and he feels uncomfortable with the fact that he has to prescribe this amount of medication. Especially one of the meds makes him feel really uncomfortable. But hey, what's his problem? It works well, I feel better. So what's this fuss all about?!
I know I'm thinking in black and white again: quit with all the medication I have or continue with this huge amount of meds I'm taking. However, I have good reasons for this. Every single time that we have tried diminishing the medication, it went awfully wrong. And that wasn't funny, not a single bit.
I'm off to bed now. I feel loneley and desperate. My meds are destroying and suppressing the real Debz. My meds are spoiling my social life. And what am I doing against it? Nothing, right. Dot.
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