This post is all about how to cope with some kind of intimidation. You see, I'm a little bit afraid and intimidated by my Sensei. "What's a Sensei?" I hear you ask. As you probably know by now, I've taken up karate, and when you go to a training, you call your teacher "Sensei". Well, I'm pretty afraid and intimidated by one of our Senseis. However, I'm not too afraid in the sense that I'm so taken aback that I cease going to training. No, it's just that I don't feel comfortable when she is teaching or when she's giving a remark or even just when she's the only one around. She's a very severe and tough teacher, nevertheless she's very, very good and thorough. So it's all very complicated. Last week for example, she was teaching, and I got a positive remark - which was the first positive remark ever. Can you imagine I was completely bowled over and slightly confused? So I was doing something very well, and immediately after the remark, I made countless mistakes.
So I talked about our Sensei with my psychiatric nurse. I didn't know how to cope with this growing feeling of uneasiness. She asked me if and how I could describe her with a picture of an animal. I definitely could: a roaring dragon. That was step 1. The next step was a little bit more difficult: I had to think of a replacing image which could make it easier for me to approach her. You see, the story isn't complete yet. We - as in Sensei and I - have a history. When I appraoched the club, I was still admitted to the psychiatric clinic and I felt obliged to tell this to the Sensei. She immediately told me there was actually no place for psychiatric patients in the club. I asked why, because I thought that was quite harsh to say, and she said there had been some bad experiences with a borderliner, and she asked me right away if I was a borderliner. I endorsed. What else could I do? I always like to be straight, no matter what. So she sent me to another Sensei. I talked to the other Sensei, who accepted me after having talked with me and having experienced that Borderline and Borderline can be two completely different things. However, I think that the other Sensei still hasn't found peace. I'm not going into any detail here about what had happened with the borderliner earlier in the club, but I can tell you, it was a pretty ugly story, one that doesn't resemble my kind of behaviour in any way. However, we got off on the wrong foot, and I think that's what's going on here.
Anyway, I couldn't answer the question of my psychiatric nurse, I couldn't think of anything else. So she came up with a suggestion. She has a three-year-old daughter, who adores Dora, and in one of Dora's stories there appears a pink dragon. I had to laugh right away, because although I haven't seen the story with Dora and the pink dragon, I had an image of a pink dragon in my mind, this one in fact:
So we were talking about pink dragons, and if I could see my Sensei as a pink dragon instead of as a roaring dragon, spitting fire. I actually could, so it became even a little bit funny. Not that I don't have respect for my Sensei, to the contrary, I feel very respectful towards her, but it's just the way you look at somebody. If I keep on being afraid of her, it won't get any better. It's maybe kind of normal that I feel intimidated by her, because she has the black belt and I'm only a beginner, wearing the white belt and making many mistakes. However, I have to try to think that one day, she was also wearing the white belt. And I can feel this respect I feel, but why should I feel fear? She's also just a normal human being, and if I imagine her being this cute, pink dragon from above instead of the roaring dragon, maybe I can normalise the relationship. I feel the same kind of respect, but without the fear, towards the other Sensei. Maybe that's because we've met in an informal occasion, I don't know. In any case, I think this kind of image has helped me to see her more as a human being who can be soft and friendly and all that too. It's just up to me. If I keep up avoiding her, or being afraid of her, she will definitely notice this, and then it's over. Then she will never give me a chance. So, Debz, what's it gonna be??
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