Last week I was also allowed to make my first own picture of Saturn. That was really awesome! :D I'll share the result with you:
In any case, I think I've finally learnt to value life for what it really is, by doing the things I like and enjoy. Astronomy is but one of those things. However, it's a very important thing. Last Tuesday, one of my psychiatric nurses visited me at home. She asked me what I'd been doing during the weekend, so I told her, with some caution and some shame - I'd been in bed for two and a half hours that same afternoon after two long nights at the observatory - that I'd been observing the sky. She was quite interested, more than I could have hoped for, so I started telling her things, and showing her pictures. She told me I was so enthousiastic that she felt suddenly the same enthousiasm :) The conversation ended with me sending her the course in astronomy I'd written in the year 2000 for my Latin teacher at high school. It has undergone some improvements over the years, and now I think it might actually serve some greater purpose, who knows, maybe a course in astronomy for beginners at the observatory. There is certainly interest from the public.
A second thing that I really enjoy are my karate lessons. Although it's not always easy and I sometimes get criticised during the exercises by our Senseis, I know it's for the greater good. I have to learn, and I can only learn by trial and error. If they don't criticise me, I'll never know that I do something wrong and I'll never learn. And in the end, they want to turn me into a great karateka, right? I really enjoy the lessons, those four hours a week are really great exercising. Although tough, it's always good afterwards. It's rewarding and I know I've been exercising. It also helps to lose weight. I'm on a diet and running plus karate helps me to get that goal. Since I've been on this diet, I've lost more than 8 kilos. It's great to notice that I can actually lose weight again. It's been years that my weight stagnated around 80 kilos, but then suddenly, it went up to 83 kilos, and I knew something had to be done. I couldn't gain more weight, or I'd have to buy an entire new outfit, which I don't have the money for.
Some people say that my relapse in November had something to do with the lack of activities during the day. This could well have been the case. That's why I decided to start voluntary work when I was back home from the clinic. Firstly, I only had one student, but very soon I had two of them, and now I already have three students. Everything goes well, and I'm so very proud of my Angolese student. She's such a hard worker. Today was a tough lesson. She had to be able to write many complex consonants. In fact, now she has learnt the entire alphabet, while six weeks ago, she couldn't read nor write. Now she's able to read and write simple Dutch words. And we're going to extend her knowledge week by week. Slowly, yes, but she eventually will be able to read and write simple texts in Dutch. And if finances are available, I hope (and she told me she hopes so too) we can go on and continue with more difficult words and knowledge of more Dutch vocabulary.
You see, I've learnt to value life and to see it from a different angle. When I wrote those posts about the Snake Princess or about psychiatrists who had gone insane, I couldn't possibly have known that life could somehow be beautiful. I hope I can keep this pace, because this is what I want. Today I was outside with one of my best friends. She told me that somehow I was shining, and that she liked this side of me. And it's true, I feel I'm different. I know that I have this thing inside of me which makes that I can limit the moments of sadness. Mostly, I keep those moments for the times of the week when I'm together with my psychiatric nurse. However, if everything goes well, there is no need to be sad. As today was such a beautiful day, I don't feel the need to be sad. Okay, there are always some problems we can talk about. I mean, I was in Belgium last week, and that didn't go spotless, but somehow I can get over it easier. Still, I have to admit that it hurts sometimes when your own family, your own blood if you want, ignores you or doesn't value you as you value them... However, I know there's nothing that I can do to change this. The change will have to lie in the other persons. I can't change somebody else. I can only change myself, which I have done and am still doing... I love my own kin, and I really wish that they loved me as I love them, but the change will have to come from them. I won't tire myself anymore by trying to change them, for I know it's impossible to change somebody else. I'll just stay the person I am, and most of the days that person is a beautiful, radiating person. Some of those days, however, I can be a little bit sad. That's just who I am. There are still plenty of things I'd like to change, starting with the amount of meds I'm taking, but for the time being, I'll have to content myself with the person I am. It's not always easy, no, but it's not impossible. Shine, Debz, shine! Tomorrow can be as beautiful as today :)
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