You see, every week I've got an appointment with my psychiatric nurse, and during the past few weeks, it seems that that moment is my "weeping hour". She is even better than a best friend, because you can lose a best friend, but - if everything stays the way it is and if the budget cuts keep our relationship unharmed - she will never ever let me down like a friend can let you down. So I can tell her every single thing that bothers me, every single frustration, every single thing that makes me mad and/or sad. However, today I asked her if I've disappointed her recently, and she told me yes. She explained to me why. She told me that I can make things very difficult for myself, especially because I aim too high. Also, she told me that on the one hand, I'm somebody who wants to persevere and who succeeds in doing this, but on the other hand, I easily give up while at the same time aiming too high. She also wants me to make no excuses. When I have a problem, I easily point at others and the problems I have with those people to explain the problem. However, it is well-known that you can't change others. Do you want a change? Yes? Well, start with yourself. I should take that message for granted, I know, but it's not that easy.
I really have to make a change in my way of being. I have to quit making excuses. But where to start? It's easy to blame people in my family for the feelings of frustration and helplessness. It's easy to blame your Sensei when you are the one feeling clumsy and inferior while doing karate. Somehow, I have to find a way to start taking more responsibility. But where to start?
First of all, let me say this: I won't blame my family members anymore when it comes to my psychological problems. Those problems are my problems, and I'll have to learn how to deal with them. You see, it's also easy to emphasise what you don't have. It's a lot more difficult to see what you do have. I told my psychiatric nurse today that I don't have a boyfriend or a mom or dad who live closeby. Then she told me I should look at what I do have. Well, I have Timo, of course. And believe me, people, he's awesome. It's such a special bird. He's content with every little thing you give him. For example, the weather in Holland has been tropical lately, and as I live in a small student room on the fifth floor on the southside of the building, it's like a hot oven in here. That's why my windows are open almost 24/7. However, Timo is used to being out of his cage, and so was Chico. When Chico had to stay in his cage, he could be quite difficult, so to speak, but Timo isn't that difficult at all. Of course he's happy when I let him out for about an hour in the morning and in the evening, but really, he's even happy in his cage, he knows how to enjoy himself. I'm glad to have him, even though I still miss Chico every day.
I also want to thank God for the people that do care about me: my parents, several other family members, the people from the Leiden observatory, my students and the people from church. Did I miss anyone? I think I missed a whole lot of people actually, because I didn't even mention my friends ;) I remember what my mom said on my graduation day. She said that she didn't know that I was loved by so many people. That kind of shocked me, because that means that she thought that I wasn't loved at all, or at least, less. Anyway, I'm blessed with so many people who love me and care about me.
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| Mom and dad :) |
So I think it's time I told myself: no more excuses! Stop blaming others! Stop pointing fingers in the direction of others when it comes to your own problems! Keep it to yourself. You are the key to your problems ánd to your successes. These are some things I should keep in mind. And I will :)
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