Among your friends and family, there are always those people you never expect to drown in their feelings of loneliness, hopelessness or depression. Nevertheless, they do. So it happened in my family too. Today I found out that one of my favourite cousins has done a suicide attempt. The strangest thing is that I was surprised, yes, but I wasn't feeling anything else. No anger, no shame, no shock, no. It's just as if it was something normal, while she is one of our family's laughing beauties. Seems like it can really happen to anyone...
She wrote a blog post about what has really happened. I tried to reach her as fast as I could, just to chat. Luckily, there's such a thing as Facebook, because I'm far away in Holland, while she is in Belgium. Anyway, we talked, and we decided to meet when I'm back home in Belgium for the holidays, which is real soon. While reading her blog post, many feelings of recognition came to my mind. So I think that she's right. She's been lying for weeks now about her situation: "I'm looking for a job, but unfortunately I haven't been successful so far..." It's time I stopped lying too...
You know, I've been lying too, and it's time I cut the crap. Ever since I graduated last year in July, I've been wondering if I will ever find a suitable job. As you may know, I live from a social allowance because I can't work. My idea was that the social allowance was only necessary as long as I was studying, because I couldn't combine my studies with a job. I was 100% sure that after finishing my studies, I'd find a job and I'd no longer need the social allowance. However, now I'm doing some voluntary work, and it's kind of tough. Fortunately enough for me, every week, one or the other student cancels his or her lesson, so I never get the full load, but if I would, I would be teaching for about 8 hours a week. I never get that far, but it costs me a hell of an effort to be able to fulfill the few hours I do teach.
You see, many people think that teaching is just working for two to four hours a day, and finishing early after an easy day at work. Well, I can tell you, they're completely wrong. First of all, you need to prepare your lessons very carefully. You need to calculate what you're going to do in those hours and what kind of matter you are going to deal with. Don't forget that, if you give private lessons - as I do - every single student has his or her own needs. Secondly, you have to know all the answers and you have to be able to explain everything properly, in plain English (or Dutch, or Portuguese, or...). And thirdly, you have to turn a dull piece of grammar into something diverted, to present a dull list of vocabulary into a nice exercise. Believe me, that's not easy, and that's why I always use a hand-out with nice colours, sometimes with drawings, in any case, a hand-out which has to be carefully composed.
I think people overestimate and undervalue the job and the art of teaching, and so did I, until I came into the circuit. And yes, it got to me. So now I know that it's not easy. Now I know it requires a lot of preparation. And it still gets at me. I'm dead-tired after two or three hours of private lessons, even though it's all voluntary work. And now I will have to face it: I'll probably never ever be able to get a normal job as a teacher. Then you have to work at least 24 hours a week. I barely get half of them. I'll probably never be able to work more hours than I do now, and the advantage of the work I'm doing now is that it is all voluntary. Okay, the disadvantage is that I don't get paid, but the advantage is that if I'm feeling too tired or if I have a relapse, I can always step back, which is not quite possible if you have a stable job.
However, all this is bothering me. My family expects great things from me. I graduated Cum Laude twice: Bachelor and Master, so the expectations are high. I should have found a job by now, because it's almost been a year since I graduated. In the beginning, I was fierce in my attempts at finding a job: I sent my CV to various employers. However, after not receiving any reactions, I quit and I subscribed to newsletters, hoping that one day, I would find my dream job. No, I'm not looking very intensively anymore, and I know why: because I'm not able to take on a full-time job, maybe even not a part-time job. It's disappointing, and it hurts. It frustrates me and it wears on me. I've been talking about it with my psychiatrist and my psychiatric nurse. They understand me, but I know for sure that my family will never, ever understand this without feeling resentment. Just because they haven't been there, just because for them it was easy, just because they don't have to rely on those awful pills.
There is still hope, however. I've applied as a volunteer, that is to say, as a hands-on expert. Tomorrow I have my first reunion in a group in which people are working around the theme of recovery. It's good to do this, because at the moment I'm all but feeling well. I'm having small psychotic episodes and large depressive episodes. I'm in a crisis and my psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse decided to give me more tranquillizers. So now I'm back on the so-feared but at the same time so-loved Tranxene. I'm practically dependent on it, because I feel the moment coming when it's time for the next dose. I despise myself for it, but unfortunately I don't have any other options left at the moment...
So let's cut the crap: Debz is not feeling well at all at the moment. She tends to isolate herself from her friends, because that way, they won't be able to notice something's terribly wrong. She's not going to karate, nor to the Leiden observatory. She's afraid of some people in her life, people who have humiliated her, people who have the power to make her feel like a piece of sh*t. When she's among friends, she tries to put on a brave face. She's terribly afraid she'll end up on the closed ward again, because she's not feeling well. She's depressed, she's tense, she's nervous, she's agitated, she's frustrated... everything but fine. She'd like to take a nap that would last a week, at least. Unfortunately, she has responsibilities, called "students". She's looking forward to going home, to Belgium, in the weekend, but she's extremely afraid things will run out of hand over there and that she'll be admitted to a psychiatric clinic over there, with well-known consequences.
It is said that I often aim too high. It is said that I look at other people when I'm frustrated or angry. It is also said that I try to find excuses to justify my behaviour. And what can I say? I have to admit that those who say those things are right. I have to admit that my frustrations can make me try to justify my behaviour by pointing my finger in the direction of others. So it's time that I set things straight: No more excuses!
You see, every week I've got an appointment with my psychiatric nurse, and during the past few weeks, it seems that that moment is my "weeping hour". She is even better than a best friend, because you can lose a best friend, but - if everything stays the way it is and if the budget cuts keep our relationship unharmed - she will never ever let me down like a friend can let you down. So I can tell her every single thing that bothers me, every single frustration, every single thing that makes me mad and/or sad. However, today I asked her if I've disappointed her recently, and she told me yes. She explained to me why. She told me that I can make things very difficult for myself, especially because I aim too high. Also, she told me that on the one hand, I'm somebody who wants to persevere and who succeeds in doing this, but on the other hand, I easily give up while at the same time aiming too high. She also wants me to make no excuses. When I have a problem, I easily point at others and the problems I have with those people to explain the problem. However, it is well-known that you can't change others. Do you want a change? Yes? Well, start with yourself. I should take that message for granted, I know, but it's not that easy.
I really have to make a change in my way of being. I have to quit making excuses. But where to start? It's easy to blame people in my family for the feelings of frustration and helplessness. It's easy to blame your Sensei when you are the one feeling clumsy and inferior while doing karate. Somehow, I have to find a way to start taking more responsibility. But where to start?
First of all, let me say this: I won't blame my family members anymore when it comes to my psychological problems. Those problems are my problems, and I'll have to learn how to deal with them. You see, it's also easy to emphasise what you don't have. It's a lot more difficult to see what you do have. I told my psychiatric nurse today that I don't have a boyfriend or a mom or dad who live closeby. Then she told me I should look at what I do have. Well, I have Timo, of course. And believe me, people, he's awesome. It's such a special bird. He's content with every little thing you give him. For example, the weather in Holland has been tropical lately, and as I live in a small student room on the fifth floor on the southside of the building, it's like a hot oven in here. That's why my windows are open almost 24/7. However, Timo is used to being out of his cage, and so was Chico. When Chico had to stay in his cage, he could be quite difficult, so to speak, but Timo isn't that difficult at all. Of course he's happy when I let him out for about an hour in the morning and in the evening, but really, he's even happy in his cage, he knows how to enjoy himself. I'm glad to have him, even though I still miss Chico every day.
I also want to thank God for the people that do care about me: my parents, several other family members, the people from the Leiden observatory, my students and the people from church. Did I miss anyone? I think I missed a whole lot of people actually, because I didn't even mention my friends ;) I remember what my mom said on my graduation day. She said that she didn't know that I was loved by so many people. That kind of shocked me, because that means that she thought that I wasn't loved at all, or at least, less. Anyway, I'm blessed with so many people who love me and care about me.
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| Mom and dad :) |
So I think it's time I told myself: no more excuses! Stop blaming others! Stop pointing fingers in the direction of others when it comes to your own problems! Keep it to yourself. You are the key to your problems ánd to your successes. These are some things I should keep in mind. And I will :)
... or so it seems. Since I'm back home after my last admission to the psychiatric clinic, I've changed a lot. I finally started to do things that I really like: karate, astronomy, running, voluntary work ... you name it. It's been a huge change in my life, and I've started to value life and to see it from a completely different perspective. I especially enjoy karate and my activities at the Leiden observatory. Last Sunday, I went there and I was introduced to a whole new way of observing the sky, by means of astrophotography that is. It's amazing to see how an exposure time of only one minute reveals a comet, for example, or stars that you wouldn't be able to see otherwise. Take for example this globular cluster. Seen with the same telescope, this globular cluster would be nothing more than a cloudy spot, with maybe a few visible stars at the borders. However, with an exposure time of about a minute, we are able to see the entire cluster:
Last week I was also allowed to make my first own picture of Saturn. That was really awesome! :D I'll share the result with you:
In any case, I think I've finally learnt to value life for what it really is, by doing the things I like and enjoy. Astronomy is but one of those things. However, it's a very important thing. Last Tuesday, one of my psychiatric nurses visited me at home. She asked me what I'd been doing during the weekend, so I told her, with some caution and some shame - I'd been in bed for two and a half hours that same afternoon after two long nights at the observatory - that I'd been observing the sky. She was quite interested, more than I could have hoped for, so I started telling her things, and showing her pictures. She told me I was so enthousiastic that she felt suddenly the same enthousiasm :) The conversation ended with me sending her the course in astronomy I'd written in the year 2000 for my Latin teacher at high school. It has undergone some improvements over the years, and now I think it might actually serve some greater purpose, who knows, maybe a course in astronomy for beginners at the observatory. There is certainly interest from the public.
A second thing that I really enjoy are my karate lessons. Although it's not always easy and I sometimes get criticised during the exercises by our Senseis, I know it's for the greater good. I have to learn, and I can only learn by trial and error. If they don't criticise me, I'll never know that I do something wrong and I'll never learn. And in the end, they want to turn me into a great karateka, right? I really enjoy the lessons, those four hours a week are really great exercising. Although tough, it's always good afterwards. It's rewarding and I know I've been exercising. It also helps to lose weight. I'm on a diet and running plus karate helps me to get that goal. Since I've been on this diet, I've lost more than 8 kilos. It's great to notice that I can actually lose weight again. It's been years that my weight stagnated around 80 kilos, but then suddenly, it went up to 83 kilos, and I knew something had to be done. I couldn't gain more weight, or I'd have to buy an entire new outfit, which I don't have the money for.
Some people say that my relapse in November had something to do with the lack of activities during the day. This could well have been the case. That's why I decided to start voluntary work when I was back home from the clinic. Firstly, I only had one student, but very soon I had two of them, and now I already have three students. Everything goes well, and I'm so very proud of my Angolese student. She's such a hard worker. Today was a tough lesson. She had to be able to write many complex consonants. In fact, now she has learnt the entire alphabet, while six weeks ago, she couldn't read nor write. Now she's able to read and write simple Dutch words. And we're going to extend her knowledge week by week. Slowly, yes, but she eventually will be able to read and write simple texts in Dutch. And if finances are available, I hope (and she told me she hopes so too) we can go on and continue with more difficult words and knowledge of more Dutch vocabulary.
You see, I've learnt to value life and to see it from a different angle. When I wrote those posts about the Snake Princess or about psychiatrists who had gone insane, I couldn't possibly have known that life could somehow be beautiful. I hope I can keep this pace, because this is what I want. Today I was outside with one of my best friends. She told me that somehow I was shining, and that she liked this side of me. And it's true, I feel I'm different. I know that I have this thing inside of me which makes that I can limit the moments of sadness. Mostly, I keep those moments for the times of the week when I'm together with my psychiatric nurse. However, if everything goes well, there is no need to be sad. As today was such a beautiful day, I don't feel the need to be sad. Okay, there are always some problems we can talk about. I mean, I was in Belgium last week, and that didn't go spotless, but somehow I can get over it easier. Still, I have to admit that it hurts sometimes when your own family, your own blood if you want, ignores you or doesn't value you as you value them... However, I know there's nothing that I can do to change this. The change will have to lie in the other persons. I can't change somebody else. I can only change myself, which I have done and am still doing... I love my own kin, and I really wish that they loved me as I love them, but the change will have to come from them. I won't tire myself anymore by trying to change them, for I know it's impossible to change somebody else. I'll just stay the person I am, and most of the days that person is a beautiful, radiating person. Some of those days, however, I can be a little bit sad. That's just who I am. There are still plenty of things I'd like to change, starting with the amount of meds I'm taking, but for the time being, I'll have to content myself with the person I am. It's not always easy, no, but it's not impossible. Shine, Debz, shine! Tomorrow can be as beautiful as today :)
