Sometimes, life is hard and you just have to deal with whatever gets in your way. I've been in a closed ward of a psychiatric hospital for 5 weeks now, and I can tell you, it drives me crazy. Last Wednesday was the first day I could legally go outside, but we just went to the building next to the clinic, so for me it wasn't really "outside", if you know what I mean. So I wanted more, but Thursday was a nasty day and as I had to have someone who accompanies me, I had to stay inside. But then finally came yesterday, and me and my friend Luiza - such a precious young lady! Love you, girl! - really went outside to get some fresh air and some Guaraná.
You can't imagine how frustrating it is to be locked up and to be denied to go outside for such a large amount of time. Also, they checked my blood and figured out that my vitamine D level was too low. The doctor added somewhat guiltily: "This often happens with people who spend a long time on the inside". And on the inside I have been! Last night was the sixth night in 5 weeks I could spend in a normal bed. All the other nights of those 5 weeks I had to spend in the isolation cell, can you imagine? I blame them, the doctors and the nurses, for my weak health condition right now. Because that's what it is, I'm weak. I can't walk a mile, let alone run a mile.
I'm happy they let me out of the isolation cell, now almost a week ago, but the struggle against the demons continues and is tough, very tough. Every now and then they get their grip on me, and I can't withstand their power. Also, I get little to no support from my family. That is tough, I can guarantee you that. I won't go into details, it would be one whole list of accusations and I don't want to do that, but if they could only support me, ask me how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, what they can do to help. But no, nothing of that, only threats, accusations from their side and worries from my part.
Anyway, let's not go there. Let's go back to yesterday. We went - how cliché - to McDonald's. A McFlurry. Tasty if you haven't eaten one for such a long time, I can tell you that! I was completely flabbergasted by the McFlurry Stracciatella (or how do you write that? I speak five languages, but no Italian), but they didn't have it anymore. So I chose the McFlurry M&M's. Always good and tasty, even though a little bit predictable for Debz. Never mind, I liked it. And Luiza had another one, but I can't remember which one. So far my short term memory.
After that, we went to a shopping centre, but first, what I liked most of the entire trip we did: just sitting in the car and have a ride. Seeing things. Sitting in a comfortable position. Just sitting there while someone drives you through Leiden and its environment. Awesome, that's the word! I'd been locked up and had seen nothing but the ward's corridors for the past five weeks, remember??
In the shopping centre there were quite a few people, so it wasn't easy to not get distressed. But I think I did quite a good job. We went to Albert Heijn to buy some Guaraná. Don't know what Guaraná is? Oh, you are such an unlucky person, I must say! It's a Brazilian soda and it tastes really good. Luiza is half-Brazilian - if not more ;) - and she bought almost the entire shelf. I was lucky to get some of hers :D
Then came the most difficult moment: getting back to the clinic, which went extremely well. It was only when Luiza and her boyfriend went away that it went wrong. I started dissociating. Seems it always happens when the emotions get too high... *sigh*
But that still leaves us with the fresh air and the Guaraná. I've just had one - a Guaraná - and I'm doubting if I should or shouldn't take a second one. They're just delicious, just try it once and you'll have to agree with me!
I'm locked up inside myself. These demons are fighting an unequal battle, and they're winning the fight. Every day, I feel worse because of them. Every day they conquer a new part of my brain. It's a struggle, yes, a struggle on life and death.
A lot has happened this week, so much that it could have been the case that I wouldn't have been able to write these words. I ran away from the closed ward - I got an open chance - and the demons gave me the boost I needed to run away so that they (the nurses) couldn't stop me this time. I succeeded, but once I was downstairs, in the parking garage, every tinge of boost was gone. So I got these images: me going to the parking garage of the academic hospital, me going to the elevators, me pushing the button of the 13th floor, me climbing over the barrier and me jumping. Dot. So, I was completely overtaken by the demons, because I felt so weak, I could barely walk, I crossed the streets without watching if any car passed by... and I went to the parking garage, to the elevators, pushed that infamous button, and there I stood. Nobody had followed me, which was good. I could think things over clearly. Or so I thougth, because my mind was troubled by the demons. So I saw that there were two barriers. I climbed over the first one, which was quite an easy task, but the second one was higher, too high, so it seemed. I could hardly lift one leg over the glass, and I saw people downstairs, staring, pointing, yelling "hey", but I was in a dissociative mood. I could hear and see everything, but it didn't really get to me, and I obviously couldn't respond. So I tried hard to put my leg over the barrier. Only thing is, I'm short, and this barrier isn't made for short people.
Then the most horrible things happened: three men came and they pulled me back, pinned me down on the floor, asked me lots of questions I couldn't answer because I was still dissociating and said I should keep calm, that help was on the way. Help? Yeah right, police officers. They cuffed me, hands behind my back, I was lying on my belly on the ground. One sympathetic police officer introduced himself as being Nico and told me to keep calm, so that he shouldn't have to hurt me. I was frustrated, angry and especially, very scared. All those police officers... Then there came a car, and I had to get in. They would bring me back to the clinic. I struggled with the police officer in the car, without any result. We got there - at the clinic - and immediately I was stripped of my clothes and put in the isolation cell. For the fifth time in four weeks. I still feel the cuffs on my wrists, it still hurts. Bastards!
So, that was... when again? Oh, my short time memory is fading away so fast. Must be the pills. Anyway, today the demons did their job again. They led me to the door, I was completely numb. One of the nurses led me back to my room. And then trouble began. I was far, far away. I could hear what the nurses - and later on the doctors - said, but I couldn't react. All because of - indeed - the demons. I couldn't say anything, nor amost move a muscle. I couldn't open my mouth to take pills. I couldn't communicate while there were so many things I needed to say. I could only squeeze the nurses's hand: once for yes, twice for no. But that didn't always work out, because sometimes I didn't know, so I didn't squeeze, but he didn't get the message.
As I'm writing this, I'm still fighting to stay into reality, the here and now. It's so difficult. The demons are trying to take over all the time, and I'm fighting, but I think the nurses think I don't fight hard enough. Still, I try to do what I can, although it's only writing. The fact that they don't want to read this, is their f*cking problem.
September, 11th, 2001. Many of you will remember that day as one of the most horrific days in American history, or rather, in worldwide history. If you don't remember that day, then you must have spent that day and the following days on another planet. The United Stateds were attacked that day by a terrorist organisation, named Al Qaeda, led by Osama Bin Laden. So, where were you that day? I was in pretty much the same situation as I am in right now, although not in the exact same spot. Still, I was also in the isolation cell and heard the news after the airplanes had hit the Twin Towers.
I think many people think back to this day with horror and anger, maybe also with sadness. A lot of people have lost friends or acquaintances in the attack, and it's still so incomprehensible. Why did Al Quaeda do this terrific deads? Why kill so many innocent people? I just don't get it...
Terrorism is an act of unacceptable violence. That's maybe why I'm so against radical Muslisms, Muslims who don't adapt to the circumstances they live in. I grew up in a rather xenophobic, conservative family, so there's always been that hatred and fear against foreigners. No, I'm not talking about white people, but about black people, and especially Muslims. My father really loathes them, exactly because they come in the news so often, in a bad way that is. It's just that these extremists are the blame for the rest of the Muslim people. However, when I'm walking here in the city of Leiden and I see a group of Muslim women, lots of children, not speaking the language nor adapting to the clothing style of the country, I also feel some kind of loathing. Sometimes even I think a headscarf isn't acceptable in some jobs. In others, it is. It's a religious symbol, they say. I rather think it's a symbol of humiliation, but who I am to judge about the headscarf, right?
Anyway, I am a christian, and I'd like to defend my religious beliefs. Of course there are also radical christians, but they don't do - or in any case much less - war. And that what it's all about in Islam: Jihad! "Spread the word and kill anyone who doesn't want to accept the word of Mohammed!" Because we, the non-believers, are the enemies of the radical Muslims. We should be eradicated.
When I think again of the images of people jumping of the buildings of the Twin Towers that day, I get goose bumps, just like any other time when I think back about it. It was horrible, it wasn't human, it was a disaster! So many innocent lives because Mister Osama Bin Laden wanted war with America. Well, he got what he wanted, and now the miserable bastard is dead. That's one. Now we have to end with any kind of radicalism, be it christian or islamic. There's nothing good about radicalism. So eradicate that!
So, where were you? Were you at work? Maybe at the bus stop, reading a newspaper? Were any of you in New York that day? I was in the isolation cell, as I am today, with every now and then a short break to write this blog post for example. I'll never ever forget that day, especially the images. It still tears my heart apart. RIP to all those who died that day and to all those firefighters, policemen and other people who helped to save other people, but who died in the attempt. You are true heroes!
